Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Writing makes things easier to follow!!!

I am not going to settle for anything less than perfect. As long as i can help it, i will go to any extent, push myself the hardest to reach what i think is perfect and the rest i will leave to that supernatural power i strongly believe in. If i cannot help it, i will do everything in my power to make it the way i want it to be. The bottom line is that i will not settle for anything less than perfect irrespective of what part of my life it is and where it stands in priority list. I will make sure that i take desperate measures to make things happen the way i want them to be. I know that's impossible but i know the extent of possibility and i will make sure it reaches that extent.

In a certain part of my life, i cannot seem to figure out the definition of 'perfect' but i do know what kind of attitude i require from 'people'. I know it is possible because i have experienced it before. The level of involvement that i have, if 'people' reach even half of that, I will be happy. Right now, in order to get that, I need to hold back my feelings, not say everything i want to, hold myself back. This method has two benefits. a) It may lead to 'people' realising my worth and start treating me and my feelings with more consideration. b) If none of that happens then i will need to get over certain habits and controlling my feelings from now on will help me more.

Problem is that this whole controlling my feelings (and myself) is proving to be a very tough job. I know i can do it because I've done it once before but i am just way too disoriented to make it happen. But I will from now on.

Cant understand a word? I don't blame you. I just had to write it for myself.... Writing makes things easier to follow.

Friday, September 26, 2008

I want to...

Listening to a weird laughter show on TV that my parents find very funny, I am contemplating so many things tonight. Random thoughts just keep cropping up. I just created an imaginary boyfriend for myself in my head who is all that i want. No, I am not saying that i am unhappy with what i have but yes i miss the romance. Stuff is clear with Telepathic bitch, and i am so glad it is. I cannot stop worrying about dance because its not going anywhere. Too many things happening in college, as in a lot of departmental fests and all and therefore practice is at an all time low. And this is like just 20 days before we leave for BITS, Pilani. Studies for a change are fine. Not great but fine.

Its just very hard to put down stuff in words. Probably because i am not great with words anyway. But yeah I am not feeling any strong emotion. Only a lot of small feelings that are confusing me in a way. I want a let out. I want to talk to someone. I want someone to talk to me. And someone who will remind me of the good life that i have, who will appreciate me and will tell me how pretty i am. I want it to rain, and i want to get wet in the rain. I want the breeze to blow my hair off my face. I want to stand in an open hall with that someone special watching me as i slowly start dancing. I want to sit on a Giantwheel and i want to see the lights below me. I want to eat cotton candy. I want to run as fast as i can. I want to get into a crowded bus. I want someone to tell me that i am different from the rest of the world. I want to feel mushy on the phone, I want to wear a sari, I want to scream my name out loud from my terrace... I just want to...

If you think its not all that difficult to do and i should go ahead and pick one of the things like running, screaming or wearing a sari to at least make me feel better... you certainly have not understood my problem. Even if I can do any of this, why don't i see myself doing it??? Why?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Good day, dissapointing evening!!!

Today was a nice day. I got my attendance marked as in whatever i missed because of practice. Not all teachers but its still so satisfying to know that i am not short on attendance abhi tak:). Also I wrote a class assignment for Achebe's Things Fall Apart. Although I did not know a lot of things but i still managed to fill 4 sides. And again i am very content. I need to do an assigment on Yeats now and another one on Sons and Lovers by Lawrence and I am through with the before vacation work. And that feels so amazing. This time i am totally going to submit the maximum assignments and get 'kick ass' marks in my internals. Yeah baby, KICK ASS!!!

Oh yesterday Pugsie wrote a very nice thing for me...YAY!! Its 'The Ode to Anu'

The Ode to Anu

like a wild deer

gone berserk in the rain

you leap with

inexplicable grace

throwing open your arm

to welcome an embrace

chattering excitedly

as feelings your

mood dictates

when happy or glum

an energy around

you hums

with shrieks and sounds

an aura loud

That's how you'll be

forever in my



Awwww... I love you for it. Especially because nobody before this has ever written a poem about me. And that too so amazing. I love the way you write.

