Okay Happy New Year's Eve.

But what's so happy about it??? All my plans of... *ahem*... 'partying' have been practically ruined by my dad. I have exams starting on the 9Th and I kind of don't know anything!! The beginning of this year is almost practically sucky.

But on the bright side, I don't feel that bad right now. Big plans for my birthday, actually one of the big plan for my birthday sounds nice. But I am not expecting too much because people who are making these plans are well... different! And off course there will be a sleepover with three best people on my birthday eve which is OBVIOUS!! And guess what, unlike last year I am very very excited. In fact so excited that I don't regret foiled New Year Plans anymore. My birthday is like at the perfect time. Exams will be over and Enigma practices will most probably be off. So I will be free the whole day... and that leaves me with a WHOLE DAY to do what I want. And what makes it even better is the weather. Its Winters...and I love Winters. My campus will be full of seasonal flowers which are planted every year for the IGNOU Convocation in the first week of February. And Delhi will be absolutely pretty too...And i know because it always is in January.

I am sure I want one long drive, one chocolate cake, some balloons, a visit to one huge mall, a not so non-fattening lunch, warm coffee, chicken tikka, lots and lots of warm hugs and lots and lots of birthday wishes. And I am going to make sure I get all of this... because hello its like the most beautiful day of the year.

Can't wait for these exams to get over and all the fun that will follow. I am just plain excited. I know its too early to start thinking but i don't care. I am sure i will feel much better about studying if I have something this nice to look forward to...

So HAPPY NEW YEAR. And here is hoping a very very happy 2009.

Love.

PS- Best Fraand, Pugsie and Froggy. Just wanted to mention you three as you guys have made my last two birthdays the best ones ever. Love you so much. Mwah!!

SNAP!!! and its done...

When you are sitting in an examination hall waiting for the invigilator to sign your booklet and the bell to ring so that you can un-seal your question paper, you generally start thinking...

Now those who have studied day in and day out for the entrance, they want to clear their minds a little. Generally the de-tangling of facts takes place when you turn around to ask a total stranger (or wait did we take the same coaching classes??) about the various variables and the ugly trigonometric formulae.

Then there are those who are cent percent sure of themselves (do they really exist?) and who have been constantly assured by their teachers that they will top this entrance and various institutions will beg them to take admission.

But there are people like me as well who a day before the entrance decide that they will take the exam, and that they will actually sit in one place for two hours and randomly answer some questions which they are not even sure of. We (referring to the whole community of entrance exam haters and people not even remotely prepared for them), take a look around the room. We find our place and sit down only to analyse what is happening around. Thoughts revolve around why is that girl trying to study at the last moment to why those two boys are talking to each other so animatedly(the cheating pair of the class??) to why these seats are so small and how is that huge guy even managing to sit (or fit?) into these??

The bell finally rings and the paper commences. Two hours of testing my intelligence and my memory (considering I am not prepared otherwise and I have to depend only on my memory!). And 'SNAP' (or ZAP!) two hours are gone... I am out of the hall, smiling brightly as I think- 'It wasn't as disastrous as i thought it would be...'

Have you ever....??

Have you ever come across a situation when the only little ray of hope which might just change your whole life is snatched away from you mercilessly?

Have your parents ever pretended to be all nice and cool about what you want to do with your life and have suddenly said 'no' to taking the potential first step towards it?

Have you ever filled up an entrance exam form only to realise that you don't really want to sit in that exam?

Has your younger sibling ever told you that you need to do what you want and you have only refused to listen because your choices in the near future are going to be based on what is apparently 'right' or 'wrong' rather than what you really want??

Have you believed in destiny for a very long time and then suddenly have started hating the fact that you do actually really believe in the whole idea of whatever happens is for good?

Have you ever finally realised that Sour Punk is a just a CANDY and not a string with which you can pull yourself out of depression??

Have you ever been depressed and have tried to tell yourself (and the world) that you aren't??

Have you ever wanted to just give up everything and run away but you really don't know if that will help at all??

I dont know what to call this one!!! Good ideas for a heading are welcome!

Its like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean and I have no clue where i want to go. Its not that I can't see land, its just that I don't know which landmass i want to go to. What if i reach Land A and realise that Land B was what I actually wanted? I really don't know where this life is going, or where this blog post is going!!!

The costume crisis is just not getting over. Tailor auntie refuses to meet deadlines. We have to perform in the same old shit in IP. And there goes the dream of oh-new-songs-and-new-costume and the 'grand comeback'. Technically I shouldn't care because well I am going to pass out of college in some time. But seriously I prefer thinking of these problems than those which I'll be facing when I am out of college.

Its my sister's birthday today and she is in that stupid hostel of her boarding school. She is coming back on the 13Th. We have stuff planned out for her but its execution is a little... well... I guess more work. Mom Dad are going to pick her up. They leave tomorrow for grandad's place and return on the 13Th with her. Now that means I live alone for two whole days. And I am not even excited. I planned the daru party with Enigma people but now I think I will just cancel it. I haven't called anyone to stay over. I am just too...bleh!

My room is a mess. My mom doesn't enter it anymore because she is scared something unwanted will bite her. I want to clean it and I want to organize my cupboard, but i can't find the time to do it. And i really NEED to clean my desk. But well I guess that's not really happening anytime soon.

I cannot find my pink shades. Just like I can't find where my life is going.

Ajeeb Insaan called to tell me how hot the sound system of his stupid fest is. As if that's all I needed to know in my life. When will he realise that I visit bigger and better fests like practically every alternate day?? I guess it was the feeling of accomplishment for him which he wanted to share or maybe it was a way of showing off. Actually I don't want to really bother myself with his thoughts right now.

Dude Who the fuck is going to replace me as the head of Enigma?? Kaun hoga wo?? Well I guess not the right time to think about that either. I love being the president and I don't really want to give that to someone else. Yeah yeah I need to move on and all that crap but hello... I don't want to means I don't want to, irrespective of what I HAVE to!!

My Things to Do list keeps increasing in size. I delegated the first one to juniors and now I have a newer and a longer list ready.

I think I need a vacation. To some place like Hawaii or something. But guess what?? I don't have the time to get that stupid passport form. I think I can do with Goa. Beaches, Hot guys, sunshine, shorts, swimsuits, Hot guys, water sports, luxurious resorts, Hot guys, HOT GUYS, good food, a lot of free time, books that i want to read and not the ones that I have to read, Hot guys.... Oh and yeah Hot guys!!!

But all I get is Delhi and so much work and the memories of an ex boyfriend to bother me and a lot of books to study and a messy room and an even messier life.

Miss you my dear brat...my dear little sister!!!

Okay here is something my sister wrote for me in her letter (her boarding school is like jail and we communicate through snail mail!!)...

"I'll never know of all the things she's done for me

Just the little things

saving me a seat in the bus,

tying my shoelaces, taking the blame.

Now the years have passed. But when she's around I am still the girl without a care in the world.

She is my alibi. My punching bag. My DIDI."

And i had tears in my eyes. Although its an advertisement she copied from the newspaper, I know she means each and every word of it. Oho I miss her so much. At least when she was around I never had to sleep alone at night. We would laugh and cry together. She was always there to hug me, to scream at me, to fight with me. We watched TV together, went mad over Harry Potter books, went shopping to Sarojini market. She always took me to a movie whenever she would succeed in saving some cash. I always bought her trashy novels from whatever I saved.

