The first competition of the season is coming up. And it will the first time we will perform in IIT. God i am so anxious. I just want to do well so badly. I know i should look at the fun aspect of it all but i am kind of scared. Especially because i have no experience of such a large stage, and because i really want to leave a good impression on the first years, and i just want to win....everywhere. And losing IIT will be like losing the first competition of the year. I know we are doing the old piece but that should work in our favour since we have it rehearsed and ready...
UFF!! I just want things to work out...and i just want it to be a lot of fun also. Especially because Awesome dancer has her important NIIT presentation the same day and she is going to be late and therefore there might be a little chaos. Although I know the competition wont start on time and we will take the last slot. But still all this adds to the anxiety.
Okay apart from the IIT anxiety, the ajeeb insaan part of life isn't very cool either. Its perfect on surface but i miss something inside. I see myself getting more and more attached and therefore i feel clingy. He is still the same, wants his sleep, is busy with work, giving attention to friends, doesn't know how to react when i tell him all this, kind of self-obsessive... But all of this leads me to try harder to control my feelings and feel even more out of control. I feel vulnerable and gullible. He is responsible in a way too because of the way he behaves at times, for example going a bit too far in teasing me and then showing how much better it makes him feel. I have heard of sadistic pleasures par itna??? And then him telling me how i don't know how to do certain things. Although he made sure that he said it very lightly and then moved on to tell me how nice i am but i don't know. Yesterday he actually snapped at me twice and worst part of it was that i reacted to it. I know him inside out and i know how he behaves when he is a little tired or frustrated and in a way i see it as my problem that i feel bad about it. Its not right to expect things and that's exactly what i end up doing. Its a weird problem so i cant really come up with a solution and that adds to the irritation. I am thinking of taking a week's break from talking to him. But I want him to miss me badly when that happens and if he doesn't (he'll miss me but not 'badly' enough), then i will be more irritated so i dont want to risk it. There are a certain things i badly want him to do, like buying me gift a without telling me, surprising me with a kiss, holding me from behind, NOT feeling sleepy all night only because he wants to talk to me, give me a rose, get me chocolates and a lot of other private things. Its so foolish thinking of all this because its like expecting stuff and very cheesy romantic stuff which is a little difficult in a relationship which has lasted this long(4.5 years on and off)!!! Anyway.... i guess i will just leave it there... i cant do anything about it!
So anxiety and irritation....does that mean moody and frustrated me??? Actually not. I feel good most of the time as long as i am not thinking about these things. I think I cant wait for the next week to get over. IIT will be out of the 'worry list' and i will find out how badly Ajeeb insaan wants to meet me, and certain other things which will help me realise if i need to take a break or not and if i do how long will it be.
So weird...all this! I dont even know what to think and how to feel. Especially when i want to keep these two thoughts out of my mind, and also because they keep popping right back!