Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Rantings of an unoccupied mind!!!

Early morning. Sleepy and groggy. With eyes half open, i check the cell phone. No missed call, no messages. Disappointed. Pulling the blanket up close i try to sleep or rather i try to remember the dream that I'd left incomplete before i woke up. Hmmm... Strong arms, sweet smell of cologne, husky voice.....


Drat those horrible doorbells. I don't care who opened the door but I hate being woken up to reality. Especially when I have all the time in the world. Although its good only. I shouldn't think of 'all this'. I should get up and do something constructive rather that fantasising about things which aren't coming my way anytime soon.

Crunches. 1... 2... 3...

I have to lose weight. I need to look goddamn gorgeous and unbelieving-ly irresistible.

10... 11... 12...

I wonder what mom has made for breakfast. I hope its something nice. I wont eat it right away though. I will go drink a lot of water. Yup loads and loads of it.

28... 29... 30

God are these crunches even helping considering I wasn't even warm before I started? I think they should be. But I don't control my diet at all nowadays. At least they wont let me put on more fat. God they better be helping.

39... 40...41...

I am a dancer. I should be stretching also. And i should be doing split warm ups and all those difficult fancy things i know. But I am on a holiday. I can skip those for a while. Right now I will concentrate on finishing these 100 crunches.

71... 72... 73...

*phew* *puff*.... At least i can do more crunches than a lot of people. But I need them also more than a lot of people. Will a flat stomach make my ex come back and beg me for apologies. I wont care now. I have to stop thinking about him. I am not taking him back again. Never. God that sounds so bad. Or probably not. I don't know. 94... 95... 96... almost there....99... 100!! *collapses*

Television. Nothing entertaining on air. No English channels at grandparent's place. Not even Disney channel. Suddenly I realise that I was plucking hair strands again. God I need to stop doing that. I will become bald at this rate. And I've got such pretty hair. I should seriously consider that before mercilessly plucking them out.

Chatting on Gmail. According to this net friend of mine, I am highly predictable. And he thinks its not a very good thing. I don't know about that. I cant change the way i am just because i don't want to be predictable. According to this other net friend, I can be a very good writer. Okay when i heard that i admit i did feel flattered. But I know its kind of not possible because I am a very moody writer and i can only write when i feel like.

DVD. Chak De India. One of my favourite movies. But the picture quality sucks. I will go back to Delhi and buy the original DVD. But then who has the time? Anyway its entertainment right now.

Oho. Electricity gone. Load shedding in these areas. I want to watch the movie. But I cant. I think i will message RO. But I was messaging him till late last night. He must be fast asleep. I shouldn't disturb him. Is he interested in me 'that' way? According to Best Fraand all guys are. But according to her she is also a 'cynic'. But why would he be so nice to me otherwise. You know it can be general friendship also. Maybe he IS like that. Very close to people he calls his friends. Maybe he likes talking to me on a daily basis. I should seriously ask him about his (girl)friend S. But I don't have the guts to do that. I don't want to ruin what we have. I really like talking to him. The major point here is also that do I like him 'that' way? To be truthful I am still very uncomfortable thinking of anybody else apart from Ajeeb Insaan in 'that' way. I hate to admit but that's the truth.

Call to Weird Girl. Always the most entertaining thing on the planet. God I don't need a boyfriend. Its just lack of things to do right now. My next week is already booked with lectures, practices, meeting weird girl and shopping with PP. I just need to get past these two days.

And I also need to start studying. Promise to self- I shall catch up on everything that i have missed during these days and make sure that i am not lagging behind.... Amen!

God I hate it when i have nothing to do.:(

Monday, October 27, 2008


I feel happy.

Is it because my attempts and efforts are finally bearing fruit and are visibly leading to an almost successful journey? Or is it because I am satisfied with my hardwork and my dedication and the general outcome of events?

I feel relaxed.

Is it because I am in the company of people who love me without conditions and clauses and will continue to do so all their lives? Or is it the general peaceful atmosphere of my hometown after an eventful trip full of highs and lows?

I feel lonely.

Is it because I know that the only guy i ever loved isn't there and wont ever be there and even if he is i wont ever forgive my insults the way i did in the past? Or is it merely the aftereffects of a Mills and Boons (trashy) novel?

I feel beautiful.

Is it because after a long time, a guy has put it in words for me and has genuinely meant it (I think!)?? Or is it just beacuse he was someone of the opposite sex who i was once attracted to?

I feel dissapointed.

