Crappy New Year

Okay.

After a lot of contemplation..I write. And only because this is proving to be a very tough time. Emotionally. I am vulnerable to the extent of going crazy. I want to just sit in one corner and cry. I want Pugsie...right now. I want to hug her and blabber nonsensical stuff as i wet her shirt with my tears. I want Froggy to make me laugh. I want Best Fraand to scold me for letting myself go through this. If I were writing in a diary, it would have been wet with my fresh tears.

And the worst part is, that its nothing. Nothing I can express through words. Or put across to people in an articulate manner. And that's why I know I need you three. Because I know you would understand.

Its that horrible thing called realization. You guys know what that feels like right?

Deja vu?? Mujhe bhi. Its one of those miserable times when back in KNC i would sit in chaupal and sob and everyone who saw me would give me a tight hug and say nice things to me. Now no one does that. No one is close enough to make me believe that I have fantastic things in store for me and that I am amazing. That I have lost weight and my eyeliner look pretty. Nobody asks where I bought my kurta from or who gave me my bangles. No one to drag me to a movie, no one to take me for granted. No one who I can take for granted. No one to argue with, no one to ignore, no one to contemplate weird aspects of life with.

Its not just the sudden turn of emotions. Its also a lot of suppressed feelings. The lack of a proper let out. I thought I didn't really need one but now I think I do. Damn it!

It could also be intuition. A feeling that something bad is about to happen. I get that a lot. And it makes me really sad. It does. It gives me sense of helplessness.

I didn't want to write a sad post. In fact I had a brilliant idea for my next post. I remember telling Capricorn boy about it. But this what I end up writing. Hopefully next one will be the nice analytical entry that I had in mind.

PS- Its just a mood swing...hopefully.

the Latest...

Old Songs are ....BEAUTIFUL!!

I miss Best Fraaand.

I miss dancing too...

Capricorn boy is as elusive as ever. But I am getting used to him.

The first boyfriend shows a LOT of interest these days. But I just ignore him and snub him in all the creative ways possible.

Ajeeb Insaan has apparently found a new girl. God bless her. Hopefully the poor thing will fare better than me. Or maybe she will teach him a lesson. Whatsoever that might be, I genuinely feel happy for them.

I attended class today.

I also went to a marketing meeting yesterday. It was awesome how cool that senior marketing executive was. Witty, smart, manipulative. He had me zapped out of words twice. And that doesn't happen often. He has my respect.

Capricorn boy.... He is just the right person to be with these days. This thing between us is perfect. * touch wood*

And what makes it better is the warmth. The way I am so comfortable with him. Its always like it was meant to be.

I miss Froggy and Pugsie.

I am going to hometown for 10 days. Reunion of sorts where extended family from all over the world is coming together. It will be nice...oh who am I kidding? It will be torturous.

Meh.

:)

I am ok....right?

Back from the wedding....

Having mood swings.

Tired+PMS= Irritation

Irritation+lack of attention= Super duper pissed

Urggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Just the person i want to be with is NOT cooperating.

Baaaaah!

College tomorrow.

2 Weeks and then another 10 day long family torture.

Thats not helping my mood darling.

Its this feeling of helpless-ness.

It takes over me when I am moody.

I want people to tell me how bloody fantastic I am....without me asking them to do it.

Sooooooooooooo pissing off!

I should sleep.

Bye!

We walk..... You and me.

And here we are, walking through this busy street. Not holding hands but you grab mine each time I am about to fall. And the best part is that you leave it once I regain my balance, only proving that you understand that I need my independence as well. You take care of me when I need you and you never let me feel as if I am dependant on you. Perfect. No?

And when I get angry, you distract me with the search game that we play. I look for the word all around me while you smile at your own brilliance. And then we fight. We get angry at each other. And like you promised, it never lasts longer than five minutes. We both know that we cannot stay angry with each other for longer than that. Its very satisfying, what we share. Because its just perfect. I want it to be like this always.

Its so easy to tell you everything. So easy to explain things to you. Its amazing how simple it is to be around you. How simple it is to be me.

And the street is crowded, diverting your attention time and again. But you always come back. You are aware of me walking beside you. You look out for me. I wish you knew how important that is for me. I can do what I like because I know you are there to take care of me. I have never had that before. I am a child around you. A child who misbehaves, who doesn't care for the world because she knows that someone is there in case things go wrong.

You are special. Very special. And now, a very important part of my life. You are my partner in crime, my beloved, my support, my favourite boy, my Best friend and much much more than that.

I wish I could ask you to stay.

The downfall is about to start. I know it is. Because the connecting thread is leaving. Life around here won't be the same without him. But I won't accept it ever. Accepting only brings forward the obvious making it more blatant.

But the deal is that I will miss this. The four clan friendship is so much my thing. First the 'Girl Gang' broke up and now the 'Cool Group' is disintegrating. I know that this will last. It will. But it is changing in the physical aspect of things. The so called 'fun' is going away. But that's not the point right. Friendships always are forever. And obviously after good comes bad. After sunshine, there is always a gray day. But whats important is that sunshine always comes back.

What scares me is that the 'connecting thread' was the one who held this together. The loose ends will find it hard to exist without him. Am I one of those loose ends? I don't know if I am. But I know the other two are. And that's scary. Its unimaginable. I know I will be the easiest to cut away only because I am the new-est. I don't see the both of them making an effort to keep it alive. They will sulk in their misery and not talk about it.

And the one moving away will be the most difficult to handle. He will not know each and every detail of each and every second of the other two's life. I am inconsequential because I always was and I like it like this. And I know how to deal with it too. The switch off button is always the most useful thing. The brick wall still exists.

But I can't stop hoping that defense mechanisms won't be required.

Here's a toast then, to the most genuine and the most caring guy I ever met. And who I intend to keep close for as long as I can. Here is a toast to all the wonderful times we spent together which may be less but were worth so much more. Here's to the long talks, the crazy jokes, the irresponsible drinking, the 'boys night out', the cooking and cleaning, the heart to hearts and soul to souls. Here is to the only boy who said that he will marry me if I am single after ten years just because I cook so well. Here is to the new but the very very special bond that I share with him. Here's to Amit.

Fleeting message....

Off to Darjeeling......
Ha!

Goodbye all.
I shall be off for a week and then i will update...:)

Super excited. And very happy.

