Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fleeting message....

Off to Darjeeling......

Goodbye all.
I shall be off for a week and then i will update...:)

Super excited. And very happy.

Love. Miss me Delhi. I will try to miss you. I can't guarantee... ;)

PS- Last post....not to be taken seriously. Was an emotional outburst.
PPS- the art of cooking is not alien to me anymore. Woo hooo!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Of drunk nights or two!

A drunk guy apologizing profusely, his messages talking of his lies in the night doesn't make up for a very happy morning. And especially when you know that the next few days are unavoidable and cannot be escaped. You can't go in your 'shell' and you can't even live with it...

It is nothing too drastic. There was nothing too severe in the messages, nothing worse than what has happened already. But when the guy loves you like never before and you know its because of the alcohol, it sucks. Waking up in the morning sucks. The words he whispered in your ears as he hugged you close which seemed so real then, now haunt the living daylights out of you. I didn't ever think I was capable of such a complex emotion but guess what, I was wrong.

And all this but I still want to be the same. The same with him. I still feel what I did before. I accept it as a part of him and THAT is weird. The memory of a walk in the cold night is still happy enough to make me forget all the absurdity. The good continues to overpower the ugly.

And after all its ugly only by the virtue of the conventional norms of the society.

The morning is then, not all that bad.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

NOT knowing what 'love' is...

Apparently I have never fallen in love till now.
Whatever has happened was merely an 'anticipation' of what I want love to be like.

I will know it when it happens. Thats what I have been told. So Ajeeb Insaan was just convenience? Or maybe a habit. I don't know what he was because I am absolutely disgusted even at the thought of him. And that cannot be love right? You don't get disgusted by people you love or you once loved. You accept them with their faults and you love them eternally. Right?

But that has clearly not happened.

And Capricorn Boy....
Well he is someone I really care about. And I have these feelings for him that I don't understand. I accept him and it feels right around him. I am myself around him and I don't need to fake my emotions ever.
I know its something. But I don't want to jump to a conclusion of calling it 'love'. Because I can't tell for sure. And if he doesn't feel it, I can't risk being in love with someone and knowing its futile. So even if it is love, I don't want to acknowledge it.

Basically I can't tell.

And maybe that's the right thing. :)

PS- Happy Birthday Best Fraand! I love you...

Friday, November 20, 2009

I will ignore these feelings till I can...
If it is meant to be then it will happen no matter what.

And when I cannot ignore them any further, I don't know what I will do.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Reason...

Will someone please sing this song for me someday??


I like believing that someone someday will. And will really mean it.
Even if no one ever does.... I still love the song. Especially the melody.

I know its very cheesy but hey, I like cheesy romantic things!

PS- Don't watch the video. Just hear the song.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

When you asked me 'why?'

You asked me 'why?'
And when I asked you 'why?', you said 'har why, kyu aur kaiku ka jawab nahi hota.' You know I seriously don't remember what movie this dialogue is from.
But to get back to your question... Why?
Why do I want to talk to you?
Why do I want to spend time with you?
You seriously want me to answer these questions? You and I both know that you don't want to hear the answer. We both know that you are not ready. Or maybe not willing.
Seriously... Are you not willing? Does it bother you that much that you can't face the truth?
But tell me, do you even know WHAT you feel deep within yourself?

Sometimes I think that I am looking into this way too much. That all these feelings that I presume don't even exist for you. But then I think of all those times when I looked into those expressive eyes of yours. You might be a great actor but what I saw in them was not something I imagined.Not being able to read your eyes doesn't mean that I am blind to what I see in them.

Is it so hard to actually say what you feel? Is it that hard to look into yourself and bring out those inner feelings which I know exist even if they are negligible.

Actually don't tell me what you feel. If you don't feel what I think you do, it will hurt really bad. Let me live in my happy world of belief and let me feel free to stare at those magnetic eyes whenever I can. I don't want to know what you don't want to tell me. It only makes sense when you will find it hard enough to keep it within yourself. When you will put your feelings into words, it should be your own will, your desire to see my reaction.

I can never forget that night when you told me the unthinkable in front of my house. I remember each and every thing that you ever said to me, each time you looked at me thinking that I am unaware, every little thing that you did for me and the way you were always there for me. I know you try real hard to not let me know but trust me I notice. I don't tell you because I am scared of you making better efforts to hide these small things.

You always bring a smile to my face. And whenever there is that tear in my eye, its because maybe deep down I have learnt that someone out there cares enough to wipe it for me.

And even after this long analysis, I don't have an answer to your question. That's because you already know my answer...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Maybe this is how it was meant to be.

I am unusually content with the way things with Capricorn Boy are going. Its actually not going anywhere and that's what I like about this. Its slow now as opposed to how it started. He is the same. And I don't know how exactly he feels. But I know that he feels something. He acknowledges it. And that is surprisingly okay with me. I am in control of my emotions when it comes to him. There are no desperate calls, no arguments, no insecurities, nothing. And I like that.

I still wish I knew what he feels. But I have come to terms with the fact that he will never tell me. That's how he is. I hope that someday he will but I don't expect it. And finally I know what the difference between hoping and expecting is. Just because I like to think about him doesn't make it an obligation for him to do the same.

When this started out, I found a problem with so many things that he did or said. But now, I don't. I find them cute now. All these days when he wasn't around, I missed him. But there was no compulsive craving for his calls or his attention. That felt nice. I was happy missing him. Oho this romance never dies...does it?

Even his horrible jokes which should make me jealous are acceptable now. I can handle his occasional nasty mean behavior. And after a while, I find it amusing. Only God knows what this boy thinks. And I am happy that at least God does. I have no inclination to go out of my way to 'de-mystify' him. I want to learn as and when it's meant to be. The bottom line is that I know he is good at heart and he will never hurt me knowingly. And that's sufficient.

I am looking forward to the 'trip'. And just that. No imagining or day dreaming about what may or may not happen.


PS- I lost the Gleaming Accessory. I guess it was never meant to be mine. The sad part is that I couldn't sell it and get some cash in return. ;)
PPS- Read this.

Sunday, November 8, 2009





I will never understand them. I will never get what they feel. I will never make sense out of their logic. So i will just give up.


Monday, November 2, 2009

I ran!

And I ran.
With the breeze, like the breeze.
I ran without a care in the world. I ran without thinking. I ran laughing, screaming,. I ran for the pure joy of running. No boundaries. No notion.

I even fell. On a huge pile of mud. Got my clothes dirty but I did't care. I got up and continued.

It felt amazing.
Teary eyed because of the chill in the air. Teary eyed because of the warmth of my heart. I ran as the child in me woke up. Probably she was looking for ways to come outside. She was sick and tired of being held back. She hated it.

I wanted to run even after my body gave in. I could have gone on. I wanted to go on. I miss those days when I didn't get tired. When Grassy fields and dusty roads were my playground. I miss those crazy friends. I miss that football and that cricket bat. That swing, that slide.