Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Arey abhi to hum chhotey bachche the???
Then what happened?
I don't know. What happened to You? I am the same. I laugh, I cry, I love and I hate with the same intensity as that of a child. Only now I don't go out to play kho-kho or chain in the evening. But that's purely because there is no one to play with. Everyone else is not caught up in a time warp like me and everyone has moved on. Most of them have bothered to grow up as well.
I wonder why though.
I love my time warp. Or I should say Time Wrap. You see it envelops me and warms me and keeps the cold out and helps me to not fall sick. It is what my mum tucks me into at night when its cold and alone. It is what I use to cover myself when cough has settled in my chest.
Abhi kya hua na...that I lost all sense of being a strong person. I lost all my super awesome confidence. I became sad. But my Time Wrap put me off to sleep. It gave me pretty dreams of days I cherish. it reminded me that there will be lots more. So if today I did not understand anything in my accountancy class, it is OK because tomorrow there is a double period. It explained that I may get too bored tomorrow and not make an effort to understand but then there will be another day, and the day after that, till final exams arrive and I will study through nights and will finally pass. Maybe with flying colors.
It reminded me that I don't wake up everyday Just for an accountancy class. It is Important, very important, and I know that. I know I will have to one day pick up my books and study very hard in order to get through. But it still is not the whole essence of my being. Not my entire day's worth. No it isn't. It is merely a paper I have to clear..
It made me dream about those who love me and believe in me.
And then I woke up, hugged my wrap and wanted to sleep again. But there was a long email waiting to be answered. An old friend waiting for lunch. A chore that needs me to finish it before I do the others. Some food to be eaten and some songs to dance on...
...a lot of mud to be played with and to be enjoyed. Lots of dirty fingernails, and a lot of light on my face.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
My New blog got virus and stupid mails started flooding my inbox. Even though there was not much that I lost but still.
Anyway so I feel defeated. Yes yes that's the reason for me to be here. I USE writing as a let out. deal with it!!
So going back to being defeated. Well once upon a time we used worry about broken hearts and romances. But now, we need money to survive. We are out in the world, alone. And we don't want to be supported by others. If I want those ZARA heels, I want them from my own accomplishments. I want them FOR my own accomplishments.
But unfortunately I am Jobless these days. And it is my fault. Well actually the fault of being indecisive but mine nonetheless.
All those years I wanted to be a dancer. Dance was life. And then I was convinced otherwise. I was told that dancing won't fill my bank account.
So I went ahead and finished my P.G. And met the most amazing person in my life. I was convinced that being around him was all that I wanted. He wanted to be an entrepreneur and he convinced me that I will be happy being one too. And I was Happy being one. It gave me a sense of being. It defined my strengths. It was meant to be. I was happy to be building something to call my own.
And then some more lessons and wrong turns later I am back to square one. I am unemployed. All those years people convinced me that I was meant to be Big in my life. And now I don't have a penny to call my own. I am looking for a job which once I convinced myself was not meant to be for me. Working with the wrong kind of people made me doubt my capabilities to no end. And now I just feel like a big fat nobody. I want a job but I don't know what I want to be. Nothing drives my passion anymore. For the first time in my life, I have bigger problems than a sordid love affair. I feel small. I feel neglected. I feel 'not good enough'. And the more I admit the more I want to cry...
Congratulations blogosphere! You get to be the first one to hear me accept my true feelings. To witness the first time I am talking about how I really feel. This is probably the last time you will see me feel so weak but that's my story for now! I never have and I never will build a facade around my life and that's what I was trying to do for some time now. No wonder I am unhappy.
Guess what? It wasn't just the virus infected blog. It was my virus infected life!