So what is this I keep hearing about 2011 being a bad year??

How can an entire year be bad? The world I assume is full of pessimistic people.

So in this last entry of 2011, I shall very aptly jot down all important-worth mentioning-awesome things that 2011 got for me. And also awesome stuff I learnt from it...

1) Best friends are best friends and shall always remain so. We make loads of great friends but 2011 led me to understand even more that there are those certain special ones that become your family, that just are a part of you.

2) 2011 was the year of the roller-coaster. Life took me for a ride and I loooved it. The highs, the lows, the terrible, all came and left and my spirit remained as full as it ever was. I learnt that the rides last only for a while and later we just bathe in the awesome courage that got us through.

3) I have the best parents ever. 'They' say you can't choose you parents. Well then 'they' must trust the choices that the universe has made for them. 2011 also taught me how hard it is for them to handle us at times.

4) I learnt that I am bloody awesome at what I do. I got a job. I thought I will suck at it. But I was wrong. I am not just good at it but I also am better than loads who have been doing it for more time than me.

5) I learnt that I do not want to continue doing what I do for long. I enjoy it, I do. But it just isn't who I want to be. The corporate crackpot isn't my aim in life. And nor am I interested in joining the 'who will be the greatest ass licker' Race.

6) I realized that my love for arts will always drive me. I may not be an intellectual. but I don't need that kind of a definition. I am always hungry to learn more. always willing to dance more. always singing.

7) The biggest contribution of 2011 was that it taught me to let my boyfriend be. He is who he is. And people who judge him are not important enough. He is a gem, he understands me, my soul mate. He may be different but that is what I love about him. Small fights are just a part of who we are. No one can change us as a whole. No matter how hard they try.

8) I also grew up a little. Then i saw what a miserable lot other grown ups can be. So I decided that the child within me will not die. I want to be impulsive and that is the best way to be. That way you can always hear what your inner self is saying. You do not become a crazy monster tied by routine. Every day is a fresh new day and it is always beautiful. It feels like my mother's lap.

9) I made a friend who is 10 years older to me but 5 years younger at heart. She may be leaving the office but I won't let her leave my life. She is crazy and caring all at once. It is amazing how you just click with certain people without realizing how.

10) 2011 also taught me how to stand up for myself and to value my emotions. To make sure that I don't get wronged by others just because i wanted to be polite or was to scared to stand up for myself.

So you see? I justify the years glory and I am happy it was the way it was.

2012. You have a lot to live upto. But if you take me to europe... I am sorted.

You.

There is family, there are friends.

And then there are you guys.
And you guys definitely make it in the priority list...





I am quoting my best friend because I miss her like crazy. I miss us as a group. But her, I don't even know where to begin...

Dear Best Friend,

The Delhi Winters are just not the same without you. They are not as colourful as they are supposed to be.

I remember how you would just sway every morning to college in your bright coloured muffler and multi colored socks. How we would just sit and talk all day long and muffins were all that we needed.

I want you to call me right now and force me to bunk work for some experimental paharganj like exploration.

There is so much Delhi left to be seen with you. There is so much life left to be seen with you.
There are too many memories to be created and too many to be cherished.
Too many gossips and too many realizations.

Come home. Soon.


And since I have decided to quote you, look what I found...

A hundred interpretations later, a hundred auto rides later, a hundred (apparent) shared rajma chawal meals later, a hundred messy realisations later, a thousand broke days later, a hundred money oweing escapades later, a hundred cute, happy fetishes later, a hundred tears over significant and insignificant issues later, a hundred missed classes later, a hundred bollywood trivia questions, a hundred unsaid things later, a hundred, rude but not so much, situations later, 2 boyfriends later, many friends, a hundred acquaintances later, a hundred differences but a million weird similarities later....

we have become best friends in all senses. Needless to say I cant live without her, what I don’t have she completes for me and vice versa. We’ve moved past the getting to know each other phase, we’ve moved past the formality phase, we’ve lived through pretty much everything.

If it wasn't for you, I would never be who I am today.

Love

Winter Rant: The first of it's own Kind

Remember This?

Well, for an entire week now, the universe has taken up the job with the KRA to prove me wrong. No seriously. Somewhere some crazy unacknowledged force is out there getting back on the world by tormenting the happiest winter person alive (me!).

Trust me it is so bad that someone like me has started blaming her astrological stars for the way things are turning out and the way they are completely (and violently) attacking my joy.