Love. Miss me Delhi. I will try to miss you. I can't guarantee... ;)

PS- Last post....not to be taken seriously. Was an emotional outburst.
PPS- the art of cooking is not alien to me anymore. Woo hooo!!

Of drunk nights or two!

A drunk guy apologizing profusely, his messages talking of his lies in the night doesn't make up for a very happy morning. And especially when you know that the next few days are unavoidable and cannot be escaped. You can't go in your 'shell' and you can't even live with it...

It is nothing too drastic. There was nothing too severe in the messages, nothing worse than what has happened already. But when the guy loves you like never before and you know its because of the alcohol, it sucks. Waking up in the morning sucks. The words he whispered in your ears as he hugged you close which seemed so real then, now haunt the living daylights out of you. I didn't ever think I was capable of such a complex emotion but guess what, I was wrong.


And all this but I still want to be the same. The same with him. I still feel what I did before. I accept it as a part of him and THAT is weird. The memory of a walk in the cold night is still happy enough to make me forget all the absurdity. The good continues to overpower the ugly.

And after all its ugly only by the virtue of the conventional norms of the society.

The morning is then, not all that bad.

NOT knowing what 'love' is...

Apparently I have never fallen in love till now.

Whatever has happened was merely an 'anticipation' of what I want love to be like.

I will know it when it happens. Thats what I have been told. So Ajeeb Insaan was just convenience? Or maybe a habit. I don't know what he was because I am absolutely disgusted even at the thought of him. And that cannot be love right? You don't get disgusted by people you love or you once loved. You accept them with their faults and you love them eternally. Right?

But that has clearly not happened.

And Capricorn Boy....

Well he is someone I really care about. And I have these feelings for him that I don't understand. I accept him and it feels right around him. I am myself around him and I don't need to fake my emotions ever.

I know its something. But I don't want to jump to a conclusion of calling it 'love'. Because I can't tell for sure. And if he doesn't feel it, I can't risk being in love with someone and knowing its futile. So even if it is love, I don't want to acknowledge it.

Basically I can't tell.

And maybe that's the right thing. :)

PS- Happy Birthday Best Fraand! I love you...

I will ignore these feelings till I can...

If it is meant to be then it will happen no matter what.

And when I cannot ignore them any further, I don't know what I will do.

The Reason...

Will someone please sing this song for me someday??

*sigh*

I like believing that someone someday will. And will really mean it.

Even if no one ever does.... I still love the song. Especially the melody.

I know its very cheesy but hey, I like cheesy romantic things!

Awwwww...

PS- Don't watch the video. Just hear the song.

When you asked me 'why?'

You asked me 'why?'

And when I asked you 'why?', you said 'har why, kyu aur kaiku ka jawab nahi hota.' You know I seriously don't remember what movie this dialogue is from.

But to get back to your question... Why?

Why do I want to talk to you?

Why do I want to spend time with you?

You seriously want me to answer these questions? You and I both know that you don't want to hear the answer. We both know that you are not ready. Or maybe not willing.

Seriously... Are you not willing? Does it bother you that much that you can't face the truth?

But tell me, do you even know WHAT you feel deep within yourself?

Sometimes I think that I am looking into this way too much. That all these feelings that I presume don't even exist for you. But then I think of all those times when I looked into those expressive eyes of yours. You might be a great actor but what I saw in them was not something I imagined.Not being able to read your eyes doesn't mean that I am blind to what I see in them.

Is it so hard to actually say what you feel? Is it that hard to look into yourself and bring out those inner feelings which I know exist even if they are negligible.

Actually don't tell me what you feel. If you don't feel what I think you do, it will hurt really bad. Let me live in my happy world of belief and let me feel free to stare at those magnetic eyes whenever I can. I don't want to know what you don't want to tell me. It only makes sense when you will find it hard enough to keep it within yourself. When you will put your feelings into words, it should be your own will, your desire to see my reaction.

I can never forget that night when you told me the unthinkable in front of my house. I remember each and every thing that you ever said to me, each time you looked at me thinking that I am unaware, every little thing that you did for me and the way you were always there for me. I know you try real hard to not let me know but trust me I notice. I don't tell you because I am scared of you making better efforts to hide these small things.

You always bring a smile to my face. And whenever there is that tear in my eye, its because maybe deep down I have learnt that someone out there cares enough to wipe it for me.

And even after this long analysis, I don't have an answer to your question. That's because you already know my answer...

Maybe this is how it was meant to be.

I am unusually content with the way things with Capricorn Boy are going. Its actually not going anywhere and that's what I like about this. Its slow now as opposed to how it started. He is the same. And I don't know how exactly he feels. But I know that he feels something. He acknowledges it. And that is surprisingly okay with me. I am in control of my emotions when it comes to him. There are no desperate calls, no arguments, no insecurities, nothing. And I like that.

I still wish I knew what he feels. But I have come to terms with the fact that he will never tell me. That's how he is. I hope that someday he will but I don't expect it. And finally I know what the difference between hoping and expecting is. Just because I like to think about him doesn't make it an obligation for him to do the same.

When this started out, I found a problem with so many things that he did or said. But now, I don't. I find them cute now. All these days when he wasn't around, I missed him. But there was no compulsive craving for his calls or his attention. That felt nice. I was happy missing him. Oho this romance never dies...does it?

Even his horrible jokes which should make me jealous are acceptable now. I can handle his occasional nasty mean behavior. And after a while, I find it amusing. Only God knows what this boy thinks. And I am happy that at least God does. I have no inclination to go out of my way to 'de-mystify' him. I want to learn as and when it's meant to be. The bottom line is that I know he is good at heart and he will never hurt me knowingly. And that's sufficient.

Anyway.

I am looking forward to the 'trip'. And just that. No imagining or day dreaming about what may or may not happen.

*sigh*

PS- I lost the Gleaming Accessory. I guess it was never meant to be mine. The sad part is that I couldn't sell it and get some cash in return. ;)

PPS- Read this.

Everytime!

Men

are

I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E.

I will never understand them. I will never get what they feel. I will never make sense out of their logic. So i will just give up.

Eventually.

I ran!

And I ran.

With the breeze, like the breeze.

I ran without a care in the world. I ran without thinking. I ran laughing, screaming,. I ran for the pure joy of running. No boundaries. No notion.

I even fell. On a huge pile of mud. Got my clothes dirty but I did't care. I got up and continued.

It felt amazing.

