Victory!

ENIGMA WON!!
YAY

I couldn't be happier. My team. My hard work. My everything....

I know I am not there with them but I don't care.

I Love them all. I love each second I spent as a part of it. I cherish each memory, good or bad. And today, I feel proud, elated and so bloody happy.

I can't contain my joy.

That trophy, my team deserves it.

Wooohooo!

I love my team.

Mwah!

Cravings...

I miss BITS Pilani. Enigma performed today in Razzmatazz. I hate the fact that I am here and not with them. I want to be with them, cheering, supporting, dancing.

Its like I am an old hag, retired from the glamorous life of being the president of Enigma. I miss the excitement, the adrenaline rush. It was just so bloody perfect, my life. I was with people I could fall back on, doing what I love and getting what I desired. Life was meaningful. I had the sense of motive, and satisfaction came each day. The zest never expired.

But now....Its just not there. Life has changed. People have changed. They new ones are not worth the pain and old ones are not around all the time.

Technically I should have been in Pilani. Celebrating a good performance with my team. Waiting eagerly for the results tomorrow. Clicking pictures. Running around. Eating chicken parantha. Not sleeping. Bitching about other teams. That is where my heart is.

This doesn't feel right. This place. People use you. And if you try to assert yourself, they leave you. People pretend. If you point that out to them, they find faults with you. I know thats what I will face in life, time and again. But after tasting perfection, nothing feels good enough.

PS- Popo I hope you are having fun there, and taking care of my team. I wish I could come along!

ill:(

Body ache.

Terrible one.

Drained of energy. I don't even know why.

Now generally when people feel weak they prefer their beds to sprawl on. Me on the other hand, I have lost my sleep completely. Body aches more with every attempt to sleep. Damn this stupid whatever it is!

And I don't know if I have mentioned before that I avoid allopathic medicines till the time say I am dying and there is no way out. So no chance of quick recovery. Its me and my mom's home made herbal medicines that I rely on.

Plus tomorrow is college. My stupid college that I refuse to advertise doesn't listen to excuses as to why you were absent. Again, unless you are dying, you need to attend classes, which will kill you anyway.

And the stupid infection that I have isn't even respectable enough to be written about. Its almost as if I am being punished for scatological references in my Mac Flecknoe answers. Not happy!

I came on-line looking for Capricorn Boy who I couldn't talk to because it was Sunday. Duh! And he is not even on-line. As opposed to many nights when I snored away (not really!) to glory and he was up talking to 'people' (ahem) on-line. And today only he is not here. Great! Not jealous. Result of body ache=Irritation!

Mummy!:(

I hate this. This falling ill. And that too weird wala ill!

Rose tinted glass

Arey life is beautiful again.

In fact it is outrageously fantastic.

I like this. This nice beautiful place where I am. I want to stay here only. Nothing more. Nothing less. I love it! Just like this.

And I never want to grow up. Never. Ever.

La la la la *breaks into a random bollywood song*

Come lets just dance together. Or maybe I dance and you watch. Watch me intently because my moves mean a lot more. I want to be in grassy fields stretched till the horizon while the sun is turning the sky into a palette full of colours. I want to run as fast as I can. And I want to scream. Loud enough so that the nearby mountains will echo my voice. I will scream my name. And yours. And then you can also try doing it. And we can then play hide and seek. Or maybe tag. We will be kids again.

Come with me na. Lets just go to a far away place and leave this world behind for some time. And then we will be young and restless and carefree or even careless and nobody will care. Except you and me.

*sigh*

I love life!

Why the hell is it complicated???

So bloody ambiguous?

God when do you intend to find me that boy who will just want to be with me as much as I do? And I am not asking you to send back any old flames. Capricorn boy happens to be perfect. But no! I had to drag in these complications. And he also had to be so all over the place.

Friendship cannot happen now that I know what the other side feels like. Not until I am over him, no!