Is it because I know the guy who said i am beautiful is dating someone else? Or is it just the lack of men wooing me in my life?

I feel happy.

And i know it because i realise that I am in the most amazing phase of life where i have everything one could ever ask for. And I know it because I feel it more than everything else...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Being on a Roller Coaster!!!

Okay so for those wondering where I have been all this while and if my break up has led me to depression, let me tell you... My life has been a Roller Coaster ride for these past two weeks!!

Okay first thing first. Ajeeb Insaan chapter is closed once more. It took me exactly one day to get over him. And i knew i could do it with ease because i have done it before. 'Ab to aadat si hai mujhko...' I mean come on, I cannot cry over someone who has practically no regard for my feelings and who conveniently messes with my life and emotions whenever he wants to. I am not saying that i don't love him or I hate him or that i am bitter. Now i just don't care. I am sick of sulking over him and i decided that i wont do it now. Ho gaya yaar bas!! And in fact I am so happy because he chose the right time to break up with me, right before i was to leave for the annual cultural festival of BITS, Pilani.

Okay so BITS, Pilani. We came second. Wooohoooo!! My first National level certificate for dancing. This is what i worked so hard for. Although it is not the first prize but well then BITS, Goa won. I hope you see the connection... BITS, Pilani- BITS, Goa... So technically we won only....My god such an amazing end to such a chaotic trip. And trust me i am being subtle when i say 'chaotic'. God everything was so unorganised this year. Although the student union guys were very nice and were very supportive (thanks Rushikesh and Dhruv) but from the moment we entered the campus something or the other kept going wrong. First we were to share an accommodation with 50 other girls (that means 27+50=77 in one flat)!! When that confusion cleared and we were given another place, the volunteers lost our accommodation papers. I couldn't sleep properly that night because i was so tensed. Without those papers you face problems while coming back. And I had to leave like a day before the festival was getting over before everyone else because of family pressure (that's another long story) so being the Group Leader (GL) i had to take care of all this. Anyway wont go into the details but eventually this problem was solved. Then to top it all, this weird loser of a guy who said he was from the authority was practically drooling all over me. And THAT was very irritating.

Then our event got majorly delayed. Its started at 3am in the morning (would you believe that?) and got over at 6.30am. We were so tired by this time and I had to leave at 11.30am. Our Daru party got ruined because of this delay and so did my plans to get 'talli'. Uff so much confusion!! Anyway I was terribly tensed about our event and I had all this to worry about. By the end of it i had conveniently pressed the STOP button on the right side of my brain (dont ask me how i know its there, but I just know that its on the right side) and i was successful in being absolutely spaced out. But I guess that helped because we WON!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaay!

Anyway I had to come back with KMC and the trip back was even better. RO and i bonded like never before. Although I know RO from the past two years but i was always so busy with Soul Sis that I never found the time to talk to him. And I regret that so much now. By the end of the trip we were laughing our guts out at anything and everything. Be it the lame song game (where u skip some words from the lyrics and it sounds pervert), or the long chat we had in the bus or the auto ride back home. My god the auto ride back home... It was the most hilarious thing ever. ' The funniest in the history of funny things'. Poor Autowala bhaiyya thought we were dating and he kept waiting for mushy moments but poor guy was denied all the hopeful romance (i want to call it soft porn but i wont) as we both kept laughing on his face. God it was just out of this world. Like RO messaged me later, even I don't remember the last time i clicked with someone so well and that too in such a short span of time.

Hmmm... anyway now I am at my grandparent's place for Diwali with my family and cousins. Its going to be a lot of fun. Still I cant wait to go back to Delhi and get back into the grind. I am such a happy person.

PS- Dance is my real love which wont desert me ever.

PPS- Our fashion team came first in Pilani for the second time in a row. God They have no competition. They are Fantastic. So proud!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Break-up Blues!!!!

He said what he had to say today. How can people just suddenly stop caring?? He broke up with me....again. I don't understand what I've done to deserve all this.... Ajeeb Insaan doesn't care anymore. Comparing my situation to this right now.

I am not as depressed as i was the first time. In fact I am kind of okay. The initial upset-ness was only because of the sense of rejection. But within an hour I understood that there is nothing wrong with me. Its him.

Can't write more on this topic right now. Hopefully a little later I'll feel better enough to analyse the situation and put it in words. But as for now, I'll just leave it here.

PS- Don't judge him. He is like that and I knew it. I knew what I was getting into. It is my own fault!!!

PPS- Sarojini market is the best place in the entire universe....:)

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Not so miserable anymore...