So it starts with a very simple off day when I drag my boyfriend to buy shoes using my parents' money. Sounds awesome? It did to me. But who knew what was going to follow. A week full of misery. Misery Misery Misery.

First to strike was the still-hurting-my-foot shoe bite. It was this huge, humongous, hurtful blotch on the back of my right ankle. Blotch by the way is just the way it looked. Wounded as I was physically, this shoe bite is the reason why I cannot wear a single pair of the two new set of pretty shoes I bought that day.

To make matters worse, the only time I wore one of them, despite being from an oh-so-expensive-apparently-trustworthy brand, the Velcro came off and the design tore. I mean all that pain for what?

Anyhoo, the shoes were returned. They are being sent to the company and I shall have another pair in a week. Meanwhile the shoe bite (yes it still exists, and itches) continues to annoy me day in and out.

But...


The mysterious force was not done yet.

Two days later, boyfriend makes me wait for three hours in a Gurgaon mall and taking advantage of the location, I decide to pamper myself. So I go to this hot looking salon. I take off my rings before I get the oh-so-bloody-expensive-but-I-deserve-it manicure.


Capricorn Boy and I leave for home and some one hour later I realize that I have forgotten to wear my rings post my manicure. Since the salon was new for me and they did not do a great job, I hadn't taken their phone number. Distress. Oh life! (For information, I wear an old ruby encrusted gold ring and a pearl silver ring, which are freakishly expensive!)

Next day I drive all the way to bloody Haryana land to find my rings. Capricorn Boy (the awesome-ness that he is) lets me ride his scooty (yes that's what I have access to) till the campus gate and I very nicely park it there as we continue our quest to retrieve my rings in my car (wanted to be in the same vehicle hello!).

Two hours of driving and fretting later, as we reach the godforsaken mall, I look for my phone (an 8 effin mega pixel camera, fantastic touchscreen) only to realize that I have left it in the scooty.

And that too in the front compartment that is open (to prying eyes).


This is even before the rings have been retrieved.

To cut a long story short, several calls to the guards on duty and the phone was retrieved half an hour later. Also a small fight with the salon receptionist and the rings were restored to their former glory.

Phew. Relief!
Or was it??

The mysterious force, the very next day decides to culminate the entire revenge (of i don't know what) in one sweet and swift Swish..

On the metro station (Gurgaon yet once more. Probably jinxed one would assume...), nature calls and I have no option but to use the Public Washroom. The Indian style loo looked more hygenic and clean. The decision is made.

The loo door does not have a latch. There is no way to hold the door.

This cannot be said in any other manner.
My phone, yes the same 8 mega pixel awesome touchscreen phone, slips from my hand into the pot. Into The Pot!!!
And since it is an Indian loo, it goes straight into the drain.

Just like that.
Not to return ever.
Just like Time.
Just like broken glass.
Just like fallen rain.
It just went.

I stood there, still holding the door, and not being able to comprehend.

I called for help but no safaiwala could reach it. The long wooden cleaning device was also of no avail.

I could hear the crazy, sadistic mysterious force laughing the devil's laugh. It stood there in it's secret hiding place, omnipresent in it's pursuit and it just pointed at me and laughed it's guts out.

I finally gave up all hope of getting my precious phone back. I finally left that wretched loo. I cursed and I cursed but what good could that do to the pre-written destiny.

Today is a new day. With a beaten down old Samsung and a horrible network connection. With a fancy coat but also with old and worn to shreds floaters rejected by my sister (shoebite remember?).

It is a new day.

I hope the forces of universe are finally in deep slumber, enjoying the weather with their victory....

I so Hope with all my heart.

About Bunking.

Aah general awesome things.

Winter sun and all that breeze.
And the will to just bunk work and relax at a friend's place. To just bunk work and sit in a coffee shop. To bunk work and watch back to back Castle episodes.
To just Bunk Work.

And then have ceasar salad. Lots of it. With mayo and not healthy dressing.

To ask boyfriend to bunk work too.
To just ask for a over long never ending winter weekend.
To go shopping with awesome student sister with exams (lucky b****). To make her bunk studying.

And the works...

So here I am.

At this junction once more. I don't know which road to take. I am headstrong but weak in my knees. I am smart and yet I am foolish enough to be standing here again. I am confident but also adequately shy to admit that.

Look.

I know I took a lot of turns. Not wrong turns but just turns.