Its evening. I am talking to Weird Girl right now. And I had forgotten her SPB show and she was very upset. She just told me how pissed she was. She says she is over it now but i feel so guilty. And i messaged her around that time that i am telling my parents that I'm going to meet her when i was meeting Ajeeb Insaan. She is talking normally now. In fact giving me advice on certain unmentionable topic. But i feel horrible for not being there when she wanted me to be. And those are rare times when she acknowledges that she wants you around.

One good day and a disappointing evening. Hmmm whatever... Assignments done but friends upset. Vaise i should be mentioning the argument with Telepathic Bitch as well but its too much to mention. She is so oversensitive. OVERSENSITIVE!!! Uff i cant reason with her at times. I just cannot. But Anyway...I guess i should just move on!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sunday Morning!!! hmmmm

I hate rigged competitions. IIT sucks man. Although we didn't deserve the first prize (SRCC deserved it), but we were definitely among the top three. And would you believe the results?? IIT-D came third, SRCC came second and the brilliant (i repeat 'BRILLIANT') IIT- Kanpur came first. They didn't even wear a proper costume for heaven's sake. They were taken into the finals after looking at their video as opposed to all of us performing in the prelims. You know what i strongly feel... I feel IIT got intimidated by us and ruined our CD and misled us into the theme thing. The coordinator was a sly guy!! hmmmm....I am over it now.

Going today to meet Ajeeb Insaan for a relaxing break. Meeting after two weeks and after today wont be meeting for another two. I hate to admit but i am already missing him. I want to make the most of today to last me for the next two weeks. Thinking of some *ahem* naughty things but don't know if I'll have the guts to carry out my elaborate 'in my mind' plans. He was very sweet on the phone last night. Affectionate to be precise. Poor guy is missing 'ghar ka khana' so i am taking some aloo ke paranthe for him today. Awwww!!! Yeah only I 'awww' at my so called relationship. And so does Awesome Dancer but her relationship is more 'awww' than mine.

Next week is going to be TOUGH!!! I need to catch up on everything i missed because of this stupid IIT. First and foremost i need to get my attendance marked. And then the assignments. Then i will need to worry about all the class work i have missed. FEELS LIKE SCHOOL!!!

Also i need to pull the strings where my first year dancers are concerned. They need to work very very very hard. And i barely have time to clean their moves individually. But I will manage somehow. Positive approach always works.

Mr. Ex called yesterday and i picked up because i did not recognise the number. The moment i recognised his voice i wanted to bang the phone on his face. Well i didn't. Although I told him that i have the urge to do it and i think my tone was horrible. But serves him right. Anyway so the call was all about how this problem in his academic life made him believe in God and karma and he wanted to apologise and blah blah blah (the same old story)... reminded me of the latest Yash Raj movie 'Bachna Aye Haseeno' ( Pugsie are you listening?). I don't think i hate anyone in this world except him. I could not believe a word he said, probably because I have done that mistake so many times before. I actually made fun of him after keeping the phone and that too without guilt. He might be telling the truth this time but I just cannot trust him ever. He just wanted me to hear him out and at the end i told him clearly that i don't believe him and that in case whatever he said is true, its good for him and i don't feel anything whatsoever. And the best part was that I actually didn't feel anything, not even sorry or sympathetic!

I love the rain. And it has been raining for quite some time in Delhi now. I hate the sticky weather that follows but I am totally in love with rain. Cant ever get enough of it. The raindrops, the green trees, the smell of earth when rain falls on it, the umbrellas, the thunder and lightening.... God its just too amazing. Fills me with joy, every time.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Cleared IIT prelims...HOOORRRAY!!!
The only girls team in the top 8. My god i am so freaked out. Oh god the other teams have so many people on stage at all times while we are just seven. I want to win badly. Okay if not win but at least leave a very strong impact!! uff! The theme round is soooo tough to execute. Its something totally different for us, this story depiction! But yeah we are trying our best. HMMMM
Lets hope we do well!