She can go on talking about nonsensical stuff and she doesn't stop even if you ask her to. And she is the only person who can throw a tantrum when she thinks I am looking prettier than her. She can be very mean when she wants to be but she is SUPER intelligent. I think she is the smartest kid (or adolescent) i know.

I miss her so much. I remember once when we were younger and I had gone off for a school trip, she was watching Tom and Jerry and something funny happened so she turned around thinking I was sitting there and then she remembered I had gone. Poor baby cried for two hours straight. That's how inseparable we were. We spent our summer breaks taking turns on the bicycle, eating Maggi, reading books, going for swimming, watching movies... Or at our grandparent's place (which by the way is almost intolerable without her). I still remember our first big fight when we abused each other and I was surprised to know that she knew the 'F' word.

Our parents are really against physical violence so generally our fights used to be verbal. But whenever I would lose control and slap her, she always hid it from mom because she did not want me to get punished. I always kept her boyfriend secrets and the fact that she has had many more of them compared to mine.

She is coming back on the 13Th and I cant wait see her. I miss her SO much. I wish she'd never gone to that stupid boarding school. I know I don't say it to her but she IS the most precious part of my life. I love her more than anybody in this world and I always will. She is the best-est sister in the entire universe and I am so glad she is mine:)

Goodbye....I am through with you!!

Okay so this is the final decision. I want to be happy. And he is not making me happy. Not even close. So I am through with him. Like the final time now. Irrespective of what happens. Even if he is the last man on the planet!! To all of you who care for me....DON'T LET ME CHANGE MY MIND EVER.... and for those who are near me, stop me the moment I show even a little inclination towards him again. Even if that requires keeping me locked up or taking my phone away from me. I am not going back to him or accepting him again.

This feels like the moment of Revelation. Last night I told him that I don't think he is putting any efforts to make this work, basically not wooing me enough, and that my patience is getting over. I told him that I need to see some amount of effort from his side to bring back the so called 'romance'. I didn't think he understood but at the back of my head I still hoped that he will make some effort. But guess what he did...I just saw that he uploaded his pictures with this girl who I think is his ex girlfriend (the horrible bitch) and he knows that I hate those pictures. So instead of showing me that he actually 'loves' me and all that crap, he did something to repel me. And my god that has worked. I don't understand why he keeps coming back?? But now, I am not going to let him charm me again. Ever. People stop me for my own good if you see me doing that ever again...
God I so not deserve shit like him.

To Ajeeb Insaan- You can go ahead and keep trying to become something that you are not. Go ahead and lose all your small town boy innocence and become a complete laughing stock of everyone around you. From now on, you won't have me backing you either dude. And if you ever really ever happen to read this, take it from me as a warning, don't try to come back...You will fall flat on your face. Trust me you don't want me to humiliate you...

Goodbye.

Whatever!

Okay really lagging behind on assignments. Its driving me mad, this pressure. I don't know what I need to do to get myself to work. And its not only studies. I cannot seem to be able to concentrate in dance either. All I want to do is day-dream, watch TV and sleep. I didn't feel like driving to college in the morning, and that's something to worry about because i love to drive. I don't know where life is taking me. I have these phases when I am happy and ones when I am extremely frustrated. Its irritating because... well I don't really know why.
I feel this hollow inside me these days. Best Fraand says that she doesn't want college to get over because according to her she has not made the most of it yet. I feel it too but I don't know if that is the reason for me being so spaced out these days. It could be the pressure to perform well this year (academically!) but I can't get myself to start studying. I know its also about Ajeeb Insaan somewhere but I don't want to complicate my thoughts right now.

So what is it?
I have stopped working out. I don't enjoy food these days. I got bored during the choreography session yesterday. I slept when I should have been studying. This is not done yaar! I feel that the colours of life are fading away. Nothing is serious enough for me anymore. I am so chilled out about everything. And I know that is because I am scared. I want to believe that I dont care because I am unaware of the future and I am scared of defeat. I cannot imagine where life is taking me. Be it the career or my so called love life. I want to do well in both but I am just not interested enough. Or rather I am just very scared!

I want this phase to get over RIGHT NOW!! I want to be happy again. This could be PMS (post) and I so hope it is... Bleh!!

To you, Ajeeb Insaan. You the weirdest part of my life!!

Okay so what the eff do you want from me?

Why do you keep coming back? And if you cannot live without me and if you love me all that much then why do you go away in the first place?

Let me tell you thing straight. I know I deserve someone better. I know I do. All my friends think so too. You really want to hear their responses? Well you won't be able to take that because it will burst that little bubble around your head.

So here you are again asking me to take you back? And don't we all know I will? But you know what...One day this patience will get over, this 'connection' that overpowers everything right now will fade away, and my so called 'love' for you will dissolve.

Its hard. Trusting you now. But I still cannot say no to you. You know why? Because I really care for you. Oh or is it because you are a ready-made, doggy-trained boyfriend till I find another one (I don't really mean it but yes this thought has crossed my mind)? You said you want to marry me right? Well Best friend will kill you even if you try...Ha! But before that I don't even know if you would want it tomorrow as well...and the day after that. Are my friends correct when they say that you boys can go to any extent to woo a girl? Are you one of those?

Is it true that all that I know of you from the past five years is decieving me? Am I that blind that I still think that you are a nice person at heart? Are all my perceptions about you wrong? Do I suck that bad at judging people?

Or am I right?

You know what? Your indecisiveness now shows on your face. Dance People think that you don't even have a personality compared to mine. And that's only because you don't know anything about yourself yet. You are ignorant and immature. You are still living in those false assumptions of life and depending way too much on others.

I thought I will enjoy this superiority but guess what....all the negatives that I have heard about you since yesterday, have made me very upset. It doesn't make me want to reject you, but it just hurts me because well, I guess I still care for you. I am so used to everyone telling me that we look great together that this time these opinions are killing me.

Will you just make it clear for me. Either make me absolutely fall in love with you again so that these things stop bothering me. Or simply just go. I was happy without you. Yes i have missed you like mad but at least I wasn't confused in my mind. I cannot give you up. but I cannot listen to all these people 'tch'-ing at me either. I don't know what I want, but I definitely need some clarity.

You will have to wait till I make up my mind. You will have to wait...

Disclaimer- Result of an emotional upheaval. I might not mean some of the things that i said. After effect of a rough feedback!

YAY!

Okaay so i realise i cant sit and cry over trivial things !!!

After winning the competition in IIPM last night and hearing all that great stuff (about me) has made it clear to me that NOBODY can take away from me what i have...

I have two years of perspiration and hard work. I have the right to perform on stage and make others dance on my tunes. I have the high of being on stage. I have all those awestruck glances of people in the audience. I have people close to me (and who matter) acknowledging me and my achievements.

I dont care about others anymore because I already have those great friends, who came to rescue the moment they heard what had happened. And after a very nice bitching session, made me feel fantastic about myself. Thanks Pugsie... I will never forget that 12am conversation ever!! And I love the three of you and I know I have you irrespective of what.

