Well after the so called 'fight' with Ajeeb Insaan (Click here for an analysis of the situation by Pugsie) and getting back to square one and hating self for expecting stuff yet once more *kicks self*, I have realised that I do NOT need anyone to make me feel happy. Happiness is a state of mind that I need to achieve on my own. Ajeeb Insaan is right when he tells me that if i am upset about something, nothing he says will cheer me up. And today, irrespective of how upset i was in the morning and how uncertain i was about the futility of my 'relationship', I am happy right now because i want to be. Spending the day with Pugsie, and loving each second of it, i realised how happy i actually am. Shopping for 'stuff, clothes' (he he) makes me feel so much better. I realised what a hard core romantic I am at heart (said that to pugsie '75000 times' today). I love listening to old hindi songs and every time i hear them, my face lights up. Today in the City walk mall, there was this piano guy playing old songs. He played 'pehla nasha' and i felt so nice. I couldn't stop gushing after that. I love looking at huge buildings, posh malls, modern infrastructure. Even though my emotions were (are?) in a turmoil, i felt on top of the world today. I romanticise driving home at night. The well lit roads, fast cars passing by (when there is no traffic off course), their beaming lights, the flyovers and the red lights, listening to the radio. Everything about driving home at night. I love the bright colours an the dull colours (well colours in general), and i love black and white too. I love Dilli Haat stuff, the bangles, the paintings, the ethnic jewellery. I love looking at couples as they walk hand in hand. I love looking at my friends blush as they talk to their someone special. I love long E-mails, and longer telephone conversations.
And no haven't lost my mind (as a lot of you males must be thinking, no offence) but i acknowledge the fact that i am filmy, and romantic. And i accept it and i don't think there is anything wrong in that (as opposed to what my boyfriend thinks). But today as realisation creeps in, i know that everyone may not agree with that and may not enjoy so much Romanticism. So I don't need to share it with anyone. I want to believe in that Utopia of the perfect world and i like day-dreaming. And at the same time i know what reality is. So from now on i will keep that romantic world to myself and wont expect people to fulfill my dreams because frankly they can't. Only I can do that because I know what these dreams mean to me. If Ajeeb Insaan doesn't believe in so much romance, its not his fault. I will stop telling him all that i feel. After all i feel it for myself and i willingly want to live in this utopia. Its my choice and i wont force it on others.
In fact I still long for that dream man who will adore me for being so 'insane' and will call me in the early hours of morning to hear my groggy sleepy voice, who will message me some nonsensical stuff everyday, who will buy me roses, who will not get tired of looking at me, who will share all his joys with me and not just the sorrows, who would listen to me endlessly when i talk stupid things and actually take interest in them just because they are important to me. I know guys like that don't exist (reality check) but i would like to believe that they do because i feel the romance as I wait for him (please add 'waiting' in my list!!)....
Ps- I want things to be less complicated from now on. So i will just stop demanding stuff from Ajeeb Insaan. Its not worth the effort. And also, I will not think of the future bacause thats something I cannot control. And I will just take a backseat for once instead of trying so hard because that doesnt always work, especially with this weird guy!!!