Resolutions that I plan to keep. Yay 2014!

Happy 2014.

Such a nice cold pretty first day. It holds a lot of promise. I hold a lot of promise to myself. So much to do. So much to learn. So much more to live. 

The start of a New year is an auspicious time. Our state of mind defines what we will be for the primary part of the coming year. It is not a superstition. It is how our thoughts work. The power of an affirmation dictates how we want to create our life in the coming year and the minute we have our wish in place, the universe responds with an affirmative too. 

So Resolutions.

And off course a list. Again.

1. Write more. 

I have too many ideas that I do not execute, or rather did not execute. This year, they are all going to be started in some way or the other. Also, I will be a little more organized and will upload something twice a week. If not here then somewhere. But twice a week will give me a deadline and heaven knows I love them.

2. Paint more.

A very small fragment of 2013 made me see how much I love painting and how much peace it brings to me. So this year I will be painting. Oils. Canvasses and walls. I will make sure I put up my work for the world to see and not hide it in my room. These are a part of my creative outlook and I will suppress it no more.

3. Go abroad.

I was told by a Jyotish when I was super young that I am meant to live my life abroad. I think back then all the astrologers predicted this for everyone, since going abroad was a huge deal. Prediction or not. Somehow, I have never managed to take a trip outside of India. That makes me feel like I am missing out on so much. I love to travel. I love finding new things. This year, I am going to ensure that I travel abroad. I have a plan, execution needs little work but it will happen.

4. Be Neat.

I started it in the last month of 2013 and I want to continue it this way. I am going to rid myself of all the dust around my room, everyday. Keep my things more organized and clean. No more negativity because I am too lazy to clean my room, and my cupboard, and my bookshelf and everything else. I have had a long run being messy and I loved it. But now, tidy me is in order.

5. Meditate. 

I will spend more time being with myself this year. I will take a break from the rat race every two days and just be with me for an hour. No TV, no laptop, no phone, and no noise. I am going to listen to music, or just sit with my eyes shut, or just exercise, or just take a walk or something that brings peace to my mind and clears it.

6. Go Beyond.

I will ensure that my Dance Venture reaches new heights this year. I will bring in a better 'Routine' for it's working and will work towards a more organized and systematic approach. People will be hired and projects will be completed. The aim is to start and successfully create at least two projects this year that will put us on the map. Beyond Routine will see light beyond it's usual horizon in 2014. 

Another  list of 6 things?

I somehow cannot think of any more resolutions, and also I am to meet a friend and her potential life partner for which I am running a little late. Talk about similar days.

Oooh not being late should be a resolution.

Bah! Let us not kid ourselves. And let us not justify this terrible habit either. Let us just try to wake up earlier than we usually do.

Peace. Positive. Light.

Bubye Twenty Thirteen

Last Day!

As I stared at my computer screen waiting to write this post, eating my sunny side up breakfast and simultaneously uploading the Reunion video, I thought about what exactly was I bidding a goodbye to. 2013 for me was a year of Beginnings. And not just any random, I will stay in shape or I will be healthy beginnings, but life changing ones.

So it is only fair that the last post of the year be a list. Because I discovered this year that I am a List Making person. I love checking them off.

1. This year was the beginning of my career, as a passionate Dance Entrepreneur. I chose not to call  myself a choreographer since that is extremely limiting as a word. Dance Entrepreneur describes me better. I make everything about dancing a part of my business and try to earn money from it. I have set out to prove that Dancing can make people rich without the harrowing Bollywood struggle. I have set out to bring a class to this profession. This path may not be the candyfloss of professions but I love it. It is my calling. It always had been.

 2. This year was a beginning of Spiritual Awakening. I still have a long way to go but I have witnessed the power of gratitude, of thoughts, of love, of smiles, of hugs, of deliberately being happy because that is the perfect state of mind. I discovered that one cannot depend on others for joy. I am working now to attain that self loving, that level of gratitude. Nevertheless my life is now Magic, where miracles take place, unicorns fly across the rainbows, nature talks to me and I cherish this life more than ever.

