Thursday, January 7, 2016


What I seek is peace. Always have.
Now, I also seek the truth. 

The truth is contradictory to commitment. It is harsh but it is true. Eventually the truth is what matters. Everyone has to let go of all that they depend on, someday or the other, in order to respect the truth.

Does truth bring peace? I don't know yet. I will find out soon.

On a completely different tangent, cool air and scented breeze. Complete bliss.
Day dreaming and the works,


Friday, January 1, 2016


Why do my ears ring in silence?
I think it is because they are too used to the noise around all the time. I am too. Noise and Chaos are such a huge part of my life, I love them.

I read somewhere that everyone can find peace in solitude and silence. We should be like Krishna who urges you to find it in the middle of Kurukshetra.

Running around my mind are a million thoughts. This is the first time in a long time I feel less satisfied and very very restless. Kurukshetra awaits me it seems but I just don't know how to reach it. What if I lose my track and never make it to the war? Instead I end up somewhere else, some far away land where they don't even know about the war. I sound like an Ostrich right now. A pretty Ostrich but an escapist nonetheless.

I usually tame the bull by it's horn. Usually. This time the bull is emitting fire. Dragon Bull!

I want to clean up my room but somehow I don't.

Today I purposely bunked dance class. I never bunk class but today I did. Almost as if the reason I go at all is him. I would've gone for a different class you know, and I almost did also. But today I just needed me to be not me and be someone else. I am trying on my sister's garb in the first half of the day and will resume my own at around 3.

PS- Must move out Next month. Somehow it will happen.
I am doing it. Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Me and my new cat. 


What? Is it 2016 already?
I have not written on this for so long I think I have forgotten what it feels like to be able to write a blog and have people read it and react to it. I have become what I think should be called a Secretive Writer.
And I am actually going back to my sentences and judging them. I may have deteriorated over time. I may have become more of an impulse writer. Less coherent, more candid.

What is funny is that today I feel so restless that I have decided to do everything in my power to get rid of my madness. This blog is a result of madness too. I am not the person who voluntarily pulls on her own hair anymore (thank god) and I know what anxiety feels like. This is not that.

I have this feeling that my entire being is heading towards some great event but I, for the love of god have no idea what it is.

I am being me and labeling it as an existential crisis.

I am so jittery all the time and only very few things can calm me down. It is so random, so arbitrary that I cannot put my finger on what this is the result of. Clearly distractions are not working and neither is eating junk (that is in fact a good thing).

Having said that, I think I am going to make some drastic life alterations.
Let us see if I can.

PS: I think I will get a cat this year.