Okay the miracle of miracles has happened. I did not feel like calling Ajeeb Insaan last night. I did feel like messaging him but stopped myself. I didn't call him last to last night either (that took a lot of my self-control). Although I did call him for about a minute in the evening where he told me how busy he is etc. and then i just sulked a little and went and read Frankenstein and finished it,thank you very much. Excellent text by the way. I also talked to Soul sis and I told her everything and she told me to do what i already knew. She told me to wait for some time and just let things pass. And also told me very firmly to not call him. That's being clingy as we all know. God I love her so much. Although she is in Pune but not even once has she made her absence pinch me. I do miss her terribly but I know she is there for me always. I felt so much better after talking to her and so much more sure of myself. She herself is going through an emotional turmoil (and exams!!) but she didn't want to talk about it. I can understand. I don't feel like talking about so many things because either i have no energy to explain or no will to hear criticism/ sympathetic words.

Okay Soul sis and I. We met last year in November for the first time. In fact 21st November, I remember because it was the day when we had the dance competition in my college- Ol That Jazz. Enigma also went for LIC (Lady Irvin College) in the morning and there I met Soul Sis for the first time. We came second in both the competitions while her team Sensation came third in LIC and first in my college. Although that was the first day of us meeting each other, we'd existed in each other's lives since times immemorial. Both of us were dating the same guy for a long time. Actually Mr Ex was double timing us (yes that too has happened to me...and yet you wonder why I am so bitter). We both broke up with the jerk and met online exactly after two years. And slowly we came closer. Apart from the boyfriend (that jerk!!), we have so many other things in common. Both are students of English literature and both are the presidents of our respective dance teams. Such similar interests that it ain't funny. This definitely is a small world and life is so crazy. And I don't remember when we got closer and when she became my soul sister. The best part about all this is that she is at present pursuing the course that I want to after my graduation from the institute that I want to get through. Hopefully I will be with her in Pune next academic year.

I am not so miserable anymore. Parents are better now. Dad allowed me for BITS Pilani without any argument. No talk about getting me married soon (thank god!!). No taunts about anything. All I need to do is to stay in my room and not talk much and study (i stopped pretending and actually started reading). Tomorrow we start practices again and I will be better. Less time to think about my problems will at least keep me away from worrying about them.

Last night at 12.30 am I felt a weird sensation in my throat and had a nose block. I now have cough and cold. Couldn't eat anything because of the same since morning and therefor I am having soup that tastes like raw potatoes. Best Fraand lost five kgs because she was ill but I cannot afford to fall ill and use it to my benefit because i need to get Enigma ready for BITS, Pilani. Pugsie has left for Bankok and will be back on Monday(missing you babe). I promised her I will send her an e-mail every time I miss her so that she feels 'special' when she comes home (we like indulging in weird yet cute activities;)...). Haven't talked to Froggy for quite some time but her message last night made me feel so much calmer about everything. It just made me realise what great friends I have.

I hate falling sick!!!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Miserable me:(

Okay I haven't felt so miserable in a long time. And the only reason why i am so miserable is because i feel helpless. There is just nothing that i can do to alter my present situation except letting it pass. And I cannot stand not being able to 'help it'.

Parents going mad. They are freaked out about my career an my future and me not going anywhere, and the only reason they can find for all this is because i am still dancing. They do not understand that if i stop dancing, i wont be able to concentrate on whatever 'little' i am doing right now ('little' according to them). I am going to stop dancing after December anyway, and I am spending a lot of time studying. Okay probably not as much as I should be but enough to at least get a decent score in internals. The only reason my aggregate sucks is because of my internals and that's because i have never bothered about them much *slaps self*. But now i have realised my mistake and its a Herculean task explaining this to my parents. They just don't understand. So i have adopted the ignore-them-but-pretend-to-study policy. They need to 'see' me studying to believe that i actually am. Otherwise i generally am a library person. And my Dad' favourite past time these days is talking about how they are going to get me married soon. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? So freaky. That's why I want to go away for my PG (hopefully to Pune. But if this is the scene, anywhere will do). I love my house and love my parents but I just cannot help hating them right now. I need to go out and miss my home in order to re-affirm it's value in my life. Also to have fun but trust me that is secondary.