What is this? This super horrible lack of coordination in what we feel. Dancing is so much easier. You just need to coordinate but you still never leave your personal styles. You are different yet you dance together, as a whole.

Why can't a relationship be like that? Maybe they are supposed to be like that and I just don't know what that feels like. Why can't men just at least try to see what wonderful people we are. But no! a little emotion drives them crazy.

A friend of mine who heard the whole I-can't-be-vulnerable-to-him-because-he-can't-handle-it-and-he-isn't-vulnerable-to-me story said something that I completely agreed with. He said that if you love someone (even as a friend) you want to be vulnerable to them. You want to share your lives with them.

I am emotional. I am complicated. But so are you. If I am going that extra mile to try and figure you out, why can't you also just try? Why the hell is it so hard? Why do you have to attach so many complications to it?

PS- Capricorn boy i did not put up what you read in my notebook in the morning on this blog because I know you don't want me to. I know that is also too much for you to 'handle'.

End??

So that's how it had to happen?

I can't believe it did.

I can't believe that I mistook your actions to be more than what they were. I can't believe that I misunderstood what you thought. I can't believe it!

You said it will work out in the beginning. I can't believe that you didn't even try. I can't believe that I never really got to know what you exactly felt.

Thank you for everything. It will always be special. But I won't make this mistake again. I won't repeat my faults.

I am not hurt. Just very very amused. And amazed. And disturbed.

I wish I made a difference to you. I wish...

Ha!

They are all the same.

Selfish!

And blind...

But I still always let them read me. And then I feel bad. They can never be there for you. They can never love as much as we can. They can never realise what they are doing to us. They can never ever be sure. They just want their way and that's all they care about.

Poor us! But its our fault. Because we let them.

And the sooner we understand how we don't mean anything to them, the better. But we never do.

They are all the same. Them who don't value us for the way we accept them.

I can't believe I let them do this to me.

Wiring problem!

Matlab hadd hai!

I don't even know what I want!

And yes this in relation to Capricorn Boy. I don't know what I want with this relationship (thats what this is, right?) And the worst of all is that I don't know what he wants. He says something but what he does conveys something else. Which one to believe now?

This is so bloody confusing na. He is so adorable. And sort of irresistible. But at the same time he has this transparent glass around him which I can't get through. He feels like a stranger yet he is so close to me. It feels so right with him but still its all wrong. Brain has all sorts of wiring disorder when it comes to him. What yaar!

I am just going to leave it now. Let it be the way it is. Stop interfering with it. I am done with being vulnerable. But it is so hard when he is around. I just cannot help wanting to be with him. And cannot help wanting to hold his hand. And hug him. And...well a lot of things.

Damn it!

Why is it so hard to let go is something I will NEVER understand.

I need sleep.

Goodnight.

*sigh*

Listening anyone?

Call me mad, call me sane

Or maybe just call me vain

Say I am pretty,

or ugly...

or just a face that you have been waiting for.

A face that you never saw before.

Call me nice

Call me bad

Call me crazy

Call me sad

Call me sweet

with a whisper in my ear

Call me out loud,

Call me near.

Just call me you my favourite boy

Just say my name in a different way

Make me different from the rest of the world

Just by what you say.

Call me mad, call me sane

Oh my beloved,

Just give me a name....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi0rivkNmQo

Mona Lisa Smile...

'Why is she smiling?

Is she happy?

Well she looks happy so what does it matter.

I cry each time i watch it. And I don't even know why.

Someone who refuses to conform is hard to find. Yet we all want to say that we are non-conformists. We all want to pretend that we live by our own rules...

Trying to be different is almost like fashion. Everyone wants to do it. Nobody wants to be stereotyped into an image. But you see its impossible to avoid.

I am not different. I think, see, feel, behave in the same manner as a lot of other people do. I look up to a lot of things and I try to copy them. I day dream and I paint castles in the air. I want to sound indifferent even when I am not. I pretend to care even when I don't. I judge. I follow. I give up. I pretend to be strong. I crave attention. I cry when I don't get it.