Also, Awesome dancer messaged me such nice things after i told her which made me think that I am 'great at what i do' (in her words) and there is no point cribbing over things that two years down the line won't even matter. I learnt a lesson 2 years back and forgot it. This obviously happened because I really needed to be reminded. And I am so glad it happened now.

Concerned people don't even see a fault so I know that there is no point trying to make them understand anyway. I was absolutely normal with them and I didnt care. Initially it was hard but then I got used to it and the best part was that it stopped making a difference to me.

I am fabulous. And those who dont realise it can seriously go and .....

love!

Dont bother...You wont understand!!

Today I have learnt the greatest lesson of life.....
Only Trust Yourself!

Everything that I thought was mine has always been taken away from me, but i have never cringed. Everything that I presumed was true has aways turned out to be false. What stayed with me was my own self. Friends came and went, Love came and went, Respect came and went... but I never left Me!

Randomly surfing through facebook i come across these set of pictures which well...I had no clue existed. I in fact did not even know the day on which they were taken ever happened. What hurts me is my Ignorance. People concerned (and yeah they are in those pictures) were those who I thought liked me and respected me and cared for me. But only now do i realise that they were with me because they had no option. They prefer others (who always doubted my abilities) over me. I thought that it was in their heart, that love, which they did not want to demonstrate but now I know it just was not there. The fact that they did not tell me about this so called 'outing' only proves that I have merely been a part of their lives which they could not avoid. A mere convenience. Not being invited is something that i have never bothered about, its their personal life and they can do what they feel like. What hurts me is the fact that they refused to be present when I invited. And then not tell me about their ventures at all. Am I that far from reality? Was all this a mere delusion?

I thought that I had won this battle and had proved my metal but well guess what, They still won, those who didnt think I was worth it. They took away from me what i treasured the most, my relationship with the ones I cared about. It cant be same after all this. I know I wont keep this grudge. but i will always feel hollow from inside. My mom says that I haven't lost as yet and they are trying to break me and I shouldnt let them. But she doesn't know that they dont need to do much of an effort. They don't care about my existence and I am the one who keeps obsessing. I curse the day when I thought people looked upto me. The fear at the back of my mind has taken shape. It dances in front of my eyes and I cannot escape it.

Second time in these two and a half years I realise that trying to make friends in a professional environment is always a mistake. Not because it hampers your working, but because these friends always manage to hurt you. Thank you for opening my eyes you people concerned. I had forgotten this lesson after the first time I learnt it. I cannot imagine what I did wrong. But I know that it hurts!

I think I am just going to... well not care. That has always helped. The initial shock is over and I think I am through with all this. I know I am over reacting but well i cannot deny the pain.

Serious mind-block.
Especially because of confusion. I think i'm going to explode. I want to fast forward life and want to be 23 and earning good bucks. Or want to pause it to this third year of graduation. I don't want to leave dance yet I cant wait to see the other side of life as well. I want to find someone who cares yet I can't seem to get over the 'hangover' of my past relationship.

I repeat: Serious Mindblock!

BUSY!!!!

Too busy to write. I have two assignments to submit within this week one of which is due tomorrow. And I haven't even started doing it. I havent even read the book so that is going to be a little tough. Sparknotes here i come....

I also met up with Soul Sis and asked her about RO and she doesnt have a very good opinion of him. Atleast one thing is clear that i am only interested in friendship with him because I love talking to him. Here's hoping that he (with his girlfriend) stays happy forever. I won't fool around because a) I am not that kind of a person, and b) I am not that desperate even though I seriously lack men in life.

Today I went to watch Fashion with Pugsie. Typical Madhur Bhandarkar stuff. A little over-rated. But definitely worth a one time watch. A little long but not dragg-y (at least not for me).

LSR (dance competition) is on the 9th. Thats a Sunday. And we need to do quite a bit there as well. A lot of preparation required in fact. I promise a good post once I am through with these two assignments.

So later I guess!!!

Rantings of an unoccupied mind!!!

Early morning. Sleepy and groggy. With eyes half open, i check the cell phone. No missed call, no messages. Disappointed. Pulling the blanket up close i try to sleep or rather i try to remember the dream that I'd left incomplete before i woke up. Hmmm... Strong arms, sweet smell of cologne, husky voice.....

*Trrrrrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggg*

Drat those horrible doorbells. I don't care who opened the door but I hate being woken up to reality. Especially when I have all the time in the world. Although its good only. I shouldn't think of 'all this'. I should get up and do something constructive rather that fantasising about things which aren't coming my way anytime soon.

Crunches. 1... 2... 3...

I have to lose weight. I need to look goddamn gorgeous and unbelieving-ly irresistible.

10... 11... 12...

I wonder what mom has made for breakfast. I hope its something nice. I wont eat it right away though. I will go drink a lot of water. Yup loads and loads of it.

28... 29... 30

God are these crunches even helping considering I wasn't even warm before I started? I think they should be. But I don't control my diet at all nowadays. At least they wont let me put on more fat. God they better be helping.

39... 40...41...

I am a dancer. I should be stretching also. And i should be doing split warm ups and all those difficult fancy things i know. But I am on a holiday. I can skip those for a while. Right now I will concentrate on finishing these 100 crunches.

71... 72... 73...

*phew* *puff*.... At least i can do more crunches than a lot of people. But I need them also more than a lot of people. Will a flat stomach make my ex come back and beg me for apologies. I wont care now. I have to stop thinking about him. I am not taking him back again. Never. God that sounds so bad. Or probably not. I don't know. 94... 95... 96... almost there....99... 100!! *collapses*

Television. Nothing entertaining on air. No English channels at grandparent's place. Not even Disney channel. Suddenly I realise that I was plucking hair strands again. God I need to stop doing that. I will become bald at this rate. And I've got such pretty hair. I should seriously consider that before mercilessly plucking them out.

Chatting on Gmail. According to this net friend of mine, I am highly predictable. And he thinks its not a very good thing. I don't know about that. I cant change the way i am just because i don't want to be predictable. According to this other net friend, I can be a very good writer. Okay when i heard that i admit i did feel flattered. But I know its kind of not possible because I am a very moody writer and i can only write when i feel like.

DVD. Chak De India. One of my favourite movies. But the picture quality sucks. I will go back to Delhi and buy the original DVD. But then who has the time? Anyway its entertainment right now.

Oho. Electricity gone. Load shedding in these areas. I want to watch the movie. But I cant. I think i will message RO. But I was messaging him till late last night. He must be fast asleep. I shouldn't disturb him. Is he interested in me 'that' way? According to Best Fraand all guys are. But according to her she is also a 'cynic'. But why would he be so nice to me otherwise. You know it can be general friendship also. Maybe he IS like that. Very close to people he calls his friends. Maybe he likes talking to me on a daily basis. I should seriously ask him about his (girl)friend S. But I don't have the guts to do that. I don't want to ruin what we have. I really like talking to him. The major point here is also that do I like him 'that' way? To be truthful I am still very uncomfortable thinking of anybody else apart from Ajeeb Insaan in 'that' way. I hate to admit but that's the truth.

Call to Weird Girl. Always the most entertaining thing on the planet. God I don't need a boyfriend. Its just lack of things to do right now. My next week is already booked with lectures, practices, meeting weird girl and shopping with PP. I just need to get past these two days.

