Truth.

What I seek is peace. Always have.

Now, I also seek the truth. 

The truth is contradictory to commitment. It is harsh but it is true. Eventually the truth is what matters. Everyone has to let go of all that they depend on, someday or the other, in order to respect the truth.

Does truth bring peace? I don't know yet. I will find out soon.

On a completely different tangent, cool air and scented breeze. Complete bliss.

Day dreaming and the works,

:)

Garb-ed.

Why do my ears ring in silence?

I think it is because they are too used to the noise around all the time. I am too. Noise and Chaos are such a huge part of my life, I love them.

I read somewhere that everyone can find peace in solitude and silence. We should be like Krishna who urges you to find it in the middle of Kurukshetra.

Running around my mind are a million thoughts. This is the first time in a long time I feel less satisfied and very very restless. Kurukshetra awaits me it seems but I just don't know how to reach it. What if I lose my track and never make it to the war? Instead I end up somewhere else, some far away land where they don't even know about the war. I sound like an Ostrich right now. A pretty Ostrich but an escapist nonetheless.

I usually tame the bull by it's horn. Usually. This time the bull is emitting fire. Dragon Bull!

I want to clean up my room but somehow I don't.

Today I purposely bunked dance class. I never bunk class but today I did. Almost as if the reason I go at all is him. I would've gone for a different class you know, and I almost did also. But today I just needed me to be not me and be someone else. I am trying on my sister's garb in the first half of the day and will resume my own at around 3.

PS- Must move out Next month. Somehow it will happen.

I am doing it. Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Me and my new cat. 

2016

What? Is it 2016 already?
I have not written on this for so long I think I have forgotten what it feels like to be able to write a blog and have people read it and react to it. I have become what I think should be called a Secretive Writer.
And I am actually going back to my sentences and judging them. I may have deteriorated over time. I may have become more of an impulse writer. Less coherent, more candid.

What is funny is that today I feel so restless that I have decided to do everything in my power to get rid of my madness. This blog is a result of madness too. I am not the person who voluntarily pulls on her own hair anymore (thank god) and I know what anxiety feels like. This is not that.

I have this feeling that my entire being is heading towards some great event but I, for the love of god have no idea what it is.

I am being me and labeling it as an existential crisis.

I am so jittery all the time and only very few things can calm me down. It is so random, so arbitrary that I cannot put my finger on what this is the result of. Clearly distractions are not working and neither is eating junk (that is in fact a good thing).

Having said that, I think I am going to make some drastic life alterations.
Let us see if I can.


PS: I think I will get a cat this year.

This past week has been such a revelation.
All these years I have given so much importance to such petty issues. They felt quite big to me, some of them still do. I exaggerated and I lied and I felt justified in doing so. I learnt but I still fibbed. The habit is hard to give up. Today as I look back to all those times when I couldn't just tell a tale without my additional context, or I made up a rumour or I saved my ego by a simple white lie, I cannot help but compare those times to this past one week.

There are lives changing. There are relationships that are falling apart. I don't mean superficial love affairs. I mean real marriages. Marriages with children. Ego clashes and defense mechanisms. The fight to be above everyone else. It is crazy.

Last week when I whined about the number of close people taking the leap, I had no idea that there will be close people breaking it off, giving up. It is such a confusing generation, such a confused set of people.

I recently read something that touched my heart and inspired a fresh perspective. It talked about how this life is about experiences. How we are all here to witness these everyday and how we must cherish them for what they are. It is a learning, a journey. And then I witness these sad, futile and disturbing tales. In their rush they cannot even see the larger picture. They cannot count their blessings. They cannot even breathe deeply and enjoy the freshness of the air that may help them out of their anger. Help is always around the corner when you need it. But when one refuses to budge, there can be no help, there can be no gratefulness, there can be no permanent joy.

Bless them Universe. Please help them find their destiny.

And today.
I miss you.

Just you for who you are.
Just you for what you gave me.

I ran to you when I missed others.
Who do I go to now?

I wish I could for once have you listen. I wish for once I could have you understand.

Love.

It is so funny the way these sounds of a celebration in the house next door are sweeping in through my window. It is a celebration of a new born baby boy. It makes me think of the time that I have spent here, staying in this campus.

There are these distinct memories of the boy's father that I hold deep within my heart. He was a lot of my firsts. These memories hold such a romantic innocence, such a vivid image of the sun kissed days and the breezy nights of my childhood.

I don't know what to feel. I look back with a lot of fondness and nostalgia. I remember the little girl madly in love when I think of him. The things he once said to me, are a huge part of what I assume to be Romance.

And now he is a father.
That is it.

Doodle Dee and Doodle Dum

La la la 

Singing songs today.

What a happy happy day. Balle Balle.

Schedule tight, me and my might

Putting up a fight? 

Thats right!

Pathetic poetry is happening.

Balle Balle.

What an awesome awesome day.

Random post celebrating the new title, just like a doodle.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Balle Balle...

Also,

"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

Balle Balle!

Brrrrruaaaaaaaaaah!!