So why bother proving otherwise. At least I am truthful. At least I am not a hypocrite.

She is smiling because she is aware. She is smiling to mock the world. She is smiling at her own misery...or maybe of others. She is not smiling to please others any more. Just herself...

Maybe its this age!

Why does it happen that the minute you think that you have learnt your lesson in life, you make the same mistake again? They are not lying when they say that you are essentially alone in this world. Is it wrong to expect? Is it wrong to depend on people emotionally?

Perhaps it is.

Anyway, life goes on. And you learn to deal with things eventually. After all its just a stupid emotional turmoil. What harm can it do? Right??

But maybe its the influence of popular romantic culture that compels me to believe that somewhere out there someone is waiting for me. Someone whose world will revolve around me and mine will revolve around him. I keep thinking that maybe I have met him. Maybe I know him. Maybe he has a silent flame burning in his heart as well. Maybe he is also a silly romantic who wants to think about someone like me all the time. Maybe...

Silly i know.

I wish I could tell someone how much I loved him any time I wanted to. But its okay if I can't. After all you don't always get what you want.

PS- Best Fraaand back in town. Woohooo!!

Unreasonable.

Very very vulnerable.

Irritated.

Needs to be pampered. And not getting it!!!

PMS...

Hate it!

Lots of things.

Had a wonderful and an eventful week.

Missing Military Training Camp was worth it.

Capricorn boy was looking Super hot today. Stubble suits him. And the light pink shirt...never looked better on anyone else. I could just kiss him then and there. But busy boy couldnt be around for long.

Note to self- Ask him to wear the same shirt next time we go out. :) :)

Met Pugsie day before. The usual movie didn't happen but Big Chill did. Talking to her is one of the best things in the world. Might go to Sunder Nagar Diwali mela with her.

Went to see Ramleela last Sunday. The Indian Ballet has its own grace and charm. And the best part was that I met Nair sir there who was the choreographer of the performance and who also happens to be the first real teacher who taught me. The only word that may be close to defining what the performance was like is I think 'spectacular'. Transferred me into an alternate universe. The Indian form still takes the position of the most expressive form of dance in my opinion. What we call the 'bhava' (or expressions) is dealt with such an importance and grace, that it manages to deeply involve the audience with the action of the performance, especially me. I wanted to be up there dancing with them and yet I wanted to just sit there and watch without batting an eyelid.

Called up Maggie immediately after the performance and talked about how great dancing in school was. Our school had an annual ballet which was a huge deal. Being a part of these is perhaps the the thing that i miss the most about school. The stay backs for practices was probably what made us (Maggie and I) inseparable.

Tomorrow I am going to meet Enigma. Helping them with auditions for Pilani. Feels great to still be a part of it somewhere. I felt Elated when they called me for my opinion. Like Capricorn Boy says, everyone wants to be remembered after they leave. It feels fantastic that I still am a part of what is a part of me. Enigma shall always be one of the factors that changed me and made me the person I am today.

Like Weird Girl pointed out in one of those I-can't-ever-forget practice sessions in my first year, 'You give what you have to the stage, and the stage will return you a lot more.'

And it so did.

Enough!

Thats it!

I have had enough...

Enough of this stupid nonsensical pseudo whatever it is. (Avoiding being specific are we? Any help? I think not)

Brick wall... I shall re-build you. You my favourite thing in the world because when someone kicks you, they get hurt and not me. Not implying anything here. Just as a precautionary measure I shall re-build you. Today. Right now. This moment...

I don't want to ask questions. Because I don't need answers. And I don't want to give anyone the pleasure of making me feel.... obliged maybe.

Whatever man.

I miss dancing. Like crazy.

I miss my friends. The real ones. I could have met them today but mommy called me home early. I dont want to be alone. Ever! Maybe I am not. But it doesn't feel like I have company.

Unfair. I know it. And so do you. You sitting up there poking your nose in everyone's business. You know you are being unfair. And I know you want me to think that this must have some hidden benefit in the long run. But that doesn't give you the right to be so god-damn unfair!

