The probable Diary entry of a Cynic

Dear Diary
So I went out of my way to  get out of the bed today and did everyone a favor by talking to them in a decently non pissed off manner. What was I to do? The internet stopped working right on the day I needed it the most. Obviously I was bored to death and I realized nothing good would come out of breaking my web provider's head except the dirty filth that he dares to call his brain.

So I just utilized my day off by being civil to people only because I had nothing better to do. Also when the world comes to an end, which I am sure it is going to, I don't want to have any regrets.

So you see I am a self proclaimed cynic. I live under the presumption that the entire universe is out to wrong me. I am also a narcissist and by that logic I am always right. My perception of people is always correct. Which makes me a hell of a mind reader, and I can read people's personalities like they were a Nursery rhyme. While I busy myself understanding this world around me and it's atrocities, I also blame my problems onto those who have wronged me. Like I know everything, I also know that I am screwed up. Well since knowing a problem is half of it's solution, I am extremely satisfied and I sit on my ass all day passing a commentary on those who are mostly sorted in their existence. How dare they be so sorted? They must be hiding some form of insecurity like me, and that is why they are cowards who cannot face life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't judge people. I just hate those who dare to comment on my way of living and I detest those who do not understand me. If you have a problem with the way I function, then you can sod off. I also have a soft corner for those who treat me like shit, somewhere I aspire to have that kind of power over others.

I am sarcastic, and I love the way people don't get my jokes. I am fully capable of entertaining myself by listening to stupidity of those who are inspired, who want to make their lives a dream come true. I just smoke my cigarette while others make dumb life plans which will eventually be as useless as this ash. Why don't people get that we should first learn how to stabilize our current life because that in itself will be a big enough feat. They probably don't get that we are all a part of one big Existential drama.

My family has messed me up. So have my past relationships. And also all my jobs.
But now, I love messing with people's common sense. Common sense that is extremely rare.

But don't pity me, I have a ton of friends who love to get drunk with me and we party like animals all the time.

I am bored now.
----

Pheww! The negativity of our generation crosses my path on a daily basis. But sometimes, a single encounter with a Cynic can force a post like the above from a person like me. They are very charming and entertaining as people. They are also quite interesting as well as extremely hilarious. I wondered if I would be able to talk like the way they do. Above is an attempt.
Some of the lines are actual sentences which this person said to me in a single conversation. I have tried my best to recreate what I felt, and have tried my best to not let my own judgement come into play. Whatever sarcasm there might be, is just an after effect.

Love. :) :)

Whispering a few nothings!

I take a little bit of Me everyday and I put Me in a furnace so that I can come out solid and gold. It is a process of gaining strength, realizing dreams and becoming worthy everyday. I pick out those parts that hurt and I replace them with love. I pick out the things I don't like about me and I work towards making a change. It is an active participation with my own being. 

----

I was running in the cold winter fog on a cold January morning and all I could hear was the thump of my feet and the thump of my heart. It was slowly getting tough to breathe and my mouth felt dry, but I did not want to stop. He slowly caught up with me and started jogging by my side. His breath was also shallow. 

How much more?

I just nodded for I did not want to make an effort and waste any energy by speaking.

He understood that I wasn't stopping anytime soon.

---

The blanket was warm and the incense was strong. The steam from a plateful of yummy meal was an exciting prospect. But reaching out would mean taking my hand out of the blanket and exposing it to the cold.

This seems to be the only conflict of my mind this season.

---

The cold wind negated the strong sunlight. The green of the garden grass was lined with red flowers. The Green of my inner peace is also lined by Red emotions. They are fragrant, yes. But they are not as beautiful as the flowers of the garden, they do not add drama.

---

Her words were confident but her eyes looked towards the right. She almost had me believe her but she doesn't know that I am a reader. Of faces. I keenly observed the meaning of what she may be referring to. Her voice pitch told me about her delusions. She can lie to this world, even to herself. But her emotions don't. They never do.

---

Phlegm phlegm phlegm

:D

The Happy Post!

A lot of people on social media are engaging in the 100 happy days activity and I simply adore the little things that are are being uploaded on a daily basis. It is such a simple little concept with so much power. It is teaching us to notice the little things that bring us joy, and helping us to cherish them. 

Inspired from the same, I thought of doing a List of things that are making me ecstatic right now.

Let's begin.

1. Working after a long travel spree. 

Just going nuts with work, planning, new ideas and fresh concepts. It feels like my entire existence is one big rejuvenation process right now, because my work is therapeutic. Loving every bit of it. Dreaming big and working towards making them come true. Such bliss.

2. My Room.

I love it. Every bit of it. This is my sanctuary, my get away from the world. The new setting, the paintings, the camphor, the carpet are just perfect. The old elements like my cupboard, my book rack and my dressing table add to the perfection. Just need yellow lights for the mirror and I am sorted.

3. The Boy

I don't know how it happened but something just changed during this trip. It feels like a whole new discovery, a fresh experience altogether. I am not scared anymore, not worried about the Tomorrow. The fact that we have lasted this long and it still feels new makes me believe in my relationship more and more. The test of time has made us stronger. It has led me far away from my doubts. 