Teary eyed because of the chill in the air. Teary eyed because of the warmth of my heart. I ran as the child in me woke up. Probably she was looking for ways to come outside. She was sick and tired of being held back. She hated it.

I wanted to run even after my body gave in. I could have gone on. I wanted to go on. I miss those days when I didn't get tired. When Grassy fields and dusty roads were my playground. I miss those crazy friends. I miss that football and that cricket bat. That swing, that slide.

:)

I Miss...

Victory!

ENIGMA WON!!
YAY

I couldn't be happier. My team. My hard work. My everything....

I know I am not there with them but I don't care.

I Love them all. I love each second I spent as a part of it. I cherish each memory, good or bad. And today, I feel proud, elated and so bloody happy.

I can't contain my joy.

That trophy, my team deserves it.

Wooohooo!

I love my team.

Mwah!

Cravings...

I miss BITS Pilani. Enigma performed today in Razzmatazz. I hate the fact that I am here and not with them. I want to be with them, cheering, supporting, dancing.

Its like I am an old hag, retired from the glamorous life of being the president of Enigma. I miss the excitement, the adrenaline rush. It was just so bloody perfect, my life. I was with people I could fall back on, doing what I love and getting what I desired. Life was meaningful. I had the sense of motive, and satisfaction came each day. The zest never expired.

But now....Its just not there. Life has changed. People have changed. They new ones are not worth the pain and old ones are not around all the time.

Technically I should have been in Pilani. Celebrating a good performance with my team. Waiting eagerly for the results tomorrow. Clicking pictures. Running around. Eating chicken parantha. Not sleeping. Bitching about other teams. That is where my heart is.

This doesn't feel right. This place. People use you. And if you try to assert yourself, they leave you. People pretend. If you point that out to them, they find faults with you. I know thats what I will face in life, time and again. But after tasting perfection, nothing feels good enough.

PS- Popo I hope you are having fun there, and taking care of my team. I wish I could come along!

ill:(

Body ache.

Terrible one.

Drained of energy. I don't even know why.

Now generally when people feel weak they prefer their beds to sprawl on. Me on the other hand, I have lost my sleep completely. Body aches more with every attempt to sleep. Damn this stupid whatever it is!

And I don't know if I have mentioned before that I avoid allopathic medicines till the time say I am dying and there is no way out. So no chance of quick recovery. Its me and my mom's home made herbal medicines that I rely on.

Plus tomorrow is college. My stupid college that I refuse to advertise doesn't listen to excuses as to why you were absent. Again, unless you are dying, you need to attend classes, which will kill you anyway.

And the stupid infection that I have isn't even respectable enough to be written about. Its almost as if I am being punished for scatological references in my Mac Flecknoe answers. Not happy!

I came on-line looking for Capricorn Boy who I couldn't talk to because it was Sunday. Duh! And he is not even on-line. As opposed to many nights when I snored away (not really!) to glory and he was up talking to 'people' (ahem) on-line. And today only he is not here. Great! Not jealous. Result of body ache=Irritation!

Mummy!:(

I hate this. This falling ill. And that too weird wala ill!

Rose tinted glass

Arey life is beautiful again.

In fact it is outrageously fantastic.

I like this. This nice beautiful place where I am. I want to stay here only. Nothing more. Nothing less. I love it! Just like this.

And I never want to grow up. Never. Ever.

La la la la *breaks into a random bollywood song*

Come lets just dance together. Or maybe I dance and you watch. Watch me intently because my moves mean a lot more. I want to be in grassy fields stretched till the horizon while the sun is turning the sky into a palette full of colours. I want to run as fast as I can. And I want to scream. Loud enough so that the nearby mountains will echo my voice. I will scream my name. And yours. And then you can also try doing it. And we can then play hide and seek. Or maybe tag. We will be kids again.

Come with me na. Lets just go to a far away place and leave this world behind for some time. And then we will be young and restless and carefree or even careless and nobody will care. Except you and me.

*sigh*

I love life!

Why the hell is it complicated???

So bloody ambiguous?

God when do you intend to find me that boy who will just want to be with me as much as I do? And I am not asking you to send back any old flames. Capricorn boy happens to be perfect. But no! I had to drag in these complications. And he also had to be so all over the place.

Friendship cannot happen now that I know what the other side feels like. Not until I am over him, no!

What is this? This super horrible lack of coordination in what we feel. Dancing is so much easier. You just need to coordinate but you still never leave your personal styles. You are different yet you dance together, as a whole.

Why can't a relationship be like that? Maybe they are supposed to be like that and I just don't know what that feels like. Why can't men just at least try to see what wonderful people we are. But no! a little emotion drives them crazy.

A friend of mine who heard the whole I-can't-be-vulnerable-to-him-because-he-can't-handle-it-and-he-isn't-vulnerable-to-me story said something that I completely agreed with. He said that if you love someone (even as a friend) you want to be vulnerable to them. You want to share your lives with them.

I am emotional. I am complicated. But so are you. If I am going that extra mile to try and figure you out, why can't you also just try? Why the hell is it so hard? Why do you have to attach so many complications to it?

PS- Capricorn boy i did not put up what you read in my notebook in the morning on this blog because I know you don't want me to. I know that is also too much for you to 'handle'.

End??

So that's how it had to happen?

I can't believe it did.

I can't believe that I mistook your actions to be more than what they were. I can't believe that I misunderstood what you thought. I can't believe it!

You said it will work out in the beginning. I can't believe that you didn't even try. I can't believe that I never really got to know what you exactly felt.

Thank you for everything. It will always be special. But I won't make this mistake again. I won't repeat my faults.

I am not hurt. Just very very amused. And amazed. And disturbed.

I wish I made a difference to you. I wish...

Ha!

They are all the same.

Selfish!

And blind...

But I still always let them read me. And then I feel bad. They can never be there for you. They can never love as much as we can. They can never realise what they are doing to us. They can never ever be sure. They just want their way and that's all they care about.

Poor us! But its our fault. Because we let them.

And the sooner we understand how we don't mean anything to them, the better. But we never do.

They are all the same. Them who don't value us for the way we accept them.

I can't believe I let them do this to me.

Wiring problem!

Matlab hadd hai!

I don't even know what I want!

And yes this in relation to Capricorn Boy. I don't know what I want with this relationship (thats what this is, right?) And the worst of all is that I don't know what he wants. He says something but what he does conveys something else. Which one to believe now?

