Friday, November 29, 2013

Solitary Reaper?

Hey There.
I know I know.
I cheat on you with Dancing but I can't pick one you see. Like a lost lover I keep coming back and like an awesome friend you keep accepting me. Once more I wait at your door with my miserable head bursting with crazy over thought and yet somehow very real issues (in search for a better word).

Chalo let us reflect once on this life. It is perfect right? It makes sense. I love doing what I do and I love being who I am. Then why these pangs of unwelcome solitary feelings? I know I know, I am to be grateful for what I have and trust me you I truly feel blessed. My work is my thrill, my adventure and my life. It is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I smile all the time. My relationship is nothing short of Perfect. It keeps me going and keeps me warm and fuzzy.

Then what is this? This little void of sorts?

The missing thing that I realised as I watched back to back episodes of a very popular TV series, is extremely simple but has been my validation, my safety blanket for the longest time.
You know what they say right? If a guy meets his perfect girl he doesn't need anyone else. But a girl will always need her girlfriends. It is an emotional need for us to have our pack, our girls who just get us. And I understand why too. We need someone as neurotic, as over analytical and as patient as us who will just say that this world can get lost as long as I am here to hold your hand. Someone who does not limit their emotional ranges and are not trying to make us limit ours. Someone who doesn't need to be told why we want to stay in bed all day long and yet have them pull us out and drag us to lunch. Someone who just knows it all but doesn't constantly shove it in our faces.

And I have had that. I have had that all my growing up years. I have had the people who would just listen, analyse and go crazy with me asking the same questions and not knowing any answers, who would just take the little fragment that has been itching my brain and talk about it over and over again till it just becomes nothing and disappears. You know those who just validate everything that I do, those who even appreciate my wrongdoings in a way that is just impossible for the world to get. Those who make every little display of far fetched talent an amazing victory. The reason why I set out to do what I am doing in the first place.

We women are a self involved race. We love us. But when it comes to girlfriends, sometimes we leave our own vanity behind and put them on the pedestal because hello? Someone should. With depleting emotional cords of Romantic Love, girlfriends are what have helped us sustain this big bad world.

Well I don't know to what end this entire analogy is headed. I still can't accept it.
Last night as I lay in bed and watched that wretched TV series, I wondered what I did wrong. I wondered where I faltered.

I look at those who have it, those who just fit with each other like puzzle pieces and I tell myself over and over again that I am at my best when left alone to win my feats.

I am not sure what I want or what I think or what I mean. This entire feeling, I haven't thought about it much. In fact shoved it in the corner of my head as much as I could. But that is the exact point of contention isn't it? I am blabbering I know. But I think I am allowed to. I don't know for sure anymore. It is a limbo of sorts because this entire feeling shouldn't even exist.

"But I don't need therapy, I have you guys" 
- Carrie Bradshaw