PS- Ajeeb Insaan has not found the time to talk to me properly from the past two days. Nice way to support, hai na??? Not that i need it but atleast u can show some concern! khhhhhh!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Cannot find a title suitable enough... like i said, 'Not Intellectual Enough'!

OH my god after centuries i talked to Best Fraand today. SO Happy! Although we talked about Gulab but it was fun:).. I have missed this so much that i cant even begin to explain. oh by the way...'gulab'!!! ho ha ha ha! But yeah *drool* also!

Anyway. Today Enigma 2ND years and i decided to throw a party for Sood's birthday surprize. Its an AMMMMAAZING plan. We shall kidnap her in college and drive straight to my place and then will drink till we drop. I know its kind of risky, booze at my place. But Dad isn't in town, and I've asked my mom to go to her friend's place. And the funniest part is that all this will happen in broad daylight. Actually most of them aren't allowed sleepovers and are most probable to get very high and lose control so we cannot go out either.... So broad daylight it is! Oh my god me is super duper happy and excited. And have been booze deprived for quite some time so even more excited!

I just realised that I've never got high ever. I have some capacity man! I can drink 5 shots of vodka and still not feel tipsy. I hate those girls who 'pretend' to get all high and keep falling on guys in a SINGLE SHOT. Oh for Pete's sake, stop trying to get attention. And these stupid girls actually think that guys will buy their shit crap drunk 'naatak'!! I actually know a girl who started pretending to be all high after eating rum cake. I mean even if she had said liqueur chocolates, i would have bought it, but rum cake? And the best part of all this was that she actually was getting a lot of attention but that wasn't because she was apparently 'high'. It was because of her low cut neck and her glitter smeared boobs! HAR HAR!

Soooooo. Booze party is totally on. And tomorrow is IIT's preliminary round. Freaked out. Just imagine not clearing the prelims. That will be humiliating! I know we are good but the point is that it has been long. We will performing Full On after a long time. Anyway I shall not think about it. I am just going to go there and give it all. Hmmmm..... Anxious. Apprehensive. Hopeful?? Trying to be positive...

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Tired....and hence the pointers....

- I love Delhi. I know its a horrible place for many, people are very selfish, mean, the civic sense sucks....blah blah blah! But i still love the place. I don't see myself living elsewhere ever. I love the infrastructure both old and new. I love the metro, the flyovers, the expressways, the old broken forts, everything. The buses, the autos, the cars, traffic jams! Dhaula kuan, Bhikaji Cama palace (i love saying that name, sounds exotic to me), Najafgarh, Vasant Kunj, CP, Karol bagh, Pitampura (yeah NCR), Chandni Chowk, GK....Uff everything.... I so belong here. I love the 'selfish' people also. At least they don't interfere in what i do and what i want. The population here is on the extremes, from the extremely POSH PUNJABIS to the absolute slum workers, the contrast is magnificent. *sigh* *falls in love with it all over again*

- It takes two smart girls and 5 dumb guys to understand how to rip a CD on a windows media player. Actually i am being a sexist here because the so called 'dumb' guys were the ones who told us what to do. so its basically two 'dumb girls'...but we will call ourselves tech illiterate...that's more fancy and less embarrassing.... :)

- IIT in two days. Fuck I am scared. Scared to lose. That's my another quality, I hate losing ( sarcasm pours). And my brilliant dad before leaving for Mauritius has changed the audio format of our PC leading to everything sounding SLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWW!!!! And i don't have the music editor (audacity rocks) on my laptop. So basically I am stuck. Frustration follows incapability to finish work.

- Ajeeb Insaan has to learn to miss me. And I have to learn to stop calling him. So no more. Will only talk when he calls. So what if he has no balance, GO GET A TOP UP DUDE instead of wasting money on the 100Th pair of branded jeans and the 3rd weird tattoo( my boyfriend is an art file). SOOOOO from this second onwards no calls... Hell i just promised him that i will call in 15 mins... But NO!!! i shall not! hmmmmm

- Read Best Fraand's blog today and hello...I am there like 15 blogs before the latest one. Cruelty continues. Less indifference but I hate to admit that i don't think i make a lot of difference in her life anymore. Hate this. I hate not existing in people's life!!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Terrifying Terrorism!!