And as it turns out that now it is the time to take the right decision. The correct path needs to be chosen right now. I don't know enough about this journey. I don't even know about the thorns on my way.

What I do know is that I need to Not lose hope.

So I am trying what one of my best friends very aptly suggested,

Dear Universe,

I know you are taking care of me. Looking out for my happiness. And I have always trusted that you will be there for me when the road is way more twisted than ever before.
This time I cannot decide for my own. I am willing to melt the hang-ups in my head. I am willing to let go of apprehensions.

Please give me strength enough to accept the decision that you put in front of me. Please let me hear my instincts and let me do what my heart really desires. Let me be right this time. Let the road be bend-free once more.

Dear Universe, let this time bear fruitful happiness. Let this second count. Let my life be full of greatness and let my joys be absolutely complete.

Om.

Crass? I know.

So I have learnt a new lesson.

I have learnt that sometimes people are not that important. Sometimes your own feelings are a priority. Just because you never expect, people just assume that you never will.

So Hi people...

You assume always that you can unload your burdens on me and feel happy about it? Well you could.

But there is a small subjectivity to this.

You have to learn to care for me as well. Nothing more. Nothing less.

You hear me out and I will take my magic wand and use it whenever you need me. You fail to listen. Well, no brownie points for you love.

Do not consider this as a disclaimer. It is not a condition that is applicable to my love for you. It is not an expectation that you HAVE TO live up to.

It is a simple attribute to the personality of people that I can call my own.

You either have it or you don't.

I won't judge you for it...

Did I judge you when you fell off the tree?
Did I judge you when you climbed that very same tree to once again bruise your knee?

I did not.

And I won't judge you for caring less either.

I would simply cease to call you my own. My brain can't process such negligible character and I cannot welcome you to kick my shins at your pleasure.

Nostalgia and all that jazz can be used time and again to drive my spirits. I can live with years and years of happy memories and not care for this unnecessary nothings.

What I cannot live with is, self absorption that you practice and preach so overwhelmingly.

Beyond that.

Well it's beyond my control.

Love.

A not too tall building.

Four floors. And a Basement.

Lots of Mirrors.
Lots of glass doors.
Lots and lots of Drama.

Music fading in and out.


Aaaah, Life!

*Dreams on*

Vroom??

So You thought you could take me for a ride?

Zoom past the meadows, polluting the fine country air. Blurring the glimpses of the world outside and also blurring the lines of time.

You thought that you could whizz past the traffic and come out in the clear?

Just steer through the unending noise and conjestion. Blowing your horn and also your trumpet.

You actually thought you are capable of that?
You actually assumed I will follow you through.
Assumed that You will impress me?

Don't bother love.

Your car isnt the type. And neither are you.

Waiting for Brrrr...

It is this weather.

I am telling you.
The minute this chill sets into the air, a crazy excitement sets in my heart. I can never be unhappy in winters. Summers are torrid. Rains are gray. But winters?
They are colourful.
They are a never ending fun filled carnival.


They creep into the nights and make my cheeks rosy in the mornings. They crawl out of their cocoon and become the butterfly of my days. They cloud the skies. The sun warms from a hazy translucent fog and feels like silk against the skin.

It brings joy.

Lots of it.

Almost Diwali

So it is almost Diwali.
I like Diwali.
It means I get a holiday. A day when my sister and I will make Rangoli all around our house. It means we will have a nice Puja, post which we will decorate the entire place with diyas and candles.

I stopped bursting crackers in 8th grade. I had signed an Anti Firecrackers Petition and I took it way too seriously.
But then last year it was different. Capricorn Boy, (being the sexy bomb that he is) lit my Diwali with phooljhadi and anar. He was the reason why the loud sound of patakhas did not bother my ears. It felt complete. And colourful.

I did not forget my oath and kept it limited. But it was a lot of fun.
It was like being 10 again.

And I am eagerly waiting for Diwali this year.

It feels like it will be fun.
:)

2010, I don't hate you...

Just realized that I had not written a word here in 2010.

I wonder why?

I think it was the whole I-will-be-an-entrepreneur phase.

I think it was also the I-am-creatively-and-emotionally-satisfied phase.

But that should never have meant that I stop writing. Nothing in this world should hamper expression. What we wish to express must always be let out, must always be said.

And there has to always be a clear demarcation between fantasy and reality. Very similar to what me and Best Fraaand discussed. Mix the two and we will be in soup. And that too clear soup where everything is visible.