3. The facade of Friendship as I thought to be true was broken. This year made me see what a friendship truly means. It is not about giving and only giving. Like all relationships, there has to be a balance. I made some severe adjustments towards this balance and some not so severe this year. I made sure I spent more time with my friends no matter how busy I was. I made sure that they were not the only ones trying to understand my issues and I lent my ear when required. I patched things up. I tried to balance all this by giving up on someone very dear. I did it to make sure that my relationship with that person would not go sour. I still can't say if I succeeded.

I realized that protecting self is primary. I also understood that one cannot just make friends. It needs to happen of it's own accord. 

4. I found the importance of being an active participant of your daily life. I found out that living passively, letting each day pan out as it is supposed to is not just boring and frustrating but also not required. The minute I stepped up my game, my life took a drastic turn. I am now designing my life as I want to and not waiting for things to fall in my lap.

5. This year was the beginning of next generation for me, as I welcomed my niece Aadya into this world. She is so round, so cute and so tiny. She is the only child I can never get annoyed with. She is precious. She is mine. I can't wait for her to start talking and call me Maasi. I can't wait for her to hold my hand and start walking. I can't wait for her to start dancing, and singing, and painting, and reading. I can't wait for her to grow up and tell me about her crush. She just made me a little more responsible, a little mature.

6. This year I found out or rather admitted to myself that I can do a lot of things, and I can do them well. 

Well six is a weird number, in a list that is. I can't think of anymore though. I have tried to sort of group them logically and make them all inclusive. 

Also I am running late for Lunch with the most epic friend ever, and I cannot wait to dissect little tidbits of my travel with her.

Tomorrow? Resolutions!

Day after? More travel! Wohooo!

Beautiful Beginnings!

Two Beautiful friends. Both have given me years and years of wonderful memories and great joys. I have had my highs and lows and my friendship with the both of them have stood the test of time. And they chose the same week to tell me about the change that their life is about to undergo.

In the past few months I have to come to realize that the thread of friendship is delicate. The years that you put in, the love with which you nurture it determines it's strength. I have had many friends and most of them have been a part of my very existence, a part of my soul. Both of them included. But somewhere we had lost touch. It is surprising that we found each other again in the past few months and here I am, ready to witness them take the huge leap. I guess this is how universe works its miracles. I always knew that I will be present to hold their hands as they enter the next phase of their lives, and here I am making lists and plans. It is impossible to contain my Joy and my heart is full of happiness and warmth.

By the end of next year, God knows where I will stand and who I will be.
Once thing is certain that these two will be on their way, on a Journey that is eternal and beautiful. To tread new paths and create wonderful memories. The best part is that it will not stop them from being a part of my being. Or from me being theirs.

To those who last forever.
To those who bring smile and warmth!

Cleansing. Pondering.

The chi of my room is being cleansed with lovely incense sticks and serene music. I am loving this desk because it gives me a place to sit and write and makes me feel less lazy.

It is chilly. Reminds me that Winter is such a wonderful feeling. My room has a beautiful lantern shaped lamp that just sets the right mood. I am in this beautiful frame of mind today where I feel relaxed again. The spiritual being feels awake and lively. And I know this because of the decision I have made. 

I have decided to let go. I have decided to not get affected, to also not rush into any severe decisions.. I am going to take my time, cleanse myself and then decide if I need to close myself to protect myself. I cannot decide yet because I know my decision will be born out of anger and not reason. It is a huge step and I do not wish to regret it. 

This gets me to wonder if the love we have for our closest ones should be carefree or is unconditional love a result of constant protection of our emotions and feelings from those who transfer their negativity on to us, no matter how dear.

"It isn't until you come to a spiritual understanding of who you are that you can begin to take control."

Early bird?