Okay terrorism is scary. I know they say that you shouldn't get terrorised in a time of crisis because that's exactly what 'they' want but still it IS so freaky. Imagine sitting in a park, or walking on the road and suddenly you are blown away by a bomb blast. Or even worse, someone you love suffers. Five serial blasts in Delhi today, and three of them in GK. That's so close to my college that i cannot even pretend to not be affected. So many people i know live in GK. And in CP. Its so scary. What do these terrorists get by killing innocent people. If you are not happy with the government, kill the person responsible for your distress. Actually don't kill anyone at all. But i don't understand why they take innocent lives who aren't even at fault. What sought of justice is making those people suffer who are trying to make their lives happy and are not involved in anything to do with dirty politics. Is this the only way of bringing a country to its knees. What these terrorists don't understand is that people who are probably responsible for their sufferings aren't even bothered about all these innocent people who die. Think of the number of families which are ruined because of a mere act of revenge.

Sometimes I think what will happen if I die a sudden death like this. I want to live to see so many things. I want to dance and sing and laugh. I want to know what kind of job I'll do and what kind of salary i will earn. I want to live to see the progress that our city makes, to see the new flyovers and the expressways. I want to see winters again because i haven't seen them enough yet. I want to feel the raindrops on face as i walk on the empty roads of my campus. No i need to live to experience so many things. I want to experience true love. I want to see the beautiful castles in Europe, and the old forts of Rajasthan. I want to swim in the sea once more. No i cannot die so soon. I just want to live at least till the time my body gives up. I don't wish to leave this world with a sense of emptiness in my heart.

And what if someone i love is killed? Will I ever be able to get out of the trauma? No I wont. There will be huge hole in my heart that will never get occupied. Ajeeb insaan asked me the other night what i will do if he dies. Its a thought that i don't even wish to acknowledge. I wont even have the right to lament if something like that ever happens. Technically I am nobody in his life as the society sees it. I won't be even permitted a last glance of his face. And what if one of my parents suffer? Once i dreamt of my father's death and I was depressed for the whole week. Although I didn't see him dying but i saw his last words to me written in his lovely handwriting(that i will always love) on a burning piece of paper. I became so sensitive after this dream that I cried on every small bad news that i heard. I still have that image so fresh in my mind that i get gooseflesh everytime i remember it.
Or what if it is one of my friends? I will be shattered to the limit of madness. I don't even know if i would be able to cry.

Why do people kill like this? Why do they make people like us suffer so badly?
I guess staying positive is THE only way to deal with all this. Violet Flame please protect the ones i love from all these mishaps. In fact just stop these mishaps. But even if they do happen, please protect my loved ones.

Wishing for a peaceful world.....

Friday, September 12, 2008

Human mind isnt confusing??? THINK AGAIN!

The first competition of the season is coming up. And it will the first time we will perform in IIT. God i am so anxious. I just want to do well so badly. I know i should look at the fun aspect of it all but i am kind of scared. Especially because i have no experience of such a large stage, and because i really want to leave a good impression on the first years, and i just want to win....everywhere. And losing IIT will be like losing the first competition of the year. I know we are doing the old piece but that should work in our favour since we have it rehearsed and ready...

UFF!! I just want things to work out...and i just want it to be a lot of fun also. Especially because Awesome dancer has her important NIIT presentation the same day and she is going to be late and therefore there might be a little chaos. Although I know the competition wont start on time and we will take the last slot. But still all this adds to the anxiety.