This is so bloody confusing na. He is so adorable. And sort of irresistible. But at the same time he has this transparent glass around him which I can't get through. He feels like a stranger yet he is so close to me. It feels so right with him but still its all wrong. Brain has all sorts of wiring disorder when it comes to him. What yaar!

I am just going to leave it now. Let it be the way it is. Stop interfering with it. I am done with being vulnerable. But it is so hard when he is around. I just cannot help wanting to be with him. And cannot help wanting to hold his hand. And hug him. And...well a lot of things.

Damn it!

Why is it so hard to let go is something I will NEVER understand.

I need sleep.

Goodnight.

*sigh*

Listening anyone?

Call me mad, call me sane

Or maybe just call me vain

Say I am pretty,

or ugly...

or just a face that you have been waiting for.

A face that you never saw before.

Call me nice

Call me bad

Call me crazy

Call me sad

Call me sweet

with a whisper in my ear

Call me out loud,

Call me near.

Just call me you my favourite boy

Just say my name in a different way

Make me different from the rest of the world

Just by what you say.

Call me mad, call me sane

Oh my beloved,

Just give me a name....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi0rivkNmQo

Mona Lisa Smile...

'Why is she smiling?

Is she happy?

Well she looks happy so what does it matter.

I cry each time i watch it. And I don't even know why.

Someone who refuses to conform is hard to find. Yet we all want to say that we are non-conformists. We all want to pretend that we live by our own rules...

Trying to be different is almost like fashion. Everyone wants to do it. Nobody wants to be stereotyped into an image. But you see its impossible to avoid.

I am not different. I think, see, feel, behave in the same manner as a lot of other people do. I look up to a lot of things and I try to copy them. I day dream and I paint castles in the air. I want to sound indifferent even when I am not. I pretend to care even when I don't. I judge. I follow. I give up. I pretend to be strong. I crave attention. I cry when I don't get it.

So why bother proving otherwise. At least I am truthful. At least I am not a hypocrite.

She is smiling because she is aware. She is smiling to mock the world. She is smiling at her own misery...or maybe of others. She is not smiling to please others any more. Just herself...

Maybe its this age!

Why does it happen that the minute you think that you have learnt your lesson in life, you make the same mistake again? They are not lying when they say that you are essentially alone in this world. Is it wrong to expect? Is it wrong to depend on people emotionally?

Perhaps it is.

Anyway, life goes on. And you learn to deal with things eventually. After all its just a stupid emotional turmoil. What harm can it do? Right??

But maybe its the influence of popular romantic culture that compels me to believe that somewhere out there someone is waiting for me. Someone whose world will revolve around me and mine will revolve around him. I keep thinking that maybe I have met him. Maybe I know him. Maybe he has a silent flame burning in his heart as well. Maybe he is also a silly romantic who wants to think about someone like me all the time. Maybe...

Silly i know.

I wish I could tell someone how much I loved him any time I wanted to. But its okay if I can't. After all you don't always get what you want.

PS- Best Fraaand back in town. Woohooo!!

Unreasonable.

Very very vulnerable.

Irritated.

Needs to be pampered. And not getting it!!!

PMS...

Hate it!

Lots of things.

Had a wonderful and an eventful week.

Missing Military Training Camp was worth it.

Capricorn boy was looking Super hot today. Stubble suits him. And the light pink shirt...never looked better on anyone else. I could just kiss him then and there. But busy boy couldnt be around for long.

Note to self- Ask him to wear the same shirt next time we go out. :) :)

Met Pugsie day before. The usual movie didn't happen but Big Chill did. Talking to her is one of the best things in the world. Might go to Sunder Nagar Diwali mela with her.

Went to see Ramleela last Sunday. The Indian Ballet has its own grace and charm. And the best part was that I met Nair sir there who was the choreographer of the performance and who also happens to be the first real teacher who taught me. The only word that may be close to defining what the performance was like is I think 'spectacular'. Transferred me into an alternate universe. The Indian form still takes the position of the most expressive form of dance in my opinion. What we call the 'bhava' (or expressions) is dealt with such an importance and grace, that it manages to deeply involve the audience with the action of the performance, especially me. I wanted to be up there dancing with them and yet I wanted to just sit there and watch without batting an eyelid.

Called up Maggie immediately after the performance and talked about how great dancing in school was. Our school had an annual ballet which was a huge deal. Being a part of these is perhaps the the thing that i miss the most about school. The stay backs for practices was probably what made us (Maggie and I) inseparable.

Tomorrow I am going to meet Enigma. Helping them with auditions for Pilani. Feels great to still be a part of it somewhere. I felt Elated when they called me for my opinion. Like Capricorn Boy says, everyone wants to be remembered after they leave. It feels fantastic that I still am a part of what is a part of me. Enigma shall always be one of the factors that changed me and made me the person I am today.

Like Weird Girl pointed out in one of those I-can't-ever-forget practice sessions in my first year, 'You give what you have to the stage, and the stage will return you a lot more.'

And it so did.

Enough!

Thats it!

I have had enough...

Enough of this stupid nonsensical pseudo whatever it is. (Avoiding being specific are we? Any help? I think not)

Brick wall... I shall re-build you. You my favourite thing in the world because when someone kicks you, they get hurt and not me. Not implying anything here. Just as a precautionary measure I shall re-build you. Today. Right now. This moment...

I don't want to ask questions. Because I don't need answers. And I don't want to give anyone the pleasure of making me feel.... obliged maybe.

Whatever man.

I miss dancing. Like crazy.

I miss my friends. The real ones. I could have met them today but mommy called me home early. I dont want to be alone. Ever! Maybe I am not. But it doesn't feel like I have company.

Unfair. I know it. And so do you. You sitting up there poking your nose in everyone's business. You know you are being unfair. And I know you want me to think that this must have some hidden benefit in the long run. But that doesn't give you the right to be so god-damn unfair!

Anyway,

more work required in life.

Peace.

(added after much thought and this)

PS- Froggy, you are my favourite girl.... You always make me happy. You really do. I can totally date you full time. Much love.

Scared? Me? No!

Look at that!

That blatant Truth staring at me... unwilling to waver it's gaze.

I am scared. Am I?

Probably not. But its just a scary thought of this Truth coming closer to me. I can't help it though. It will eventually reach up to me with those glaring Red eyes which I dread. Damn it! Where is that pile of sand which i want to bury my head into? Or that time machine which can either take me back or forward 3 months right now (does that time period ring a bell anyone?) . I don't want to face what is coming my way.