Oh this neurotic behavior seems to be slowly converting into nocturnal behavior, and also apparently short term memory loss since it took me some ten minutes to remember that nocturnal was called nocturnal. Also perhaps old fashioned behavior since I didn't bother to Google it.
Clearly I have some kind of odd botheration since I haven't slept all night. And now I am sitting on my bed listening to Bhajans drifting into my window from some far away temple. It's loud and clear. Both the chanting and my frame of mind. So this is the ultimate test huh? The test of the universe it seems.

What is with narcissism?
Honestly it's bull shit!

As the dawn dawns on Delhi, it is dawning on me that it is in the end a facade. A projected image versus the real us. From today I have another thing that I don't want to be. Delusional to who I actually am. This age is another kind of a bubble. The bubble that puts us in a place where we want be that person who knows it all. So here is an acceptance that never left me, but I shall affirm it to reinforce it. I don't know everything. I am not the smartest. I am not a know it all who fits into every circle because honestly that is impossible. I am ignorant, and not afraid to learn. I won't be that person! Too many people I know are that person. And they repulse me to a large extent.

What can I say. It's a new day. I am me. I am not scared to be over loving, over caring, cheerful, enthusiastic and all those other things.

History always wins.

I have been forgetting so many lessons that life has to turn around and teach them to me all over again. But thankfully Life is very kind this time around.
I am sitting in the bed of my oldest friend and although I have known it all this while that her life has taken a 360 degree turn and it has been initiated by her, I never saw it up close. It took a conversation with her for me to realize what I had been ignoring.

There are times in this life when one wonders why people left. With this one, I had left her. Mercilessly. And today, it feels like I got her back. Her outlook to life from cynical has become beautiful. She heard my woes, told me hers. We laughed like maniacs. We danced.

Years and years of togetherness overcame the petty issues. Years that we grew up, nothing can take those away. After ages we sat and told each other truths and we did not hesitate. There was no formality as to how the other would feel. No sense of obligation. It was pure honesty. Pure Love.

I said to her, "It's so hard to finally realise that we are all alone eventually."

She said, "But we never are..."

Solitary Reaper?

Hey There.
I know I know.
I cheat on you with Dancing but I can't pick one you see. Like a lost lover I keep coming back and like an awesome friend you keep accepting me. Once more I wait at your door with my miserable head bursting with crazy over thought and yet somehow very real issues (in search for a better word).

Chalo let us reflect once on this life. It is perfect right? It makes sense. I love doing what I do and I love being who I am. Then why these pangs of unwelcome solitary feelings? I know I know, I am to be grateful for what I have and trust me you I truly feel blessed. My work is my thrill, my adventure and my life. It is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I smile all the time. My relationship is nothing short of Perfect. It keeps me going and keeps me warm and fuzzy.

Then what is this? This little void of sorts?

The missing thing that I realised as I watched back to back episodes of a very popular TV series, is extremely simple but has been my validation, my safety blanket for the longest time.
You know what they say right? If a guy meets his perfect girl he doesn't need anyone else. But a girl will always need her girlfriends. It is an emotional need for us to have our pack, our girls who just get us. And I understand why too. We need someone as neurotic, as over analytical and as patient as us who will just say that this world can get lost as long as I am here to hold your hand. Someone who does not limit their emotional ranges and are not trying to make us limit ours. Someone who doesn't need to be told why we want to stay in bed all day long and yet have them pull us out and drag us to lunch. Someone who just knows it all but doesn't constantly shove it in our faces.

And I have had that. I have had that all my growing up years. I have had the people who would just listen, analyse and go crazy with me asking the same questions and not knowing any answers, who would just take the little fragment that has been itching my brain and talk about it over and over again till it just becomes nothing and disappears. You know those who just validate everything that I do, those who even appreciate my wrongdoings in a way that is just impossible for the world to get. Those who make every little display of far fetched talent an amazing victory. The reason why I set out to do what I am doing in the first place.

We women are a self involved race. We love us. But when it comes to girlfriends, sometimes we leave our own vanity behind and put them on the pedestal because hello? Someone should. With depleting emotional cords of Romantic Love, girlfriends are what have helped us sustain this big bad world.