Fantastic elements of my mind may never be understood by another mind. Because every mind is too caught up in it's own respective imagery. And why probe judgement when you can avoid one? It is always better to simplify things. That is the rule of nature. Complications are always unnecessary. And they hardly bear fruit.

:)

Gladiator sandals are comfortable and trendy.

Dupattas are HOT. Especially bling ones.

Of hiding Metal Keys

With due respect to adult hood. You Suck!

I want to capture the young me, the child me and store it in a big ornate box with extremely delicate and absolutely intricate carvings on the lid. I want to hide it in my wooden cupboard, lock it and hide the key. The small metal key which is easy to camouflage.

Then when I am sick of this horrible feeling of growing old, of years passing me by, of my innocence dying, of not being able to scream and cry when I want, of not being able to run bare feet, of money making, of horrid judgemental looks, of adult leeches using others like stepping stones, of people not being happy enough because of silly reasons....
... I will just reach for my hidden key and open the wooden cupboard. I will take my ornate box with delicate and intricate carvings on the lid and then I will simply dive into its velvet insides.
Purple and velvet.
Soft and comfortable.

I will imagine the insides of the box to be the insides of a genie bottle. The child in me will be the genie of the bottle and will fulfill my wishes. Three at a time...

I will ask for white snowflakes on the tip of my nose.
I will ask for a sparkling river beneath my feet.
I will ask for the last ray of the sun, right before it sets, in my hair.

*poof*

A Clean Blackoard

Markers.
And pencils.
Sharp edges of the Paper Cutter.
Paper cuts.


Erasers to erase. White Fluids to cover.
Dusters to wipe.

Ever noticed that a stain still remains?
a-stain
as-tain.
or

abstain.


Keyboard.
Keys.

Locks?
Bolts.

Nuts?

Screws. Screw ups!

Pens.
All kinds. Fountain, Ball point, Sketch, Roller.
Nibs.
Ink.
And stains.
Ink-Stains.

Inks-Tains.
Inks- tainTs.


Taint. Tainted.

Maintain.
Main-Tain...
Feign.
Free Reign.

Guiltfree.
Freeguilt.

Love.
Lots of it.



Pain. Less.
Painless.
And once again. Makers. Marked.
Markers. Marking. Markings.

Etchings.
Sketchings.

Stretchings. Of the sky.
Of Will.
Of rivers.

Clean Rivers. Running rivers.
Ran.

As I enter the money making lifestyle...

Congratulations to me.

It is not sinking in yet. But it will eventually.

The broke days are over.

Hopefully.

But there is this sense of This not being It. As in I must have better things in store for me right? It has to get better than this. It will. I will make it.

I will strive hard, no doubt. And I have a knack for transforming things that start at nothing to them becoming super fabulous. You know they always told us in our Consumer Behavior classes that an underdog who makes it large will always make it to the heart of the audience. It is like a sure shot formula to success.

And I love being that underdog. And I always make sure I make it big. Whatever I do.

So what is so different this time? I need like heavy doses of motivation but no encouraging words. I can't take it when people motivate me verbally. Other small things work for me.

I know it will all be better when I start on Monday.

And once I am into it there will be no turning back.

But all these years i was always in control of what i wanted to do and suddenly it seems that I am not. I am sure that won't be the case starting Monday.

Till then I shall divert myself by shopping and socializing.

I like it.

And yet this numb-ness.

i DISLIKE!!!

Everything.

So so so agitated right now.

Dear God,

This stopped being funny a while ago.

Chuck the practical joke for heaven's sake (no pun intended).

Abhi theek karo sab kuchh and I demand you to do it. Hunh!

Aarghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Little reds and greens...

This place. It has too much history.

Whenever I walk down the tiled pathway, a large bottle brush plant overhead just gives out That smell. That smell which reminds me about the number of times I have walked down this very same path, with houses and gardens surrounding it. This path cemented with tiles, cemented by memories...

This is the path where a young boy noticed a young girl for her beauty and couldn't hide his admiration. It is where he slowly followed her every evening, sometimes with friends but mostly alone.

It paves way for innocent hide-outs where she had someone kiss her for the first time and she didn't understand what it meant. The same hide-outs where she finally understood what it means. This is where she played hop-scotch with her girls in a pretty pleated skirt and he gazed at her from his bedroom window. She knew he was watching and he knew that she knew. The rise in pulse, the chill down her spine every time she caught him watching.