Okay apart from the IIT anxiety, the ajeeb insaan part of life isn't very cool either. Its perfect on surface but i miss something inside. I see myself getting more and more attached and therefore i feel clingy. He is still the same, wants his sleep, is busy with work, giving attention to friends, doesn't know how to react when i tell him all this, kind of self-obsessive... But all of this leads me to try harder to control my feelings and feel even more out of control. I feel vulnerable and gullible. He is responsible in a way too because of the way he behaves at times, for example going a bit too far in teasing me and then showing how much better it makes him feel. I have heard of sadistic pleasures par itna??? And then him telling me how i don't know how to do certain things. Although he made sure that he said it very lightly and then moved on to tell me how nice i am but i don't know. Yesterday he actually snapped at me twice and worst part of it was that i reacted to it. I know him inside out and i know how he behaves when he is a little tired or frustrated and in a way i see it as my problem that i feel bad about it. Its not right to expect things and that's exactly what i end up doing. Its a weird problem so i cant really come up with a solution and that adds to the irritation. I am thinking of taking a week's break from talking to him. But I want him to miss me badly when that happens and if he doesn't (he'll miss me but not 'badly' enough), then i will be more irritated so i dont want to risk it. There are a certain things i badly want him to do, like buying me gift a without telling me, surprising me with a kiss, holding me from behind, NOT feeling sleepy all night only because he wants to talk to me, give me a rose, get me chocolates and a lot of other private things. Its so foolish thinking of all this because its like expecting stuff and very cheesy romantic stuff which is a little difficult in a relationship which has lasted this long(4.5 years on and off)!!! Anyway.... i guess i will just leave it there... i cant do anything about it!

So anxiety and irritation....does that mean moody and frustrated me??? Actually not. I feel good most of the time as long as i am not thinking about these things. I think I cant wait for the next week to get over. IIT will be out of the 'worry list' and i will find out how badly Ajeeb insaan wants to meet me, and certain other things which will help me realise if i need to take a break or not and if i do how long will it be.

So weird...all this! I dont even know what to think and how to feel. Especially when i want to keep these two thoughts out of my mind, and also because they keep popping right back!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My driving force!

I love it when things start taking shape and hard work starts showing. Today was the first fruitful full day practice. I am so tired but so content. Although we only did the first song but it was totally worth it. God i cant believe i love dancing so much.And more than dance its compiling a whole dance piece with formations, choreography, stunts, lifts....Its just AMAZING! And these DU dance competitions are worth all the hard work we put in. There is so much to look forward to. Each Dance Team has their own style and each choreographer has a distinct taste. Ours being the only team which is choreographed by students (ahem ahem, thank you), the pressure is so high. I have to depend on my own perception of what will work and what wont.One cant really say what this stupid DU crowd will like and what they wont understand.

UFF i cant wait to go to Pilani and start performing again. Its my last year and i want to make the most of it. I will give it all i have. God knows when i will be able to Dance like THIS again!!! I know i wont ever stop dancing but handling a team, looking at people dancing to what you have taught them, the high of being on stage and competing, team spirit, anxiety, results...GOD i am gonna really miss all this.

But I guess I will have to move on. And move on to better things. and learn so much more. And do so much more. But one thing is for sure that i will miss Enigma like crazy. Its like my baby and I will have to leave it in other people's hands and go. I generally don't think of all this but today after seeing our growth from my first year, I don't want to leave it ever. But that cant really happen.....

hmmmm..... I love my dance team!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Warning:Alienate yourself while you read in order to avoid after effects!

This book that i finished reading yesterday makes me wanna never think of marriage. The book was 'How to Kill your Husband?', a chic-lit about three middle aged women, their marital problems, their husbands and their mid life crisis (wtf is that?) and a lot of Sex!!! I was reading it for fun and to take a brake from Lawrence (Sons and Lovers) and Gordimer (My Son's Story) and it was in a way worth the 250 bucks i spent on it. But it totally freaked me out about this whole marriage thing. I mean men can never be ready for commitment. They can never be precise about the way they feel and just cannot accept their mistakes. They just want to always believe that things will get better on their own and all they need to do is to live on impulse. I know i am generalising but hello that IS the truth in maximum cases. And yes how they are such horrid escapists! They just want to live with their heads buried in the sand! And they want to believe that the world runs the way they want it to. And they are such boastful idiots. All they care about is themselves, their lives, their jobs, their issues, their problems (no matter how trivial they are), their family, their own little pathetic universe. The book had a very western context but i can see it happening in India very soon.