Well I don't know to what end this entire analogy is headed. I still can't accept it.
Last night as I lay in bed and watched that wretched TV series, I wondered what I did wrong. I wondered where I faltered.

I look at those who have it, those who just fit with each other like puzzle pieces and I tell myself over and over again that I am at my best when left alone to win my feats.

I am not sure what I want or what I think or what I mean. This entire feeling, I haven't thought about it much. In fact shoved it in the corner of my head as much as I could. But that is the exact point of contention isn't it? I am blabbering I know. But I think I am allowed to. I don't know for sure anymore. It is a limbo of sorts because this entire feeling shouldn't even exist.

"But I don't need therapy, I have you guys" 

- Carrie Bradshaw

Love.

At this point in my life, this transition, I am so blessed to have those who make it worthwhile for me.
I am grateful for this smooth movement towards a better future.
This is who I have always been at heart. This is what I never could give up. This is what I select for myself. This is my choice.

And it always has been.

My life has become so wonderful and it is a burden off my chest. My days feel like deep meditation, dhyaan. My soul begged me for four years to let it live and I kept trying to pacify it with the usual and the boring.

But now, it knows how to just let go.
It has finally found it's inner peace.

It knows how to Dance.

I am a dancer. Always have been and always will be.

Just for You!

Go on.

Victimize yourself.

There are those people who are brilliant at too many things and they have to take a pick as to what they need to explore till forever. To me it seems like you have taken your pick too. Self Victimization.

You talk of unfulfilled obligations and what not, when if you open your eyes you will see that the only debt you talk of is yours. To yourself.

Petty annoyances can be dealt with. But did you even try? You sat in one corner, in your superlative voice trying to justify all your doings while the world accepted you. You then hated the world for its eccentricities when clearly your own are far too many.

You speak of honesty as a virtue. But only when it is convenient to you.

You say the world is unfair. Maybe you need to take off those ugly smelly curtains that you use instead of eyelids and see what is the reality.

What do you know about anyone? 

When I spoke of my insecurities, instead of making it simpler, you chose to make it worse. In fact you made it about yourself. It always has to be about you. But can't you see? It always is. And it always has been. But you don't want that kind of attention. You only want what you cannot have. You want to be treated badly. You want to be man handled. Because you chose Self victimization as your forte.

Drama Queen is a word of too many shades. 

PS: Thank God I am Average. At least I am happy and content. 

Turn around. Do you see a friend??

An Open Letter

It is with utmost sense of loss, I feel the need to announce the sad demise of Intelligence.

And to be more precise, I am talking about a certain set of women who have allowed this death and permitted this tragedy.

I wish you saw that the stereotypes that all of us suffer from are your doing.

I wish you understood that you will never be left alone no matter what and mostly I wish that you would not pounce on the first guy you meet who is remotely attracted to you.

I wish you would understand that men are attracted to all walking things with boobs. You aren't special to him if he is not professed his love to you in all ways possible begging you to be with him and if he is not wearing that shining armor. If it is anything less than utmost crazy mad love without exceptions or excuses for you then he is NOT the one. You just prefer to wear a rose tinted glass around him, and as a result your intelligence just screams for breath as you silently murder it.

I wish you would not base all your faith in this moron and screw up all your other life aspects. Why do you find it so easy to let go of your family, your career, your friends, and everything important to you? Just to get an approval from this guy who isn't even worth it.

I  get to know one of you on a daily basis. And it is the same old story. Same old question of why not me? Same old blind validation that you seek from this moron who either has gone back to his old girlfriend, or was not able to convince his parents, or even who just says that this is who he is.

Please know, these are all lies that are just convenient to him. Stop holding on to this guy will you? He is a wreck and when he meets his perfect girl, please know that he will go leaps and bounds for her and you will stand watching feeling worse about yourself.

But seriously, stop being such a weakling. Stop seeking approvals. You are the reason why our civilization is not dead yet. Then stop killing your own emotional expectations. Release yourself from the clutches of an existential, cyclical non being.