It's curiosity mixed with anticipation. Its this parallel duality of what i romanticise and... well and the truth of the present circumstances. I don't mind either to be frank. But like all those who know me well enough can guess...I cant stand not knowing or not being able to help 'it'.

So what should i do?

The Plan Of Action (POA) as of now is to just deal with it. Distract myself till this feeling dies. (distraction=sand box???)

Stop staring you horrid beast with bloodshot eyes. You might not realise it but the effect of your appearance is freaky. Go away. Or maybe attack me from behind. I am good with handling surprise attacks. But this? Not happening!

*secretly meditates*

PS-

Pugsie baby. I love you. As if you didn't know! Ha!

Is it you? It cant be me!

One hand on the steering wheel and other on the gear, as I drove back to home today, my mind raced from one vivid image to another. My brain was on 'auto pilot' as I concentrated unconsciously on the various things happening in and around my life.

The music was loud enough to block out the noise of the world outside. It was subtle enough to not invade my string of thoughts which were filling the hollow of my heart. And each time i would lose the thread, the lyrics filled my ears as if they were a part of me.

Ay hairath-e-ashiqui

Jagaaaaa mat!

Pairon se zameen, zameeeeen,

laga mat!

This is such a beautiful song. The man in love is asking the wonderful feeling to not wake him up from the dream of his rosy world. He wants to forget what lies ahead and just continue feeling what this trance of being in love is doing to him. He knows he is flying but still he wants to remain away from the ground. The ground which is the harsh reality. And hence his plea to stay airborne in this dreamlike state.

These songs affect me more when i hear them while driving alone. And they fill the gaps. Of my life and of my thoughts. I hate to admit but like everyone else, i also seek reality in art. And I always end up comparing the two. What makes it even more wonderful is the fact that because of art, one learns to appreciate the real.

The music adds to the view outside which passes me, just like a slide show of beautiful pictures, animated ones. I recollect these lines (which are the only lines i can remember) from some poem i read in fourth grade-'each a glimpse and gone forever'. That's how these scenes are. Dynamic. Ever changing.

I want to be like those school girls who are going back home, eating ice-cream, wearing their blue tunics and with that heavy bag on their back. I miss that heavy bag. It was better to carry the weight of books than carrying the weight of being an adult, the weight of lost innocence, the weight of my own thoughts. I remember craving for freedom when i was young but now I realize that I was probably never more free than i was then. I had the freedom from these mature, analytical thoughts.

Do chaar meheeno se lamho mein

umron ke hisaab bhi hote hain...

From the past few months, each second i live feels like an account of the life that i have lived and the life which will follow. The man singing the lines above talks about the beauty of growing up. He loves giving an account of his life to time which ticks without waiting for anyone. These lines remind me of a regret-less past which is the reason for me being where I am today. I don't wish to change anything about it, just like the poet.

PS-

-Happy Birthday Telepathic Bitch. We might not be as close as we once were but you will always be someone special in my life.

-Popo, you are adorable even when you are getting those mood swings. 20 messages in one day? You have defeated all my boyfriends with that. I love you.

-Capricorn boy... I am glad we met today. I wish I knew what you are thinking. And don't say you are emotion-less. You and I both know that its not true.

*Gush*

Okay first thing first.

Capricorn boy...Awwwwwwww!!! No super duper awwwwwwww!!

Why? Because of the things he unknowingly does.

I promised myself that this blog will not become the living evidence of me gushing over my new found love but... You see its impossible not to.

But i shall still try...

Yesterday was Maggie's birthday. We spent the whole day acting (and getting) drunk. And the last minute hurry to hide the vodka quarter led to hiding of her smokes in my bag. Well it was discovered well before any harm that it could have caused. I can't imagine my mom's plight if she would have seen them in my bag. Anyway the day was Crazy. The variety of emotions continue to amuse me. Hopefully a better insight will be written by Maggie soon. And i promise to add it here when she does.

But what was better was the end to the day. I don't know if too much alcohol caused it or whatever, but I was just not getting any sleep. While desperately trying to find my lost sleep, I sent one message to Capricorn boy about something very random. And i wasn't even expecting a reply. I knew he was tired.

But, but, but...

....the unexpected!

Small things always always make me absolutely cheerful. The blushing ability proves its existence to me time and again because of these Small things.

To you-

You make me happy. Each time I talk to you i realise how important you are to me. Please don't fret about where this is going. But for once just let it go. Let it reach that place for which it started in the first place. Lets just not care and walk together, hand in hand. I don't mind if the sides we tread are different, as long as we are connected by our hands. You pave your road while i will find mine. All I am saying is that lets just remember each other when we do it...

Today was nothing great. I woke up at noon. Saw Chicago on TV (excellent movie by all means). And that's about it. The day dreams however were different. Small little instances replaced over-the-top-Bollywood-like things.

Moreover, the best-est part is that i am not obsessed with all of 'this'. Not even expectant. There are no days (yet) of 'I can't stop thinking about him'. I think that's because of the way Capricorn boy is and i give him that credit.

Oho this blog IS turning into a gushing site!!

Next post- about something else...if I can help it.

I am back...

...and how?? (literally)

Well i missed writing for one.

And i have a so called 'new life' that needs to be talked about.

Also some really nice friends forced me to start again (Popo and Capricorn boy).

So this new life huh?

Well its called choosing studies over dance. Yes i did that. I chose to give in to the aspirations of a future that will pay my bills instead of a future that may or may not be my dream profession. I chose stability over ambiguity, security over passion. That is quite unlike me but right now I am not regretting it.

I like Advertising. Its creative enough to be not boring and is an approved (by family) field to be working in. I like my new college and i like being the 'geek' in class.

New friends? Not too many to be truthful. Oldest friend Manyu is in the adjacent block and his friend Sonam is someone i think I am close to. Close enough for me to call her my friend. Some girls in class are nice. Capricorn boy is also close. Well considering that we are dating he has to be. But is he really? I think he is. I don't know yet. It has just been 2 weeks.

So Capricorn boy? Well he is one cute thing in the department. Every girl goes ga ga over him. He is not super hot but he has that thing...that charm. You know the one where you cant help getting attracted to someone. I admit (for the first time) that i was secretly crushing on him since the minute i saw him. But then since he was way out of my 'league' ( so to say) i never tried to get close. We interacted but never enough to call each other friends. But then one fine evening while chatting on-line, he shows keen interest in choreography ventures and says he would like to talk about it more.