To top it all reading Ibsen plays ('Ghosts' and 'A Doll's House') has freaked me out even more. The absurdity of marriage, the futility of a man-woman relationship. I don't completely blame men but if a woman is ready for so many compromises and is willing to adjust why cant men just deal with their ego and learn to be a little more considerate. There is a way of dealing with everything but the problem with the male sex is that they don't want to 'deal' with anything. It takes a miracle to change what a man thinks, a second sun to change his beliefs (irrespective of how silly they are!)

Although Ajeeb Insaan has changed a lot but his basic instincts are the same. I have learnt to deal with them over the period of time. I cant change him and i don't want to live in the world of false hopes, so i have altered my behaviour towards him. And THAT led him to be more considerate only because i think somewhere he realised that something was weird about the change in my behaviour. I am not complaining or anything because i love spending time with him. But i saw so much of 'US' in the female protagonist of that stupid book that i am freaked out. The 'husband' was exactly like Ajeeb insaan, only much more exaggerated. But then a chic-lit is supposed to be exaggerated.

Uff...all this is too much for me to handle, so i am going to behave like a man and ignore all these weird thoughts relating to marriage and just 'bury my head in the sand'. I can afford to do that because its way too early for me to put myself in a similar scenario. But HELL i still acknowledge the fact that i AM freaked out. I don't want to believe that marriage is hard to handle. I know that i will someday face the question of spending my remaining life 'with a boy' and i just don't want that day to come, EVER! I am embarrassed that i have dreamt of a happy, settled, perfect bollywood married life a lot of times, and that I have told myself that 'all girls dream of all this'.

And i do wish to add a disclaimer in the end that this has got nothing to do with the way i feel about Ajeeb Insaan! This is nothing but a let out, an after effect!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Moody...but happy! Weird... but content!

Arey this is so weird! I really Don't know how i feel. Its sooooo goddamn weird. Ajeeb Insaan makes things so much more confusing. And i don't know what to trust and what not to believe. So weird. He makes me vulnerable with his 'oh I am so nice' attitude and i cant seem to do anything about it. I cant really say how much of whatever he says is worth relying on. For example, the cute 'humara ghar' story last night. Now any girl who loves bollywood and corny lines would love to hear all that. But also the way he makes me feel that i am the only one dying to meet/talk to him. But i guess that's not really intentional. So because i am someone who wants to be happy and is willing to forget anything in order to do so (yess i HATE sulking..big time), i am choosing to neglect (with all my senses completely aware) those small trivial things like getting late etc. But yesterday i swore to myself that i am not going to (under any circumstances) initiate a meeting ( i want to call them 'dates', but with so many friends around us its hard to do that). Being mysterious and indifferent works with guys (at least it does with my guy). All you need to do is never react in a way he expects you to. And there you go, your guy is all 'ga ga' over you!!! And the best part is that its a method that i have successfully learnt from my own meandering experiences. Ever wondered why a guy always wants to get back with you the moment you are over him? That's not only because of his male ego (though that is one of the biggest reasons) but also because, at that point he is not able to understand you and that's something guys cannot handle. They like to live in denial, yes. But still they always like to believe that they know their girl/exes inside out.

Ajeeb insaan is no different. He couldn't get enough of me when i couldn't stand him and now when i want to be near him all the time he is kind of weird..."busy" as he likes to call it but 'casual' as i like to perceive it. The guy needs danger of losing me to keep him ticking. So basically a little control over my feelings and i call the shots here..... Uff look at me all geared up and all. What to do! I am a romantic and i need my love life to be interesting at all times (except when i don't have one)....