Ajeeb Insaan is proving to be the most difficult being to handle. He just refuses to become normal. He makes sure he talks to me when I call but it sounds like a formality. No teasing, no mush, nothing about me except the formality of asking me about my day. He didn't go for classes yesterday and went for shopping with his friends G and P and P's girlfriend (from Mumbai). And no missing me, no calling me, no asking me even though he knew that i was free the whole day. Day before yesterday (Sunday- *ahem*, the day we generally meet) he didn't even talk about meeting me and went to amusement park with G, P, Neera and her friend. I never object to him ignoring me when he is studying but at least he can tell me that he missed me when he was having fun. Personally I didn't want to go with him or anything but at least he could've asked!! Chalo even if I don't mind all this (at least he could've asked!!), I do mind the fact that he is just not talking properly. He is always sleepy or tired at night and always busy during the day. Sunday night he told me he is too tired to talk and wanted to sleep and the next day he tells me that he was up till five talking to G and his cousin. I am so sick of all this. And what makes it worse is that i cannot stop myself from calling him. Every morning I get up and think that today I wont call him but the moment the clock strikes 23.45, I just cannot help myself. God I don't know WTF is wrong with me. He is right, I am way too used to talking to him, way too dependant on him. And i thought it was the other way round. Well i can just hope this gets better. Either he will become alright again or I will learn to stop myself.

All these problems are internally killing me while I am smiling outside. I cannot do anything else. I am acting normal only so no depression. But a lot of frustration inside. I cant just let go this time. I am generally very good at not caring but this time I just cant stop worrying. UFF!

Friday, October 3, 2008

I am a Romantic, Deal with it!!!

Well after the so called 'fight' with Ajeeb Insaan (Click here for an analysis of the situation by Pugsie) and getting back to square one and hating self for expecting stuff yet once more *kicks self*, I have realised that I do NOT need anyone to make me feel happy. Happiness is a state of mind that I need to achieve on my own. Ajeeb Insaan is right when he tells me that if i am upset about something, nothing he says will cheer me up. And today, irrespective of how upset i was in the morning and how uncertain i was about the futility of my 'relationship', I am happy right now because i want to be. Spending the day with Pugsie, and loving each second of it, i realised how happy i actually am. Shopping for 'stuff, clothes' (he he) makes me feel so much better. I realised what a hard core romantic I am at heart (said that to pugsie '75000 times' today). I love listening to old hindi songs and every time i hear them, my face lights up. Today in the City walk mall, there was this piano guy playing old songs. He played 'pehla nasha' and i felt so nice. I couldn't stop gushing after that. I love looking at huge buildings, posh malls, modern infrastructure. Even though my emotions were (are?) in a turmoil, i felt on top of the world today. I romanticise driving home at night. The well lit roads, fast cars passing by (when there is no traffic off course), their beaming lights, the flyovers and the red lights, listening to the radio. Everything about driving home at night. I love the bright colours an the dull colours (well colours in general), and i love black and white too. I love Dilli Haat stuff, the bangles, the paintings, the ethnic jewellery. I love looking at couples as they walk hand in hand. I love looking at my friends blush as they talk to their someone special. I love long E-mails, and longer telephone conversations.
And no haven't lost my mind (as a lot of you males must be thinking, no offence) but i acknowledge the fact that i am filmy, and romantic. And i accept it and i don't think there is anything wrong in that (as opposed to what my boyfriend thinks). But today as realisation creeps in, i know that everyone may not agree with that and may not enjoy so much Romanticism. So I don't need to share it with anyone. I want to believe in that Utopia of the perfect world and i like day-dreaming. And at the same time i know what reality is. So from now on i will keep that romantic world to myself and wont expect people to fulfill my dreams because frankly they can't. Only I can do that because I know what these dreams mean to me. If Ajeeb Insaan doesn't believe in so much romance, its not his fault. I will stop telling him all that i feel. After all i feel it for myself and i willingly want to live in this utopia. Its my choice and i wont force it on others.
In fact I still long for that dream man who will adore me for being so 'insane' and will call me in the early hours of morning to hear my groggy sleepy voice, who will message me some nonsensical stuff everyday, who will buy me roses, who will not get tired of looking at me, who will share all his joys with me and not just the sorrows, who would listen to me endlessly when i talk stupid things and actually take interest in them just because they are important to me. I know guys like that don't exist (reality check) but i would like to believe that they do because i feel the romance as I wait for him (please add 'waiting' in my list!!)....


Ps- I want things to be less complicated from now on. So i will just stop demanding stuff from Ajeeb Insaan. Its not worth the effort. And also, I will not think of the future bacause thats something I cannot control. And I will just take a backseat for once instead of trying so hard because that doesnt always work, especially with this weird guy!!!