To cut a long story short-

Day1: Chat, Long drive, lunch with friends, drops me home.

Day2: movie, one loooooooooooong conversation in a famous coffee joint

Day3: India gate with friends, drops me home, stays over for dinner...asks me out in front of my house.

I was super shocked. Haunted by the ghosts of my sucky past relationship(s) i said some ambiguous thing about no tags and no expectations and i don't know what all. The next thing i remember is going for a night out with him (and other friends), getting close (enough) and now we spend as much time with each other as possible.

He is different. The most unimaginable kind. He is inexpressive when it comes to words but his actions are too cute. The hardcore romantic that I am, i never thought that I will date someone like him. But the little gestures, I see romance in those. He is unconventional in a lot of senses. Trying to understand him is one tough job. All my hard learned 'boy tactics' have failed me miserably when i tried them on him. I am surprised almost all the time by the way he behaves.

The tragic flaw of this oh-so-perfect-no-tags-i-am-smitten relationship is that he leaves college in 3 more months. I don't know what will happen then. It is good in a way but I think that he is holding himself back(way too much) because of this reason. And I don't like that.

Anyway as far as my feelings are concerned...they grow with each second i spend with him. I love the adorable-ness. I love figuring him out. I love waiting for him to say something that will give me a hint of what he feels. I love the fact that he is scared of saying anything that might raise my expectations. I love holding his hands. I love catching him off-guard. I love this unattached attachment and this undefined so called relationship.

So i guess that's enough of an update for one post. Rest shall follow.

Love.

To whomsoever it may concern...

I am NOT concerned about anything in the world right now.

I truly believe that whatever has happened or might happen is and will be for the better.

I JUST DONT CARE!

The session for my PG begins on the 20Th.

Its my mom's birthday tomorrow.

And some people who were once important were also born in this month.

My grandparents are here and my house will be full of relatives by the end of next week. Occasion being- Nothing.

Like i said...details are for the people who care enough.

Rest can.... do what they like!

Dhinchak!

TRAFFIC SUCKS!!!

So Bad!

And little kids are not always as cute as their parents assume them to be. They can be pretty irritating at times.

New resolution in life: Patience. Less anger. Major attempt to avoid getting irritated.

I miss the bling in life. But I think I am getting too much of glamour. Way too much. Totally over the top.

I know i love Delhi and everything but last night i was thinking that Bangalore wouldn't be that bad to live in either.

Like that matters.

"Arey oh jumma

meri jaaneman

bahar nikal

aaj jumma hai

aaj ka waada hai

dekh main aa gaya

tu bhi jaldi aa

mujhe mat aur tadpa...."

Sudden realisation. I miss Delhi University dance competitions. And all the crazy bollywood songs (like the one above). And the crowd which sang along.

I think i will watch a masala movie now.

Or balika vadhu??? (NOT)

Masala movie...here i come!

Mwaaaaaaaaaah!

chikchikchikah!

I know i just hit 'sign in' after ages but well i didn't have much to write. Okay fine I did but I was too lazy to do it. I think I was just collecting a lot of things to write about. Fine that's also an excuse. I was being lazy...plain and simple.

Why should this blog be about my life at all??

Not that Things are changing or anything but still I was just wondering.

I miss Best Fraand like crazy and I cant do much about it. Well two of my most favourite people are not around. But the other two of my most favourite are so that should compensate for it but it just doesn't. My sister drives me mad each day and boredom is KILLING me.

The things i look forward to these days?? Dance classes. Belly Dance is Fantastic. And lyrical Jazz always was.

The occasional meeting with friends. Occasional because I am grounded. Not really but I am trying to make up for the long phone bill (which was long majorly because of my sis) and staying home pleases my parents.

okay so that's about it. There are other big things in life that i can write about but what the hell, I just don't want to!

Freakish Frenzy

Am I compulsive??

I don't know why but off late I have been wanting things to happen in a certain way and if they don't I cant seem to handle it. I get this weird freakish feeling if things don't turn up the way  wanted them to and sometimes it drives me mad. Why can't I get myself to accept the fact that certain things will remain the way they are. For example if i am looking forward to something, even a second's delay pisses me off. If I am expecting something whenever I am and it doesn't happen I just cant help crying. 

Oho!

Kya hai ye?

Anyway, I also think its the lack of things to do.

God give me things to do.

But does that make me compulsive? Nahi na?

Lyrical Jazz!

Today I discovered what being beautiful feels like. Lyrical Jazz taught me. It is the most wonderful, the most graceful, the most expressive dance form that I have ever experienced. I felt so beautiful doing it. There were trained people around me who were technically better but I had no eye for them in the huge mirror we were dancing in front of. Each move, each extension, each turn....everything just felt so...peaceful. It was like meditating. Every time the music would play, my body would move without me controlling it.

Off course learning the steps took a lot time and they were very tough. But the expression that I could portray through them, I have never felt anything like it before. 

I understood once more why I love dancing so much. And today I felt gorgeous. I didn't care about my extra inches. Didn't care about the who was watching. No inhibitions. I was in a trance. 

I thought I knew all about Jazz. But this form is so much more than Jazz. Its about reaching out...to yourself. Its about feeling a certain emotion. Its about alienating the world and immersing yourself in music. Its about giving in.

I want to learn more. I will learn more. I will start from the basics and will make myself technically sound as well. I want to look even more beautiful. Much more than what I felt today. "I could have danced all night." My body was tired and my feet were blistered but I didn't care. I wanted to keep doing it. I wanted to go on. I was actually upset when the class got over. 

I love life once more. Much more than I did a few hours back. So much more. 

Lyrical Jazz.... You are more lyrical than your name. So graceful and so expressive!

PS- Happy Birthday pugsie. I Love You!!! Mwaaaaaah!

From the top of my head...

Obama is the 44Th President of USA. A democrat who says 'yes we can...' and promises to bring change. Will he? Wont he? That remains a matter of debate:)

Who will be the next Prime Minister of India? Manmohan after all the allegations by BJP and the Left? Even though Rahul Gandhi is SAYING that he is to inexperienced and naive to be one but who knows what Sonia has in mind? Sharad Pawar? A strong candidate according to some but is he stronger than Nitish? Narendra Modi? The last time I counted about ten candidates were willing and had a chance? Who is stronger this election- UPA or NDA?? A famous journalist said about two weeks back that its an 'issue-less election'...really???