4. The Party

Birthday month, and my Birthday Eve Dinner get together that is slowly taking the form of a party. And I haven't even invited everyone yet. The best part is that my parents are a major part of such gatherings. My kind of people, my kind of fun. I cannot wait for it.  I will miss the boy. I become a crazy happy person around my Birthday and this year is no different. Super Hyper Excited!

5. The Regime

The upcoming weddings call for the let-us-get-thin pledge once again. My ma has this amazing diet chart that I am following which is not crazy harsh. Plus the exercise routine is super fun. This time we also have a fitness log to keep track. Super Duper fun times are here. Wohooo!

7. The Post Reunion Work

The family Reunion has left me with a lot of fun videos and pictures. Editing them, collating them and uploading them for the family has become an obsession of sorts. I love the reactions. I love the interaction. I Love it all. 

8. The people to meet

I loved the fact that some of my friends missed me so much when I was gone that they would regularly check on when I would be back. Cannot wait to meet them and talk. Endlessly. There is a new house to be warmed. There is a sleepover with an old friend. There is a Wedding Plan to be worked on. There is too much love to be enjoyed.

9. The Therapy

The upcoming session is going to be long and fun. Too much dissection and analysis needs to be done. I don't think I have ever been this excited to meet my therapist and for a cleansing session. I don't know why but the idea of a nonstop conversation followed by a meditative slumber sounds like the best thing in this world right now. 

10. The Painting

The colours are giving me a head rush. So empowering this is. Just emptying your thoughts, your ideas, your energies onto a canvas. It is pure perfection.

11. The Book

This is one permanent happy part of my life. One book or the other. Always. Right now it is Scarlett, one of my most favourite. Love the fact that this is a permanent source of happiness.

12. The Series

Back to back episodes of Lie to me. In love with Tim Roth all over again. Going to get the book by Paul Ekman that is an inspiration for this super awesome series. 

13. The writing project

It is very basic right now, and needs a lot of work. Working on it makes me happy!!!

14. The Plan

That will take me abroad this year. Big Smile.

So that is that I guess. I haven't stopped smiling even for a second while writing this post. Jaw hurts. In a happy way. Such an exciting life this is. 

Take love!

Pune is a beautiful place. The weather is perfect this time of the year and it makes me want to take long walks, read books in coffee shops and be with myself. I am staying with my college going cousin in her shared accommodation and she has been kind enough to sleep on the floor bedding and give me her bed. It feels like I am a part of her college life, living it vicariously through her. It is wonderful. 

I have a beautiful golden tan from my trip to Goa that I love. However now it is beginning to make my skin a little dry. I cannot wait to get back to My Delhi but I still have a few days left.

It is the Birthday month. I love my birthday month in Delhi, but Pune and Goa are also great places to spend the first half of January. The day I get back, I have a long list of celebration like things planned for me. A few sleepovers, a few small evening fun get together kind of things, a few lunches and a few dinners. I am excited about January mostly. 

She said that this is the year of transformation. I agreed without thinking but I think I know what she meant now. That is great.

He feels saddened by certain references in my writing. He is the only one who seems to care. He is going to be writing me a birthday note. 

She can't wait for me to get back so that we can spend hours deciding the details and making lists. 

They are hoping to receive several mails from me in the next few hours. They are working harder than I hoped in the past few weeks.

 

He says he will miss me when I go back. I believe his eyes more than his words. 

Meditate.

Extremes of the first week.

What a Week!

Goa. A place that I never want to leave. Nature works in such miraculous ways to create experiences that can only be felt. I cannot ever put into words how that place makes me feel.
I love the sea, the sand and the sun.

This was my second trip to Goa, much different from the first and yet it completely refreshed my outlook towards life all over again. I went for a friend's wedding, and I returned feeling even more hooked to the sea. There is something about Goa's air that relaxes me instantly. I seriously wonder about the idea that people go there to get drunk and get high. Both times I went, I did not even need a fragment of intoxication. The experience in itself was my biggest high.



On a completely different tangent, this first week brought a very important and a very beautiful friendship to an end. A friendship that I took a lot of pride in while it lasted. It feels like the end of an era. I know we all change and we move on. However I know I will always remember this one for some of the most warm, most exciting and some really crazy yet heartfelt times. It leaves a huge void in my being but I will ensure that this is filled with cherished memories rather than hurt.

Despite the turmoil, I am grateful for the lessons that I learnt on my way. One thing that I will always remember is that eternal lesson which I have been trying to learn forever now. I can not ever change others, it is me who needs to accept change and work with it. I am learning to work with feedback however harsh it may be.

Thankfully the vacation gave me ample time to rid myself of extreme reactions.
Ironically, I was meant to see Goa with that friend.

:)
Universe. Thank you for light.


PS: My love for lists makes me love this little piece.
http://elitedaily.com/life/100-resolutions-every-20-something-should-make-in-order-to-be-happier/