And I also need to start studying. Promise to self- I shall catch up on everything that i have missed during these days and make sure that i am not lagging behind.... Amen!

God I hate it when i have nothing to do.:(

:)

I feel happy.

Is it because my attempts and efforts are finally bearing fruit and are visibly leading to an almost successful journey? Or is it because I am satisfied with my hardwork and my dedication and the general outcome of events?

I feel relaxed.

Is it because I am in the company of people who love me without conditions and clauses and will continue to do so all their lives? Or is it the general peaceful atmosphere of my hometown after an eventful trip full of highs and lows?

I feel lonely.

Is it because I know that the only guy i ever loved isn't there and wont ever be there and even if he is i wont ever forgive my insults the way i did in the past? Or is it merely the aftereffects of a Mills and Boons (trashy) novel?

I feel beautiful.

Is it because after a long time, a guy has put it in words for me and has genuinely meant it (I think!)?? Or is it just beacuse he was someone of the opposite sex who i was once attracted to?

I feel dissapointed.

Is it because I know the guy who said i am beautiful is dating someone else? Or is it just the lack of men wooing me in my life?

I feel happy.

And i know it because i realise that I am in the most amazing phase of life where i have everything one could ever ask for. And I know it because I feel it more than everything else...

Being on a Roller Coaster!!!

Okay so for those wondering where I have been all this while and if my break up has led me to depression, let me tell you... My life has been a Roller Coaster ride for these past two weeks!!

Okay first thing first. Ajeeb Insaan chapter is closed once more. It took me exactly one day to get over him. And i knew i could do it with ease because i have done it before. 'Ab to aadat si hai mujhko...' I mean come on, I cannot cry over someone who has practically no regard for my feelings and who conveniently messes with my life and emotions whenever he wants to. I am not saying that i don't love him or I hate him or that i am bitter. Now i just don't care. I am sick of sulking over him and i decided that i wont do it now. Ho gaya yaar bas!! And in fact I am so happy because he chose the right time to break up with me, right before i was to leave for the annual cultural festival of BITS, Pilani.

Okay so BITS, Pilani. We came second. Wooohoooo!! My first National level certificate for dancing. This is what i worked so hard for. Although it is not the first prize but well then BITS, Goa won. I hope you see the connection... BITS, Pilani- BITS, Goa... So technically we won only....My god such an amazing end to such a chaotic trip. And trust me i am being subtle when i say 'chaotic'. God everything was so unorganised this year. Although the student union guys were very nice and were very supportive (thanks Rushikesh and Dhruv) but from the moment we entered the campus something or the other kept going wrong. First we were to share an accommodation with 50 other girls (that means 27+50=77 in one flat)!! When that confusion cleared and we were given another place, the volunteers lost our accommodation papers. I couldn't sleep properly that night because i was so tensed. Without those papers you face problems while coming back. And I had to leave like a day before the festival was getting over before everyone else because of family pressure (that's another long story) so being the Group Leader (GL) i had to take care of all this. Anyway wont go into the details but eventually this problem was solved. Then to top it all, this weird loser of a guy who said he was from the authority was practically drooling all over me. And THAT was very irritating.

Then our event got majorly delayed. Its started at 3am in the morning (would you believe that?) and got over at 6.30am. We were so tired by this time and I had to leave at 11.30am. Our Daru party got ruined because of this delay and so did my plans to get 'talli'. Uff so much confusion!! Anyway I was terribly tensed about our event and I had all this to worry about. By the end of it i had conveniently pressed the STOP button on the right side of my brain (dont ask me how i know its there, but I just know that its on the right side) and i was successful in being absolutely spaced out. But I guess that helped because we WON!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaay!

Anyway I had to come back with KMC and the trip back was even better. RO and i bonded like never before. Although I know RO from the past two years but i was always so busy with Soul Sis that I never found the time to talk to him. And I regret that so much now. By the end of the trip we were laughing our guts out at anything and everything. Be it the lame song game (where u skip some words from the lyrics and it sounds pervert), or the long chat we had in the bus or the auto ride back home. My god the auto ride back home... It was the most hilarious thing ever. ' The funniest in the history of funny things'. Poor Autowala bhaiyya thought we were dating and he kept waiting for mushy moments but poor guy was denied all the hopeful romance (i want to call it soft porn but i wont) as we both kept laughing on his face. God it was just out of this world. Like RO messaged me later, even I don't remember the last time i clicked with someone so well and that too in such a short span of time.

Hmmm... anyway now I am at my grandparent's place for Diwali with my family and cousins. Its going to be a lot of fun. Still I cant wait to go back to Delhi and get back into the grind. I am such a happy person.

PS- Dance is my real love which wont desert me ever.

PPS- Our fashion team came first in Pilani for the second time in a row. God They have no competition. They are Fantastic. So proud!!

Break-up Blues!!!!

He said what he had to say today. How can people just suddenly stop caring?? He broke up with me....again. I don't understand what I've done to deserve all this.... Ajeeb Insaan doesn't care anymore. Comparing my situation to this right now.

I am not as depressed as i was the first time. In fact I am kind of okay. The initial upset-ness was only because of the sense of rejection. But within an hour I understood that there is nothing wrong with me. Its him.

Can't write more on this topic right now. Hopefully a little later I'll feel better enough to analyse the situation and put it in words. But as for now, I'll just leave it here.

PS- Don't judge him. He is like that and I knew it. I knew what I was getting into. It is my own fault!!!

PPS- Sarojini market is the best place in the entire universe....:)

Not so miserable anymore...

Okay the miracle of miracles has happened. I did not feel like calling Ajeeb Insaan last night. I did feel like messaging him but stopped myself. I didn't call him last to last night either (that took a lot of my self-control). Although I did call him for about a minute in the evening where he told me how busy he is etc. and then i just sulked a little and went and read Frankenstein and finished it,thank you very much. Excellent text by the way. I also talked to Soul sis and I told her everything and she told me to do what i already knew. She told me to wait for some time and just let things pass. And also told me very firmly to not call him. That's being clingy as we all know. God I love her so much. Although she is in Pune but not even once has she made her absence pinch me. I do miss her terribly but I know she is there for me always. I felt so much better after talking to her and so much more sure of myself. She herself is going through an emotional turmoil (and exams!!) but she didn't want to talk about it. I can understand. I don't feel like talking about so many things because either i have no energy to explain or no will to hear criticism/ sympathetic words.

Okay Soul sis and I. We met last year in November for the first time. In fact 21st November, I remember because it was the day when we had the dance competition in my college- Ol That Jazz. Enigma also went for LIC (Lady Irvin College) in the morning and there I met Soul Sis for the first time. We came second in both the competitions while her team Sensation came third in LIC and first in my college. Although that was the first day of us meeting each other, we'd existed in each other's lives since times immemorial. Both of us were dating the same guy for a long time. Actually Mr Ex was double timing us (yes that too has happened to me...and yet you wonder why I am so bitter). We both broke up with the jerk and met online exactly after two years. And slowly we came closer. Apart from the boyfriend (that jerk!!), we have so many other things in common. Both are students of English literature and both are the presidents of our respective dance teams. Such similar interests that it ain't funny. This definitely is a small world and life is so crazy. And I don't remember when we got closer and when she became my soul sister. The best part about all this is that she is at present pursuing the course that I want to after my graduation from the institute that I want to get through. Hopefully I will be with her in Pune next academic year.