What about LTTE? And Prachanda? And BDR? Taliban? All neighbouring countries are in a mess... Lucky us...not!

And the Global Meltdown?? For once I know why it happened and what it led to...Don't worry I am not going into the details.

The point is that this is what fills my mind these days. I feel smart-er than some. But much more than that I feel dumb for not knowing so much more.

And yeah other things too (on a micro level). The two Grand Birthdays of the year are here:). The far far away phenomenon of my life is giving me a hard time. Weight loss is still an issue (Yoga...I finally came back to you. Treat me well). Belly dancing and Lyrical Jazz are on the list after 18Th (that's the day of my IIMC entrances). Jamia went well. Abstract and ambiguous...loved it. Hoping the examiners will love it too. Best Fraand and macbook and shopping and formals..... the time is coming near. Don't go? Froggy discusses current affairs with me...awwww!! Pugsie is still the person I want to tell everything to. I cried to her today as well ( and trust me I feel so much better).

As for the distances in this life...they are driving me crazy. Mad! I am losing control and i cant seem to let go. Arey ho jayega! Evetually sab ho hi jata hai!

As for Obama...I don't think he is that great. Isn't he after all the propagator of his so called 'superpower' status as well? I think he is. Not that its his fault. Stop expecting great things from the poor guy...he is after all human! And a victim of his own position!

Struggling to lose weight anyone??? Join the club!

So the days of 100 crunches are over!


Now I can barely do 50. That is half of what it used to be. That's what no-dancing-sitting-at-home does to you. Well I have final my exams so there is no other option. But whats with these increasing kilos?





Hello body fat! Its not a competition of who can get fuller faster. So do you mind staying off?





And the increasing waistline. What are we going to do about that?





Well I will tell you a few things I have tried which might work for you but for me they have failed miserably. And the reason is all the good food in the world. The kebabs, the pastas, the Mughlai Murg, the Rogan josh, the Tandoori Roti, the street food, Chinese... I have to stop!!! STOP! Right now. And oh by the way the biggest enemy...that pack of instant 2 minute noodles lying in your kitchen.





Okay so the cereal diet. The advertisement says 2 bowls, 2 weeks, 2 kilos! You can have one normal meal and two times you have to eat cereal. Well it worked the first day. But the second day my one normal meal comprised of a three course dinner at a famous kebab joint. Well what the hell! One day doesn't matter all that much (oh it does!!). But the next day the cereal box was empty because my sister likes to eat cereal as snack, without milk as a crunchy snack!!!

And oh then there was the only fruit diet. Well that requires one hell of a willpower and as I might have hinted earlier, I seriously lack it. But at least now I eat two fruits per day. Mom says that it helps in fat reduction. And so does nimbu paani without sugar!

Then there was Yoga. Well what the hell, lets watch TV! I need to sweat and yoga doesn't work. Nope it doesn't. It does if you do it regularly and I so can't. Its too boring.





Then there was lets-dance-for-one-hour-each-day plan. Well its hard to do it alone. And harder when you don't have a lot of space. And each time i try, I feel guilty for not studying. Why don't I feel guilty while watching TV is something I still need to figure out.





Now I try to help mom with the household chores. I actually get up to fill water bottles. Tip: Voluntarily get up each time someone asks for help. That means more movement and less time on the couch. And also you can walk while you read. That should help!





Jogging? Well i am still trying and it might just work. Along with the crunches which shall increase. Very soon!

Fiction... inspired by my own life.

Note: Title edited on popular demand!!! ;). There are small elements that I have borrowed from my life, my past and my present. But its still mostly fictional.

With heavy eyelids as I sat in my veranda, I could not understand why my head felt so heavy. The wind was pleasant and so was the sunlight. But my heart felt heavy. Here I was feeling incomplete while somewhere he was busy with mundane things like laptop repair and satyanarayan pooja. He had gone back with the promise in his eyes of returning. But probably of not missing me. Well he did not miss me at all.

*Ding dong*

Koodawala. Or maybe the maid. I didn't care. I could not get myself to get out of the chair. I could not bear the weight of some one's company. Except his maybe. But I am not too sure. Last night also I thought I wanted to talk to him but when I did, I realised that I actually did not really want it. I kept pushing it, didn't I? Kept trying to tell him about the depth of my feelings. But the reaction just was not enough for me. Maybe because I knew that it was filtered through a football match. Or maybe because I knew that I had a few more minutes before he would want to fall asleep. But then I decided I wont let him sleep. Maybe it was the vodka earlier that encouraged my decision. I always try to let go but last night I decided to hold on for once. And maybe I deserved what I got.

When did sleeping become more important that my pleas? My tears?

I just want him to come back. Do I? This house feels like a burden. Maybe because I fear that he wont ever return. But wont it be worse if he does? I should run away right now when I can, from this absurd, maddening truth. Run away before we return to the same routine of daily work. That's not how I thought it would be when I came to live with him. I thought that it would be light and beautiful. That's what he had said. Marriage without bonds. Living for each other, with each other without any tags. But it wasn't as rosy as I thought it would be. Because of my constant presence around him, he started taking me for granted. And to the limit of hurting me and not realising it. Mom was right. Our intellectual levels don't match. He isn't even capable of feelings that You have in your heart.. But why??

The first time in my life I want to blame God. Never before did I believe in him? her? it? Maybe I still don't. But I want to blame God. Why cant it be this man I love? Why is he so shallow? Where is the goddamn depth?

When did laptops, football matches, rituals, sleep become more important than our relationship? When did it all start? Why did I even make this decision? Is this what regret feels like?

Now someone was literally banging the door. Natasha memsaab! darwaza kholo. Mujhe pata hai aap andar ho!! Why did this noise feel so far away? Why couldn't I get up? Why couldn't I leave my chair? I knew that if I didn't they would break the door and come in. But I was still motionless... Thoughtless now...

You!
You someone far far away...
...please come back.
Please...*puppy face*

Although I know we won't be able to be with each other that often because of my exams but atleast you will be around.

But please come back na!

Or just call me twice a day and tell me how much you miss my company. That should work.
Or maybe not.
Actually it will make me miss your company more.
Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

Whatever.
Just come back.
I miss you.
A lot.

Personification eh??

Feeling inadequate. Really incomplete.