Anyway,

more work required in life.

Peace.

(added after much thought and this)

PS- Froggy, you are my favourite girl.... You always make me happy. You really do. I can totally date you full time. Much love.

Scared? Me? No!

Look at that!

That blatant Truth staring at me... unwilling to waver it's gaze.

I am scared. Am I?

Probably not. But its just a scary thought of this Truth coming closer to me. I can't help it though. It will eventually reach up to me with those glaring Red eyes which I dread. Damn it! Where is that pile of sand which i want to bury my head into? Or that time machine which can either take me back or forward 3 months right now (does that time period ring a bell anyone?) . I don't want to face what is coming my way.

It's curiosity mixed with anticipation. Its this parallel duality of what i romanticise and... well and the truth of the present circumstances. I don't mind either to be frank. But like all those who know me well enough can guess...I cant stand not knowing or not being able to help 'it'.

So what should i do?

The Plan Of Action (POA) as of now is to just deal with it. Distract myself till this feeling dies. (distraction=sand box???)

Stop staring you horrid beast with bloodshot eyes. You might not realise it but the effect of your appearance is freaky. Go away. Or maybe attack me from behind. I am good with handling surprise attacks. But this? Not happening!

*secretly meditates*

PS-

Pugsie baby. I love you. As if you didn't know! Ha!

Is it you? It cant be me!

One hand on the steering wheel and other on the gear, as I drove back to home today, my mind raced from one vivid image to another. My brain was on 'auto pilot' as I concentrated unconsciously on the various things happening in and around my life.

The music was loud enough to block out the noise of the world outside. It was subtle enough to not invade my string of thoughts which were filling the hollow of my heart. And each time i would lose the thread, the lyrics filled my ears as if they were a part of me.

Ay hairath-e-ashiqui

Jagaaaaa mat!

Pairon se zameen, zameeeeen,

laga mat!

This is such a beautiful song. The man in love is asking the wonderful feeling to not wake him up from the dream of his rosy world. He wants to forget what lies ahead and just continue feeling what this trance of being in love is doing to him. He knows he is flying but still he wants to remain away from the ground. The ground which is the harsh reality. And hence his plea to stay airborne in this dreamlike state.

These songs affect me more when i hear them while driving alone. And they fill the gaps. Of my life and of my thoughts. I hate to admit but like everyone else, i also seek reality in art. And I always end up comparing the two. What makes it even more wonderful is the fact that because of art, one learns to appreciate the real.

The music adds to the view outside which passes me, just like a slide show of beautiful pictures, animated ones. I recollect these lines (which are the only lines i can remember) from some poem i read in fourth grade-'each a glimpse and gone forever'. That's how these scenes are. Dynamic. Ever changing.

I want to be like those school girls who are going back home, eating ice-cream, wearing their blue tunics and with that heavy bag on their back. I miss that heavy bag. It was better to carry the weight of books than carrying the weight of being an adult, the weight of lost innocence, the weight of my own thoughts. I remember craving for freedom when i was young but now I realize that I was probably never more free than i was then. I had the freedom from these mature, analytical thoughts.

Do chaar meheeno se lamho mein

umron ke hisaab bhi hote hain...

From the past few months, each second i live feels like an account of the life that i have lived and the life which will follow. The man singing the lines above talks about the beauty of growing up. He loves giving an account of his life to time which ticks without waiting for anyone. These lines remind me of a regret-less past which is the reason for me being where I am today. I don't wish to change anything about it, just like the poet.

PS-

-Happy Birthday Telepathic Bitch. We might not be as close as we once were but you will always be someone special in my life.

-Popo, you are adorable even when you are getting those mood swings. 20 messages in one day? You have defeated all my boyfriends with that. I love you.

-Capricorn boy... I am glad we met today. I wish I knew what you are thinking. And don't say you are emotion-less. You and I both know that its not true.