This is where she learnt how to ride a bicycle. This is where he laughed on her when she fell. This is where he picked her and dropped her home when she started crying.

These cemented tiles have seen so much. They have borne the weight of so many. And each tile tells a tale. A Romance. This is where she slipped in the rain as he watched her from his balcony. This is where she walked in the sun while waiting for him to see her. This is where her young little heart learnt it's rhythm.

And today she just walked under the bottle brush again. All over again with the man she loves. Hand in hand. And no memory of the boy who is now lost in the brazen wind, lost to her brazen heart. No heart aches and no pain. Just pure innocence. And she wants to tell him, her beloved, of who she was when she ran along the trees and let her hair free. She wants him to know how she once learned to fall in love on this very path. She wants him to see that young girl blushing.

He might not know that girl, and yet so many times when he takes her in his arms she can smell the bottle brush and feel the rain and hear the wind. And then she sings.

Which Show are you talking about?? The Show?

Slow it Down

Make it STOP...

Or else my heart is going to pop!

Just like the soda pop. Or the candy Pop. And all things that pop in general. Bodies pop and they lock and we dance. Faces pop, in and out and we talk. With or without the fun in life, or adventure, or even crazy behavior, we can learn how to POP! But there is no point of popping without the other three..

The sun is hot

in the sky...

Just like a giant spotlight!

I know That! I am center stage and I need to start the show right now. The pause is becoming more pregnant by the moment. People watching, people waiting for the performance to begin. But it's my stage. I will start when I wish to. I may or I may not. But then they don't think like that. They want to just enjoy the show...

...But that means I will have to start the show. Now That is going to happen at my convenience. Stay and watch or leave and gossip. I couldn't care less.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle,

Life is a maze and Love is a riddle.

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, I've tried

And I don't know why...

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared but I don't show it.

I cant figure it out

Its bringing me down I know

I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show...

Don' we all?? We definitely need to...

But we never do. We always engage in self pity. Let us at least watch the entire sequence to understand the context. Why jump to conclusions at all? But we never listen. We are all super impatient and super anxious. Let it take shape. Let form. Let it become something. No?

Optimism sure does come to very few of us. We presume and we decide. Too scared to take risks are we?? Too bad!

I want my money back...

I want my money back...

NO WONDER!!

Breaks into a random dance sequence. Dum de dum dudum de dum ... it feels freestyle.

Ironically no style is free! Free enough... :)

PS- Watch this... :) <3 It is extremely cute!

Extremely hilarious video just for you!

THIS is what you must watch if you are depressed.

Trust me... it worked on my best friend, who is absolutely cynical, and short tempered. Lovable but under stress. (If reading, you know you are loved!)

It made laugh till my sides started to hurt.

It is just something two girls went crazy watching in the night on a sleep-less sleepover. And what was even better?? They wanted to replicate it!

Just imagine.

We never quite valued Daler Mehndi's pop sensation days, now did we?

Anyway, Have a laugh.

Love <3

This little beaded bag that I carry...

A big part of having nothing to do, is to catch up on things that you haven't been doing.

Like cleaning your room. Or maybe just arranging the cupboard. Shopping? Lunches? Catching up on Television. Surfing social networking sites.

And then you have this huge bag, full of all the things you gather during this time...

A disappointed day.

A happy reunion.

A sad song.

An overjoyed movie ending.

A long walk down the locality roads and simultaneously down the memory lane.

A sweaty pair of tracks that you have been wearing for 5 days straight.

An extremely tasty salami sandwich that your best friend made for you on a sleepover.

A sibling fight. A bad one at that.

A boyfriend fight. Easily resolved because thank god he understands!

An hour of moping over things that could have been. Days of mulling over things that will be.

Sleepless nights. Equally sleep-full days.

Respect for nature. Respect for natural things. Respect in general.

Patience.

Overgrown eyebrows...

A glass of an extremely great tasting Margarita. And other cocktails.

A drunken escapade.

A trip to your BFF who you missed like crazy. Pedicures and shopping and dinners and general crazy behavior.

A great pair of chappals that were a steal.

Endless number of mall trips and window shopping sprees.

Cribbing over lack of finances.

Guilt over spending money.

Momos. And cupcakes.

Lap of the most wonderful person to cry in. The most amazing advise given by her.

Pauses.

Movies. Good and bad. Once and Twice.