Life...
...I know I am asking for a little more than what you are giving me but I think i deserve it after what has happened already. I demand romance....and you have to give it to me. Just because we are growing older and are getting used to each other does not mean that all the passion has to go, does not mean that small things are not required anymore. Don't kill the love of being mad within me, don't take away from me what I have always gained from being insane. I want to be crazy at times. Be my friend when I need one. Be my accomplice in my random moods. Be there for me whenever I need you. Make me happy, make me sad, make me feel joy, let me be excited. Don't kill my need to be madly in love once more. Because if I cant be mad, I cant love either. And if I cant love, YOU wont make a difference to me.

So life, Oh dear dear life....For your own sake let me be what I want to be, give me all that I demand, let me feel all that i want to, let me be naive once more.

Let me live.

I want to be alive... once more...

PMSing

I want to talk. Just talk. As in like go on about something me-related.
I want someone to call me and i won't call anyone because I want attention and not them.
Ideally someone should call me and tell me how fantastic and amazing and important I am.
Or I should have some Chicken Seekh Kebabs and the fat should go to someone else's body who actually needs it.
Why is none of it happening??
Two blog entries in 15 mins.... at least its close to talking.... Is anyone listening???

Mood swings are unavoidable. And irritating. You know that you are being unreasonable but you cant help it. And that's what makes them even more irritating. Aaaaaaaaaargh.

PS- And again, Froggy all the very best.

Man...
I want pampering.
RIGHT NOW!!
And the one i want it from is incapable of it...has always been!!!
I give up! Sheesh!!!


PS- All the best to froggy for her Law entrance.

Unfair!!!

God.

Men should PMS and experience what it feels like.

But unfortunately....Thats not going to happen.

So we shall PMS and be moody and irritated and frustrated while they can whine about...oh i dont know....LONG LECTURES maybe!!!

Wish: Make men go through a woman's cycle for just one month. At least they'll know what we are talking about then.

And no.... every emotional outburst is not PMS!!!!

God I hate this unfair phenomenon!!!

Mobile needs repair!!!!

I like putting nailpaint.

I miss days when I could copy homework without thinking of paraphrasing.

I want to go back to 5th standard when I could run around the campus in my favourite maroon umbrella-cut long skirt without thinking about how I looked.

I love pretty coloured eyeliners.

I love my new high definition eyeliner. Makes my eyes look pretty(ier) and it stays for long and is easy to apply.

I hate the fact that one has to live through school for 12 years and college where you have so much fun gets over in just three.

I LOVE the colour red. And ethenic jwellery.

I hate not having any aim in life. Okay so being rich can be an aim.... But then I hate not knowing how to.

I love it when old friends call or text.

I love people making an effort to meet me, or rather making an effort to be with me.

I wonder why I dont submit assignments throughout the year.....

Why don't men menstruate???

The colour pink is one fantastic thing to cheer you up....the second in line is purple.

Are fuzzy slippers comfortable??

Losing weight is so goddamn tough...and so slow a process!!!

Chocolate fantasy can never be too much chocolate!

Why is this note moving from 'I' to general things?

Photography needs skills which are suppsed to be "WOW"!!!

I like Sean Paul's Temperature... a lot!

Dancing is so much fun!!!

Writing nonsense can get borning after a while!!

Gleaming Accessory!!

Okay so the advertisement on my facebook account reads: India's Best University.........AMITY UNIVERSITY!!!

Yes this is the first thing that i mention after not writing for ages. Deal with it!

Too much has happened....but i won't go into the details (i don't owe anyone!!)

I don't even know what to write in this post except that i am super elated. The Gleaming Accessory is catching my eye again and again, I cant help but gush. Every time I look at it, I smile. Without fail. Its like an auto-smile switch. I don't even know how this happened but it just did.

Early morning. Around 8 (which is early for a holiday). Phone rings.... or rather vibrates, BUzzzzzzzzzzz. Pugsie. Network bad so i call her from the land line. One super excited chat about well ahem ahem. And then one super smart opinionated discussion on the Oscar famous Slumdog Millionaire. Pugsie I love our conversations. And that is because u know what i want to say without me really saying it at all. And I love you. I don't know what I would have done without you.

Last night. Around 8. Driving back home. Nobody picking my call. Message to the two pretty girls. I call Froggy. "Heeeey whats up"...the usual Froggy greeting. I don't even say 'Hi' and I blurt out the happenings of the day. In detail. Don't know how she is reacting on the other side but i cant help it. I go on talking till I've told her everything. She sounds happy for me. Froggy you should know that being the first one to hear makes you the recipient of maximum excitement and the most genuine emotion. Love ya baby. So much.

Last night. After reaching home. On the phone with Best Fraand.

Me: So you know the basic right?

Her: No I don't know anything!!!

I told her the whole story. But you should know Best Fraand how much that "i don't know anything" weirded me out. I felt so light after narrating the whole thing to you. Better than ever. And that is why you were the first person I called and messaged because I wanted to hear your voice and your reaction. I don't care how you reacted but just the fact that I told you everything made all the difference in the world. I need not state the obvious but well I want to anyway.... I love you!

I don't even know why I wrote about you three. But I just did. Felt like it. The Gleaming Accessory agrees. And looks pretty when I type. Nice and glittery and pretty and shiny and.....just so beautiful!!!

Cant write...so making other people do it for me!

GUEST POST....
By the Deluded Doctor!!


Top 8 excuses why Anukriti doesnt post regularly on her blog
8. She likes to keep us in suspense

so that when she comes back, we'll either be too confused,have a funky hairstyle, too in suspense or dead.

then she can finally blog about the things that matter to her, like dances, gossip, drooling and male pattern baldness

7. she has exams and she's working hard and studying for them.

yeah right.

6. she's not intellectual enough.

yeah right.

5. her astrologer friend has warned her not to.

saying that if she does try to blog in this ominous period of mars, she might develop boils on her chin......or worse, she may start liking her studies(*shudders*)

4. her parents have asked her to stop blogging, otherwise they'll marry her off to a rich gujrati snob.

3. she watches friends.

chandler bing doesnt blog. chandler bing is cool.

2. it takes too long to type that much.

what? try typing with your nose while using both your hands to eat chips. is it that easy now, huh, mr smartypants?

1. she waits until someone asks her why.

and then zap! using her higher intellectuality and sense of fashion, she makes the person write her a guest post.

Thanks???

:\

I

HATE

EXAMS!!!

*frown*