Monday, October 6, 2008

Miserable me:(

Okay I haven't felt so miserable in a long time. And the only reason why i am so miserable is because i feel helpless. There is just nothing that i can do to alter my present situation except letting it pass. And I cannot stand not being able to 'help it'.

Parents going mad. They are freaked out about my career an my future and me not going anywhere, and the only reason they can find for all this is because i am still dancing. They do not understand that if i stop dancing, i wont be able to concentrate on whatever 'little' i am doing right now ('little' according to them). I am going to stop dancing after December anyway, and I am spending a lot of time studying. Okay probably not as much as I should be but enough to at least get a decent score in internals. The only reason my aggregate sucks is because of my internals and that's because i have never bothered about them much *slaps self*. But now i have realised my mistake and its a Herculean task explaining this to my parents. They just don't understand. So i have adopted the ignore-them-but-pretend-to-study policy. They need to 'see' me studying to believe that i actually am. Otherwise i generally am a library person. And my Dad' favourite past time these days is talking about how they are going to get me married soon. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? So freaky. That's why I want to go away for my PG (hopefully to Pune. But if this is the scene, anywhere will do). I love my house and love my parents but I just cannot help hating them right now. I need to go out and miss my home in order to re-affirm it's value in my life. Also to have fun but trust me that is secondary.

Ajeeb Insaan is proving to be the most difficult being to handle. He just refuses to become normal. He makes sure he talks to me when I call but it sounds like a formality. No teasing, no mush, nothing about me except the formality of asking me about my day. He didn't go for classes yesterday and went for shopping with his friends G and P and P's girlfriend (from Mumbai). And no missing me, no calling me, no asking me even though he knew that i was free the whole day. Day before yesterday (Sunday- *ahem*, the day we generally meet) he didn't even talk about meeting me and went to amusement park with G, P, Neera and her friend. I never object to him ignoring me when he is studying but at least he can tell me that he missed me when he was having fun. Personally I didn't want to go with him or anything but at least he could've asked!! Chalo even if I don't mind all this (at least he could've asked!!), I do mind the fact that he is just not talking properly. He is always sleepy or tired at night and always busy during the day. Sunday night he told me he is too tired to talk and wanted to sleep and the next day he tells me that he was up till five talking to G and his cousin. I am so sick of all this. And what makes it worse is that i cannot stop myself from calling him. Every morning I get up and think that today I wont call him but the moment the clock strikes 23.45, I just cannot help myself. God I don't know WTF is wrong with me. He is right, I am way too used to talking to him, way too dependant on him. And i thought it was the other way round. Well i can just hope this gets better. Either he will become alright again or I will learn to stop myself.

All these problems are internally killing me while I am smiling outside. I cannot do anything else. I am acting normal only so no depression. But a lot of frustration inside. I cant just let go this time. I am generally very good at not caring but this time I just cant stop worrying. UFF!

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