End of an era. Start of a new one.

Salads. And Pastas!

A new Kohl pencil.

Aspirations.

Expectations.

And all that Jazz...

A mud pit is The Best place... for it is so much fun!

Arey abhi to hum chhotey bachche the???

Then what happened?

I don't know. What happened to You? I am the same. I laugh, I cry, I love and I hate with the same intensity as that of a child. Only now I don't go out to play kho-kho or chain in the evening. But that's purely because there is no one to play with. Everyone else is not caught up in a time warp like me and everyone has moved on. Most of them have bothered to grow up as well.

I wonder why though.

I love my time warp. Or I should say Time Wrap. You see it envelops me and warms me and keeps the cold out and helps me to not fall sick. It is what my mum tucks me into at night when its cold and alone. It is what I use to cover myself when cough has settled in my chest.

Abhi kya hua na...that I lost all sense of being a strong person. I lost all my super awesome confidence. I became sad. But my Time Wrap put me off to sleep. It gave me pretty dreams of days I cherish. it reminded me that there will be lots more. So if today I did not understand anything in my accountancy class, it is OK because tomorrow there is a double period. It explained that I may get too bored tomorrow and not make an effort to understand but then there will be another day, and the day after that, till final exams arrive and I will study through nights and will finally pass. Maybe with flying colors.

It reminded me that I don't wake up everyday Just for an accountancy class. It is Important, very important, and I know that. I know I will have to one day pick up my books and study very hard in order to get through. But it still is not the whole essence of my being. Not my entire day's worth. No it isn't. It is merely a paper I have to clear..

It made me dream about those who love me and believe in me.

And then I woke up, hugged my wrap and wanted to sleep again. But there was a long email waiting to be answered. An old friend waiting for lunch. A chore that needs me to finish it before I do the others. Some food to be eaten and some songs to dance on...

...a lot of mud to be played with and to be enjoyed. Lots of dirty fingernails, and a lot of light on my face.

Cool forward on my email...

We all have some super irritating email forwards. This was one of the good ones.

Got me to laugh...

Some wonderful answers given by students of same class !!!!

* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

* The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

* When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

* Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

* Clouds are high flying fogs.

* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

* Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e,i, o and u."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana ."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa .."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

Confessions...

NOT FAIR!!

My New blog got virus and stupid mails started flooding my inbox. Even though there was not much that I lost but still.

Anyway so I feel defeated. Yes yes that's the reason for me to be here. I USE writing as a let out. deal with it!!

So going back to being defeated. Well once upon a time we used worry about broken hearts and romances. But now, we need money to survive. We are out in the world, alone. And we don't want to be supported by others. If I want those ZARA heels, I want them from my own accomplishments. I want them FOR my own accomplishments.

But unfortunately I am Jobless these days. And it is my fault. Well actually the fault of being indecisive but mine nonetheless.

All those years I wanted to be a dancer. Dance was life. And then I was convinced otherwise. I was told that dancing won't fill my bank account.

So I went ahead and finished my P.G. And met the most amazing person in my life. I was convinced that being around him was all that I wanted. He wanted to be an entrepreneur and he convinced me that I will be happy being one too. And I was Happy being one. It gave me a sense of being. It defined my strengths. It was meant to be. I was happy to be building something to call my own.

And then some more lessons and wrong turns later I am back to square one. I am unemployed. All those years people convinced me that I was meant to be Big in my life. And now I don't have a penny to call my own. I am looking for a job which once I convinced myself was not meant to be for me. Working with the wrong kind of people made me doubt my capabilities to no end. And now I just feel like a big fat nobody. I want a job but I don't know what I want to be. Nothing drives my passion anymore. For the first time in my life, I have bigger problems than a sordid love affair. I feel small. I feel neglected. I feel 'not good enough'. And the more I admit the more I want to cry...

Congratulations blogosphere! You get to be the first one to hear me accept my true feelings. To witness the first time I am talking about how I really feel. This is probably the last time you will see me feel so weak but that's my story for now! I never have and I never will build a facade around my life and that's what I was trying to do for some time now. No wonder I am unhappy.

Guess what? It wasn't just the virus infected blog. It was my virus infected life!

Missing me?? Please say yes:)

Yes!

I decided to start writing again.

I am assuming people liked what I wrote. And I assume they would want to read more.

Please follow me here

http://chikchikah.blogspot.com/

Feel free to share your views. I am all ears.

:)

Love