I am not so miserable anymore. Parents are better now. Dad allowed me for BITS Pilani without any argument. No talk about getting me married soon (thank god!!). No taunts about anything. All I need to do is to stay in my room and not talk much and study (i stopped pretending and actually started reading). Tomorrow we start practices again and I will be better. Less time to think about my problems will at least keep me away from worrying about them.

Last night at 12.30 am I felt a weird sensation in my throat and had a nose block. I now have cough and cold. Couldn't eat anything because of the same since morning and therefor I am having soup that tastes like raw potatoes. Best Fraand lost five kgs because she was ill but I cannot afford to fall ill and use it to my benefit because i need to get Enigma ready for BITS, Pilani. Pugsie has left for Bankok and will be back on Monday(missing you babe). I promised her I will send her an e-mail every time I miss her so that she feels 'special' when she comes home (we like indulging in weird yet cute activities;)...). Haven't talked to Froggy for quite some time but her message last night made me feel so much calmer about everything. It just made me realise what great friends I have.

I hate falling sick!!!

Miserable me:(

Okay I haven't felt so miserable in a long time. And the only reason why i am so miserable is because i feel helpless. There is just nothing that i can do to alter my present situation except letting it pass. And I cannot stand not being able to 'help it'.

Parents going mad. They are freaked out about my career an my future and me not going anywhere, and the only reason they can find for all this is because i am still dancing. They do not understand that if i stop dancing, i wont be able to concentrate on whatever 'little' i am doing right now ('little' according to them). I am going to stop dancing after December anyway, and I am spending a lot of time studying. Okay probably not as much as I should be but enough to at least get a decent score in internals. The only reason my aggregate sucks is because of my internals and that's because i have never bothered about them much *slaps self*. But now i have realised my mistake and its a Herculean task explaining this to my parents. They just don't understand. So i have adopted the ignore-them-but-pretend-to-study policy. They need to 'see' me studying to believe that i actually am. Otherwise i generally am a library person. And my Dad' favourite past time these days is talking about how they are going to get me married soon. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? So freaky. That's why I want to go away for my PG (hopefully to Pune. But if this is the scene, anywhere will do). I love my house and love my parents but I just cannot help hating them right now. I need to go out and miss my home in order to re-affirm it's value in my life. Also to have fun but trust me that is secondary.

Ajeeb Insaan is proving to be the most difficult being to handle. He just refuses to become normal. He makes sure he talks to me when I call but it sounds like a formality. No teasing, no mush, nothing about me except the formality of asking me about my day. He didn't go for classes yesterday and went for shopping with his friends G and P and P's girlfriend (from Mumbai). And no missing me, no calling me, no asking me even though he knew that i was free the whole day. Day before yesterday (Sunday- *ahem*, the day we generally meet) he didn't even talk about meeting me and went to amusement park with G, P, Neera and her friend. I never object to him ignoring me when he is studying but at least he can tell me that he missed me when he was having fun. Personally I didn't want to go with him or anything but at least he could've asked!! Chalo even if I don't mind all this (at least he could've asked!!), I do mind the fact that he is just not talking properly. He is always sleepy or tired at night and always busy during the day. Sunday night he told me he is too tired to talk and wanted to sleep and the next day he tells me that he was up till five talking to G and his cousin. I am so sick of all this. And what makes it worse is that i cannot stop myself from calling him. Every morning I get up and think that today I wont call him but the moment the clock strikes 23.45, I just cannot help myself. God I don't know WTF is wrong with me. He is right, I am way too used to talking to him, way too dependant on him. And i thought it was the other way round. Well i can just hope this gets better. Either he will become alright again or I will learn to stop myself.

All these problems are internally killing me while I am smiling outside. I cannot do anything else. I am acting normal only so no depression. But a lot of frustration inside. I cant just let go this time. I am generally very good at not caring but this time I just cant stop worrying. UFF!

I am a Romantic, Deal with it!!!

Well after the so called 'fight' with Ajeeb Insaan (Click here for an analysis of the situation by Pugsie) and getting back to square one and hating self for expecting stuff yet once more *kicks self*, I have realised that I do NOT need anyone to make me feel happy. Happiness is a state of mind that I need to achieve on my own. Ajeeb Insaan is right when he tells me that if i am upset about something, nothing he says will cheer me up. And today, irrespective of how upset i was in the morning and how uncertain i was about the futility of my 'relationship', I am happy right now because i want to be. Spending the day with Pugsie, and loving each second of it, i realised how happy i actually am. Shopping for 'stuff, clothes' (he he) makes me feel so much better. I realised what a hard core romantic I am at heart (said that to pugsie '75000 times' today). I love listening to old hindi songs and every time i hear them, my face lights up. Today in the City walk mall, there was this piano guy playing old songs. He played 'pehla nasha' and i felt so nice. I couldn't stop gushing after that. I love looking at huge buildings, posh malls, modern infrastructure. Even though my emotions were (are?) in a turmoil, i felt on top of the world today. I romanticise driving home at night. The well lit roads, fast cars passing by (when there is no traffic off course), their beaming lights, the flyovers and the red lights, listening to the radio. Everything about driving home at night. I love the bright colours an the dull colours (well colours in general), and i love black and white too. I love Dilli Haat stuff, the bangles, the paintings, the ethnic jewellery. I love looking at couples as they walk hand in hand. I love looking at my friends blush as they talk to their someone special. I love long E-mails, and longer telephone conversations.
And no haven't lost my mind (as a lot of you males must be thinking, no offence) but i acknowledge the fact that i am filmy, and romantic. And i accept it and i don't think there is anything wrong in that (as opposed to what my boyfriend thinks). But today as realisation creeps in, i know that everyone may not agree with that and may not enjoy so much Romanticism. So I don't need to share it with anyone. I want to believe in that Utopia of the perfect world and i like day-dreaming. And at the same time i know what reality is. So from now on i will keep that romantic world to myself and wont expect people to fulfill my dreams because frankly they can't. Only I can do that because I know what these dreams mean to me. If Ajeeb Insaan doesn't believe in so much romance, its not his fault. I will stop telling him all that i feel. After all i feel it for myself and i willingly want to live in this utopia. Its my choice and i wont force it on others.
In fact I still long for that dream man who will adore me for being so 'insane' and will call me in the early hours of morning to hear my groggy sleepy voice, who will message me some nonsensical stuff everyday, who will buy me roses, who will not get tired of looking at me, who will share all his joys with me and not just the sorrows, who would listen to me endlessly when i talk stupid things and actually take interest in them just because they are important to me. I know guys like that don't exist (reality check) but i would like to believe that they do because i feel the romance as I wait for him (please add 'waiting' in my list!!)....


*sigh*

Ps- I want things to be less complicated from now on. So i will just stop demanding stuff from Ajeeb Insaan. Its not worth the effort. And also, I will not think of the future bacause thats something I cannot control. And I will just take a backseat for once instead of trying so hard because that doesnt always work, especially with this weird guy!!!

Writing makes things easier to follow!!!

