Fiction... inspired by my own life.

Note: Title edited on popular demand!!! ;). There are small elements that I have borrowed from my life, my past and my present. But its still mostly fictional.

With heavy eyelids as I sat in my veranda, I could not understand why my head felt so heavy. The wind was pleasant and so was the sunlight. But my heart felt heavy. Here I was feeling incomplete while somewhere he was busy with mundane things like laptop repair and satyanarayan pooja. He had gone back with the promise in his eyes of returning. But probably of not missing me. Well he did not miss me at all.

*Ding dong*

Koodawala. Or maybe the maid. I didn't care. I could not get myself to get out of the chair. I could not bear the weight of some one's company. Except his maybe. But I am not too sure. Last night also I thought I wanted to talk to him but when I did, I realised that I actually did not really want it. I kept pushing it, didn't I? Kept trying to tell him about the depth of my feelings. But the reaction just was not enough for me. Maybe because I knew that it was filtered through a football match. Or maybe because I knew that I had a few more minutes before he would want to fall asleep. But then I decided I wont let him sleep. Maybe it was the vodka earlier that encouraged my decision. I always try to let go but last night I decided to hold on for once. And maybe I deserved what I got.

When did sleeping become more important that my pleas? My tears?

I just want him to come back. Do I? This house feels like a burden. Maybe because I fear that he wont ever return. But wont it be worse if he does? I should run away right now when I can, from this absurd, maddening truth. Run away before we return to the same routine of daily work. That's not how I thought it would be when I came to live with him. I thought that it would be light and beautiful. That's what he had said. Marriage without bonds. Living for each other, with each other without any tags. But it wasn't as rosy as I thought it would be. Because of my constant presence around him, he started taking me for granted. And to the limit of hurting me and not realising it. Mom was right. Our intellectual levels don't match. He isn't even capable of feelings that You have in your heart.. But why??

The first time in my life I want to blame God. Never before did I believe in him? her? it? Maybe I still don't. But I want to blame God. Why cant it be this man I love? Why is he so shallow? Where is the goddamn depth?

When did laptops, football matches, rituals, sleep become more important than our relationship? When did it all start? Why did I even make this decision? Is this what regret feels like?

Now someone was literally banging the door. Natasha memsaab! darwaza kholo. Mujhe pata hai aap andar ho!! Why did this noise feel so far away? Why couldn't I get up? Why couldn't I leave my chair? I knew that if I didn't they would break the door and come in. But I was still motionless... Thoughtless now...