Crappy New Year

Okay.

After a lot of contemplation..I write. And only because this is proving to be a very tough time. Emotionally. I am vulnerable to the extent of going crazy. I want to just sit in one corner and cry. I want Pugsie...right now. I want to hug her and blabber nonsensical stuff as i wet her shirt with my tears. I want Froggy to make me laugh. I want Best Fraand to scold me for letting myself go through this. If I were writing in a diary, it would have been wet with my fresh tears.

And the worst part is, that its nothing. Nothing I can express through words. Or put across to people in an articulate manner. And that's why I know I need you three. Because I know you would understand.

Its that horrible thing called realization. You guys know what that feels like right?

Deja vu?? Mujhe bhi. Its one of those miserable times when back in KNC i would sit in chaupal and sob and everyone who saw me would give me a tight hug and say nice things to me. Now no one does that. No one is close enough to make me believe that I have fantastic things in store for me and that I am amazing. That I have lost weight and my eyeliner look pretty. Nobody asks where I bought my kurta from or who gave me my bangles. No one to drag me to a movie, no one to take me for granted. No one who I can take for granted. No one to argue with, no one to ignore, no one to contemplate weird aspects of life with.

Its not just the sudden turn of emotions. Its also a lot of suppressed feelings. The lack of a proper let out. I thought I didn't really need one but now I think I do. Damn it!

It could also be intuition. A feeling that something bad is about to happen. I get that a lot. And it makes me really sad. It does. It gives me sense of helplessness.

I didn't want to write a sad post. In fact I had a brilliant idea for my next post. I remember telling Capricorn boy about it. But this what I end up writing. Hopefully next one will be the nice analytical entry that I had in mind.

PS- Its just a mood swing...hopefully.