I am not going to settle for anything less than perfect. As long as i can help it, i will go to any extent, push myself the hardest to reach what i think is perfect and the rest i will leave to that supernatural power i strongly believe in. If i cannot help it, i will do everything in my power to make it the way i want it to be. The bottom line is that i will not settle for anything less than perfect irrespective of what part of my life it is and where it stands in priority list. I will make sure that i take desperate measures to make things happen the way i want them to be. I know that's impossible but i know the extent of possibility and i will make sure it reaches that extent.

In a certain part of my life, i cannot seem to figure out the definition of 'perfect' but i do know what kind of attitude i require from 'people'. I know it is possible because i have experienced it before. The level of involvement that i have, if 'people' reach even half of that, I will be happy. Right now, in order to get that, I need to hold back my feelings, not say everything i want to, hold myself back. This method has two benefits. a) It may lead to 'people' realising my worth and start treating me and my feelings with more consideration. b) If none of that happens then i will need to get over certain habits and controlling my feelings from now on will help me more.

Problem is that this whole controlling my feelings (and myself) is proving to be a very tough job. I know i can do it because I've done it once before but i am just way too disoriented to make it happen. But I will from now on.

Cant understand a word? I don't blame you. I just had to write it for myself.... Writing makes things easier to follow.

I want to...

Listening to a weird laughter show on TV that my parents find very funny, I am contemplating so many things tonight. Random thoughts just keep cropping up. I just created an imaginary boyfriend for myself in my head who is all that i want. No, I am not saying that i am unhappy with what i have but yes i miss the romance. Stuff is clear with Telepathic bitch, and i am so glad it is. I cannot stop worrying about dance because its not going anywhere. Too many things happening in college, as in a lot of departmental fests and all and therefore practice is at an all time low. And this is like just 20 days before we leave for BITS, Pilani. Studies for a change are fine. Not great but fine.

Its just very hard to put down stuff in words. Probably because i am not great with words anyway. But yeah I am not feeling any strong emotion. Only a lot of small feelings that are confusing me in a way. I want a let out. I want to talk to someone. I want someone to talk to me. And someone who will remind me of the good life that i have, who will appreciate me and will tell me how pretty i am. I want it to rain, and i want to get wet in the rain. I want the breeze to blow my hair off my face. I want to stand in an open hall with that someone special watching me as i slowly start dancing. I want to sit on a Giantwheel and i want to see the lights below me. I want to eat cotton candy. I want to run as fast as i can. I want to get into a crowded bus. I want someone to tell me that i am different from the rest of the world. I want to feel mushy on the phone, I want to wear a sari, I want to scream my name out loud from my terrace... I just want to...

If you think its not all that difficult to do and i should go ahead and pick one of the things like running, screaming or wearing a sari to at least make me feel better... you certainly have not understood my problem. Even if I can do any of this, why don't i see myself doing it??? Why?

Good day, dissapointing evening!!!

Today was a nice day. I got my attendance marked as in whatever i missed because of practice. Not all teachers but its still so satisfying to know that i am not short on attendance abhi tak:). Also I wrote a class assignment for Achebe's Things Fall Apart. Although I did not know a lot of things but i still managed to fill 4 sides. And again i am very content. I need to do an assigment on Yeats now and another one on Sons and Lovers by Lawrence and I am through with the before vacation work. And that feels so amazing. This time i am totally going to submit the maximum assignments and get 'kick ass' marks in my internals. Yeah baby, KICK ASS!!!

Oh yesterday Pugsie wrote a very nice thing for me...YAY!! Its 'The Ode to Anu'

The Ode to Anu

like a wild deer

gone berserk in the rain

you leap with

inexplicable grace

throwing open your arm

to welcome an embrace

chattering excitedly

as feelings your

mood dictates

when happy or glum

an energy around

you hums

with shrieks and sounds

an aura loud

That's how you'll be

forever in my

Memory

-Pugsie

Awwww... I love you for it. Especially because nobody before this has ever written a poem about me. And that too so amazing. I love the way you write.

Its evening. I am talking to Weird Girl right now. And I had forgotten her SPB show and she was very upset. She just told me how pissed she was. She says she is over it now but i feel so guilty. And i messaged her around that time that i am telling my parents that I'm going to meet her when i was meeting Ajeeb Insaan. She is talking normally now. In fact giving me advice on certain unmentionable topic. But i feel horrible for not being there when she wanted me to be. And those are rare times when she acknowledges that she wants you around.

One good day and a disappointing evening. Hmmm whatever... Assignments done but friends upset. Vaise i should be mentioning the argument with Telepathic Bitch as well but its too much to mention. She is so oversensitive. OVERSENSITIVE!!! Uff i cant reason with her at times. I just cannot. But Anyway...I guess i should just move on!

Sunday Morning!!! hmmmm

I hate rigged competitions. IIT sucks man. Although we didn't deserve the first prize (SRCC deserved it), but we were definitely among the top three. And would you believe the results?? IIT-D came third, SRCC came second and the brilliant (i repeat 'BRILLIANT') IIT- Kanpur came first. They didn't even wear a proper costume for heaven's sake. They were taken into the finals after looking at their video as opposed to all of us performing in the prelims. You know what i strongly feel... I feel IIT got intimidated by us and ruined our CD and misled us into the theme thing. The coordinator was a sly guy!! hmmmm....I am over it now.

Going today to meet Ajeeb Insaan for a relaxing break. Meeting after two weeks and after today wont be meeting for another two. I hate to admit but i am already missing him. I want to make the most of today to last me for the next two weeks. Thinking of some *ahem* naughty things but don't know if I'll have the guts to carry out my elaborate 'in my mind' plans. He was very sweet on the phone last night. Affectionate to be precise. Poor guy is missing 'ghar ka khana' so i am taking some aloo ke paranthe for him today. Awwww!!! Yeah only I 'awww' at my so called relationship. And so does Awesome Dancer but her relationship is more 'awww' than mine.

Next week is going to be TOUGH!!! I need to catch up on everything i missed because of this stupid IIT. First and foremost i need to get my attendance marked. And then the assignments. Then i will need to worry about all the class work i have missed. FEELS LIKE SCHOOL!!!

Also i need to pull the strings where my first year dancers are concerned. They need to work very very very hard. And i barely have time to clean their moves individually. But I will manage somehow. Positive approach always works.

Mr. Ex called yesterday and i picked up because i did not recognise the number. The moment i recognised his voice i wanted to bang the phone on his face. Well i didn't. Although I told him that i have the urge to do it and i think my tone was horrible. But serves him right. Anyway so the call was all about how this problem in his academic life made him believe in God and karma and he wanted to apologise and blah blah blah (the same old story)... reminded me of the latest Yash Raj movie 'Bachna Aye Haseeno' ( Pugsie are you listening?). I don't think i hate anyone in this world except him. I could not believe a word he said, probably because I have done that mistake so many times before. I actually made fun of him after keeping the phone and that too without guilt. He might be telling the truth this time but I just cannot trust him ever. He just wanted me to hear him out and at the end i told him clearly that i don't believe him and that in case whatever he said is true, its good for him and i don't feel anything whatsoever. And the best part was that I actually didn't feel anything, not even sorry or sympathetic!