But yeah things are very sweet otherwise. I love my life! And today Best fraand actually was in such a good mood that i can see the old days coming back again. That is to say the 'phase' is over (hopefully its not temporary). She actually asked voluntarily about ajeeb insaan. GOD just the person i wanted to tell stuff. I was careful with whatever i said but yeah i also realised how much i missed telling her everything. We only talked for about 45 mins but i was so happy that i am beaming with joy. I will always need a reliable (girl) friend to talk to and i realise how moody i become when i don't get that:)....

So basically i am khush.... a little irritated and moody at times, but Khush on a whole!

PS- 'Khush' as in happy for the benefit of the firangi lot!
PS2- So glad Ajeeb Insaan is not into blogging or reading blogs.....makes it so much easier to write the truths!!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Life is an amalgamation of various emotions...

Today i realise how we go through so many emotions in a whole lifetime. In fact even in a single day u can feel so many different things. Generally you have 'happy days' and 'sad days' but a perfectly normal day can have so many progressions of so many thoughts and feelings and emotions.

Today morning i was feeling normal like everyone feels, sleepy and not willing to work. Like i said, Normal! I reached college and the first person to meet me was Best Fraand. I felt a hollow in the pit of my stomach as i remembered the beautiful time we spent last year. Attending classes made me happy about being able to understand so many things that i once never cared about (and yes i do pay attention to lectures these days). I felt a warm affection when i met cute froggy and was actually relieved because she is someone i rely on when pugsie and best fraand decide to be all analytical and ignore the universe around them (they do that a lot, although i know that its unintentional). Later in the day we talked about the movie for the lit. fest on 'Female Gaze' and i felt smart and able. And then the Dance practice? I'll have to say , smart-er and able-er!!! I realised how wonderful i feel when i see girls dancing my choreography and i can see them growing as dancers, and as individuals. Its beautiful what i create in those small hours of my day.

Evening comes and i miss Ajeeb Insaan. Night falls and i call him. And i get to hear stuff like "why are you acting like a typical girl?"... HELLO? in case you haven't realised yer... i Am a girl. And there is no such thing as 'typical' when it comes to girls (trust me on that). Anyway so i am all upset and irritated and i want him to apologize and all i get is a sleepy loser who says 'goodnight' in his sugar coated voice after he has irritated the shit out of me. I will never understand boys. I always am readily available in his time of need be it anything and he is just never there. Okay i am exaggerating a lot because these days he is very nice but i don't need to think about that right now because i am upset with him. He cannot sweet talk his way out of everything. But yeah he does try a lot!

And once i had told him off and made him super upset, i was all guilty for things which were right.
We girls are weird creatures. We cant really understand what we want but hell yeah that's how we are and the world needs to deal with it!!!

SO basically i can feel normal, smart, loved, affectionate, irritated, beautiful, lousy and guilty all in the same day. My god that's something!

Thursday, September 4, 2008


God I am so pissed with Best Fraand that its crazy. She is nice to everyone but me these days. I can understand that there is a lot of pressure on her and she is very tensed and all but why is she ignoring me like this.

Its horrible. And she is constantly acting weird. She is not bothered about my life anymore and doesnt bother to tell me about hers. and i know she talks to pugsie about 'things', and her other friend A and smart class chic. Its just me who she ignores. I was so used to being around her that its almost crazy. She is never there anymore and treats me like a wall when i am around. I hate this. I never crib about friends moving away but this one is so sudden that i cant handle it.Its as if she has found substitutes for our friendship in other people.

And its not as if i havent talked to her about this. I have! and she made it clear that it is just a phase and that my being wid Ajeeb Insaan has nothing to do with it. And she also said that nothing will change between us just because she dissaproves of him. She just doesnt want to talk about him. So i stopped telling her stuff. Atleast the trivial things. But the other day in the library when i tried telling her about the 'change' she just started talking about some book. It was like she was there but not really there!

I hate this!! Her changing SO drastically. i can only hope that this 'phase' gets over soon. Else i will have no option but to get used to it.

I feel so weird about all this that i actually changed her name in my phone from Best Fraand to her real name. I dont think I know her any more and how can a stranger be my best friend??

Miss u so much babe....miss being with u!