I love the rain. And it has been raining for quite some time in Delhi now. I hate the sticky weather that follows but I am totally in love with rain. Cant ever get enough of it. The raindrops, the green trees, the smell of earth when rain falls on it, the umbrellas, the thunder and lightening.... God its just too amazing. Fills me with joy, every time.

Cleared IIT prelims...HOOORRRAY!!!
The only girls team in the top 8. My god i am so freaked out. Oh god the other teams have so many people on stage at all times while we are just seven. I want to win badly. Okay if not win but at least leave a very strong impact!! uff! The theme round is soooo tough to execute. Its something totally different for us, this story depiction! But yeah we are trying our best. HMMMM
Lets hope we do well!

PS- Ajeeb Insaan has not found the time to talk to me properly from the past two days. Nice way to support, hai na??? Not that i need it but atleast u can show some concern! khhhhhh!!

Cannot find a title suitable enough... like i said, 'Not Intellectual Enough'!

OH my god after centuries i talked to Best Fraand today. SO Happy! Although we talked about Gulab but it was fun:).. I have missed this so much that i cant even begin to explain. oh by the way...'gulab'!!! ho ha ha ha! But yeah *drool* also!

Anyway. Today Enigma 2ND years and i decided to throw a party for Sood's birthday surprize. Its an AMMMMAAZING plan. We shall kidnap her in college and drive straight to my place and then will drink till we drop. I know its kind of risky, booze at my place. But Dad isn't in town, and I've asked my mom to go to her friend's place. And the funniest part is that all this will happen in broad daylight. Actually most of them aren't allowed sleepovers and are most probable to get very high and lose control so we cannot go out either.... So broad daylight it is! Oh my god me is super duper happy and excited. And have been booze deprived for quite some time so even more excited!

I just realised that I've never got high ever. I have some capacity man! I can drink 5 shots of vodka and still not feel tipsy. I hate those girls who 'pretend' to get all high and keep falling on guys in a SINGLE SHOT. Oh for Pete's sake, stop trying to get attention. And these stupid girls actually think that guys will buy their shit crap drunk 'naatak'!! I actually know a girl who started pretending to be all high after eating rum cake. I mean even if she had said liqueur chocolates, i would have bought it, but rum cake? And the best part of all this was that she actually was getting a lot of attention but that wasn't because she was apparently 'high'. It was because of her low cut neck and her glitter smeared boobs! HAR HAR!

Soooooo. Booze party is totally on. And tomorrow is IIT's preliminary round. Freaked out. Just imagine not clearing the prelims. That will be humiliating! I know we are good but the point is that it has been long. We will performing Full On after a long time. Anyway I shall not think about it. I am just going to go there and give it all. Hmmmm..... Anxious. Apprehensive. Hopeful?? Trying to be positive...

Tired....and hence the pointers....

- I love Delhi. I know its a horrible place for many, people are very selfish, mean, the civic sense sucks....blah blah blah! But i still love the place. I don't see myself living elsewhere ever. I love the infrastructure both old and new. I love the metro, the flyovers, the expressways, the old broken forts, everything. The buses, the autos, the cars, traffic jams! Dhaula kuan, Bhikaji Cama palace (i love saying that name, sounds exotic to me), Najafgarh, Vasant Kunj, CP, Karol bagh, Pitampura (yeah NCR), Chandni Chowk, GK....Uff everything.... I so belong here. I love the 'selfish' people also. At least they don't interfere in what i do and what i want. The population here is on the extremes, from the extremely POSH PUNJABIS to the absolute slum workers, the contrast is magnificent. *sigh* *falls in love with it all over again*

- It takes two smart girls and 5 dumb guys to understand how to rip a CD on a windows media player. Actually i am being a sexist here because the so called 'dumb' guys were the ones who told us what to do. so its basically two 'dumb girls'...but we will call ourselves tech illiterate...that's more fancy and less embarrassing.... :)

- IIT in two days. Fuck I am scared. Scared to lose. That's my another quality, I hate losing ( sarcasm pours). And my brilliant dad before leaving for Mauritius has changed the audio format of our PC leading to everything sounding SLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWW!!!! And i don't have the music editor (audacity rocks) on my laptop. So basically I am stuck. Frustration follows incapability to finish work.

- Ajeeb Insaan has to learn to miss me. And I have to learn to stop calling him. So no more. Will only talk when he calls. So what if he has no balance, GO GET A TOP UP DUDE instead of wasting money on the 100Th pair of branded jeans and the 3rd weird tattoo( my boyfriend is an art file). SOOOOO from this second onwards no calls... Hell i just promised him that i will call in 15 mins... But NO!!! i shall not! hmmmmm

- Read Best Fraand's blog today and hello...I am there like 15 blogs before the latest one. Cruelty continues. Less indifference but I hate to admit that i don't think i make a lot of difference in her life anymore. Hate this. I hate not existing in people's life!!!

Terrifying Terrorism!!

Okay terrorism is scary. I know they say that you shouldn't get terrorised in a time of crisis because that's exactly what 'they' want but still it IS so freaky. Imagine sitting in a park, or walking on the road and suddenly you are blown away by a bomb blast. Or even worse, someone you love suffers. Five serial blasts in Delhi today, and three of them in GK. That's so close to my college that i cannot even pretend to not be affected. So many people i know live in GK. And in CP. Its so scary. What do these terrorists get by killing innocent people. If you are not happy with the government, kill the person responsible for your distress. Actually don't kill anyone at all. But i don't understand why they take innocent lives who aren't even at fault. What sought of justice is making those people suffer who are trying to make their lives happy and are not involved in anything to do with dirty politics. Is this the only way of bringing a country to its knees. What these terrorists don't understand is that people who are probably responsible for their sufferings aren't even bothered about all these innocent people who die. Think of the number of families which are ruined because of a mere act of revenge.

Sometimes I think what will happen if I die a sudden death like this. I want to live to see so many things. I want to dance and sing and laugh. I want to know what kind of job I'll do and what kind of salary i will earn. I want to live to see the progress that our city makes, to see the new flyovers and the expressways. I want to see winters again because i haven't seen them enough yet. I want to feel the raindrops on face as i walk on the empty roads of my campus. No i need to live to experience so many things. I want to experience true love. I want to see the beautiful castles in Europe, and the old forts of Rajasthan. I want to swim in the sea once more. No i cannot die so soon. I just want to live at least till the time my body gives up. I don't wish to leave this world with a sense of emptiness in my heart.

And what if someone i love is killed? Will I ever be able to get out of the trauma? No I wont. There will be huge hole in my heart that will never get occupied. Ajeeb insaan asked me the other night what i will do if he dies. Its a thought that i don't even wish to acknowledge. I wont even have the right to lament if something like that ever happens. Technically I am nobody in his life as the society sees it. I won't be even permitted a last glance of his face. And what if one of my parents suffer? Once i dreamt of my father's death and I was depressed for the whole week. Although I didn't see him dying but i saw his last words to me written in his lovely handwriting(that i will always love) on a burning piece of paper. I became so sensitive after this dream that I cried on every small bad news that i heard. I still have that image so fresh in my mind that i get gooseflesh everytime i remember it.
Or what if it is one of my friends? I will be shattered to the limit of madness. I don't even know if i would be able to cry.

Why do people kill like this? Why do they make people like us suffer so badly?
I guess staying positive is THE only way to deal with all this. Violet Flame please protect the ones i love from all these mishaps. In fact just stop these mishaps. But even if they do happen, please protect my loved ones.

Wishing for a peaceful world.....

Human mind isnt confusing??? THINK AGAIN!

The first competition of the season is coming up. And it will the first time we will perform in IIT. God i am so anxious. I just want to do well so badly. I know i should look at the fun aspect of it all but i am kind of scared. Especially because i have no experience of such a large stage, and because i really want to leave a good impression on the first years, and i just want to win....everywhere. And losing IIT will be like losing the first competition of the year. I know we are doing the old piece but that should work in our favour since we have it rehearsed and ready...

UFF!! I just want things to work out...and i just want it to be a lot of fun also. Especially because Awesome dancer has her important NIIT presentation the same day and she is going to be late and therefore there might be a little chaos. Although I know the competition wont start on time and we will take the last slot. But still all this adds to the anxiety.

Okay apart from the IIT anxiety, the ajeeb insaan part of life isn't very cool either. Its perfect on surface but i miss something inside. I see myself getting more and more attached and therefore i feel clingy. He is still the same, wants his sleep, is busy with work, giving attention to friends, doesn't know how to react when i tell him all this, kind of self-obsessive... But all of this leads me to try harder to control my feelings and feel even more out of control. I feel vulnerable and gullible. He is responsible in a way too because of the way he behaves at times, for example going a bit too far in teasing me and then showing how much better it makes him feel. I have heard of sadistic pleasures par itna??? And then him telling me how i don't know how to do certain things. Although he made sure that he said it very lightly and then moved on to tell me how nice i am but i don't know. Yesterday he actually snapped at me twice and worst part of it was that i reacted to it. I know him inside out and i know how he behaves when he is a little tired or frustrated and in a way i see it as my problem that i feel bad about it. Its not right to expect things and that's exactly what i end up doing. Its a weird problem so i cant really come up with a solution and that adds to the irritation. I am thinking of taking a week's break from talking to him. But I want him to miss me badly when that happens and if he doesn't (he'll miss me but not 'badly' enough), then i will be more irritated so i dont want to risk it. There are a certain things i badly want him to do, like buying me gift a without telling me, surprising me with a kiss, holding me from behind, NOT feeling sleepy all night only because he wants to talk to me, give me a rose, get me chocolates and a lot of other private things. Its so foolish thinking of all this because its like expecting stuff and very cheesy romantic stuff which is a little difficult in a relationship which has lasted this long(4.5 years on and off)!!! Anyway.... i guess i will just leave it there... i cant do anything about it!

So anxiety and irritation....does that mean moody and frustrated me??? Actually not. I feel good most of the time as long as i am not thinking about these things. I think I cant wait for the next week to get over. IIT will be out of the 'worry list' and i will find out how badly Ajeeb insaan wants to meet me, and certain other things which will help me realise if i need to take a break or not and if i do how long will it be.

So weird...all this! I dont even know what to think and how to feel. Especially when i want to keep these two thoughts out of my mind, and also because they keep popping right back!

My driving force!

I love it when things start taking shape and hard work starts showing. Today was the first fruitful full day practice. I am so tired but so content. Although we only did the first song but it was totally worth it. God i cant believe i love dancing so much.And more than dance its compiling a whole dance piece with formations, choreography, stunts, lifts....Its just AMAZING! And these DU dance competitions are worth all the hard work we put in. There is so much to look forward to. Each Dance Team has their own style and each choreographer has a distinct taste. Ours being the only team which is choreographed by students (ahem ahem, thank you), the pressure is so high. I have to depend on my own perception of what will work and what wont.One cant really say what this stupid DU crowd will like and what they wont understand.

UFF i cant wait to go to Pilani and start performing again. Its my last year and i want to make the most of it. I will give it all i have. God knows when i will be able to Dance like THIS again!!! I know i wont ever stop dancing but handling a team, looking at people dancing to what you have taught them, the high of being on stage and competing, team spirit, anxiety, results...GOD i am gonna really miss all this.

But I guess I will have to move on. And move on to better things. and learn so much more. And do so much more. But one thing is for sure that i will miss Enigma like crazy. Its like my baby and I will have to leave it in other people's hands and go. I generally don't think of all this but today after seeing our growth from my first year, I don't want to leave it ever. But that cant really happen.....

hmmmm..... I love my dance team!

Warning:Alienate yourself while you read in order to avoid after effects!

This book that i finished reading yesterday makes me wanna never think of marriage. The book was 'How to Kill your Husband?', a chic-lit about three middle aged women, their marital problems, their husbands and their mid life crisis (wtf is that?) and a lot of Sex!!! I was reading it for fun and to take a brake from Lawrence (Sons and Lovers) and Gordimer (My Son's Story) and it was in a way worth the 250 bucks i spent on it. But it totally freaked me out about this whole marriage thing. I mean men can never be ready for commitment. They can never be precise about the way they feel and just cannot accept their mistakes. They just want to always believe that things will get better on their own and all they need to do is to live on impulse. I know i am generalising but hello that IS the truth in maximum cases. And yes how they are such horrid escapists! They just want to live with their heads buried in the sand! And they want to believe that the world runs the way they want it to. And they are such boastful idiots. All they care about is themselves, their lives, their jobs, their issues, their problems (no matter how trivial they are), their family, their own little pathetic universe. The book had a very western context but i can see it happening in India very soon.

To top it all reading Ibsen plays ('Ghosts' and 'A Doll's House') has freaked me out even more. The absurdity of marriage, the futility of a man-woman relationship. I don't completely blame men but if a woman is ready for so many compromises and is willing to adjust why cant men just deal with their ego and learn to be a little more considerate. There is a way of dealing with everything but the problem with the male sex is that they don't want to 'deal' with anything. It takes a miracle to change what a man thinks, a second sun to change his beliefs (irrespective of how silly they are!)

Although Ajeeb Insaan has changed a lot but his basic instincts are the same. I have learnt to deal with them over the period of time. I cant change him and i don't want to live in the world of false hopes, so i have altered my behaviour towards him. And THAT led him to be more considerate only because i think somewhere he realised that something was weird about the change in my behaviour. I am not complaining or anything because i love spending time with him. But i saw so much of 'US' in the female protagonist of that stupid book that i am freaked out. The 'husband' was exactly like Ajeeb insaan, only much more exaggerated. But then a chic-lit is supposed to be exaggerated.

Uff...all this is too much for me to handle, so i am going to behave like a man and ignore all these weird thoughts relating to marriage and just 'bury my head in the sand'. I can afford to do that because its way too early for me to put myself in a similar scenario. But HELL i still acknowledge the fact that i AM freaked out. I don't want to believe that marriage is hard to handle. I know that i will someday face the question of spending my remaining life 'with a boy' and i just don't want that day to come, EVER! I am embarrassed that i have dreamt of a happy, settled, perfect bollywood married life a lot of times, and that I have told myself that 'all girls dream of all this'.

And i do wish to add a disclaimer in the end that this has got nothing to do with the way i feel about Ajeeb Insaan! This is nothing but a let out, an after effect!