NOT intellectual enough!!

Skinny fit You!

2012-01-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Black Skinny Fit Denims.

I never realized how uncomfortable you were when you had just entered the fashion world. The low waist was such a thrill that I completely ignored how hard it was to manage. Maybe it was because we hit it off instantly.

We laughed and cried and were companions for a long time.

And then you became the brutal source of pain as it were and you stopped fitting me.

My reality came crashing down. I was shattered.

As I was lost in the desert of side fat and thigh flab, you laughed at me each time I opened my cupboard.

And then I found your counterpart, your evil twin, the dark blue, hide-all-my-fat denims that may be the same size but were more 'open' in their outlook. I got comfortable with them. They were addictive. Just like Chinese food.

They were like my second skin but they weren't skin fit. Irony, that life is.

And Now, years later, that you finally fit, that I finally rediscovered you, I realize that you are super duper (risking repetition!) Uncomfortable.

You may be that

You may not hide my side flesh. You may be so low (literally) that I am scared to even sit down.

And I may have to think a dozen times before going to the loo...

But you most definitely make my behind look super duper hot.

And that my friend, makes up for all your disabilities.

I knew I would overpower you one day.

And I just did.

Ha!

Dew drops...

2012-01-24T03:25:00.000-08:00

Ambiguity has become a virtue in it's own right.

Yeah it is definitely a part of my routine existence.

Karol Bagh is a new found significant place. It is definitely on my bling list.

Finding new people is and has always been such a fantastic experience.

And nowadays it is becoming a nice little refreshing thing to do. The amount of variety in itself is a massive amusement. And it is definitely a fantastic feeling.

The tingle-some, ticklish morning dew. The fresh, musty, foggy day.

Simple living is creeping it's way through my life. And so is an elaborate rustic feeling of my magical reality. The connection of me with my own string of thought.

I absolutely adore.

2011-12-30T21:36:00.000-08:00

So what is this I keep hearing about 2011 being a bad year??

How can an entire year be bad? The world I assume is full of pessimistic people.

So in this last entry of 2011, I shall very aptly jot down all important-worth mentioning-awesome things that 2011 got for me. And also awesome stuff I learnt from it...

1) Best friends are best friends and shall always remain so. We make loads of great friends but 2011 led me to understand even more that there are those certain special ones that become your family, that just are a part of you.

2) 2011 was the year of the roller-coaster. Life took me for a ride and I loooved it. The highs, the lows, the terrible, all came and left and my spirit remained as full as it ever was. I learnt that the rides last only for a while and later we just bathe in the awesome courage that got us through.

3) I have the best parents ever. 'They' say you can't choose you parents. Well then 'they' must trust the choices that the universe has made for them. 2011 also taught me how hard it is for them to handle us at times.

4) I learnt that I am bloody awesome at what I do. I got a job. I thought I will suck at it. But I was wrong. I am not just good at it but I also am better than loads who have been doing it for more time than me.

5) I learnt that I do not want to continue doing what I do for long. I enjoy it, I do. But it just isn't who I want to be. The corporate crackpot isn't my aim in life. And nor am I interested in joining the 'who will be the greatest ass licker' Race.

6) I realized that my love for arts will always drive me. I may not be an intellectual. but I don't need that kind of a definition. I am always hungry to learn more. always willing to dance more. always singing.

7) The biggest contribution of 2011 was that it taught me to let my boyfriend be. He is who he is. And people who judge him are not important enough. He is a gem, he understands me, my soul mate. He may be different but that is what I love about him. Small fights are just a part of who we are. No one can change us as a whole. No matter how hard they try.

8) I also grew up a little. Then i saw what a miserable lot other grown ups can be. So I decided that the child within me will not die. I want to be impulsive and that is the best way to be. That way you can always hear what your inner self is saying. You do not become a crazy monster tied by routine. Every day is a fresh new day and it is always beautiful. It feels like my mother's lap.

9) I made a friend who is 10 years older to me but 5 years younger at heart. She may be leaving the office but I won't let her leave my life. She is crazy and caring all at once. It is amazing how you just click with certain people without realizing how.

10) 2011 also taught me how to stand up for myself and to value my emotions. To make sure that I don't get wronged by others just because i wanted to be polite or was to scared to stand up for myself.

So you see? I justify the years glory and I am happy it was the way it was.

2012. You have a lot to live upto. But if you take me to europe... I am sorted.

You.

2011-12-22T23:25:00.000-08:00

There is family, there are friends.

And then there are you guys.
And you guys definitely make it in the priority list...

I am quoting my best friend because I miss her like crazy. I miss us as a group. But her, I don't even know where to begin...

Dear Best Friend,

The Delhi Winters are just not the same without you. They are not as colourful as they are supposed to be.

I remember how you would just sway every morning to college in your bright coloured muffler and multi colored socks. How we would just sit and talk all day long and muffins were all that we needed.

I want you to call me right now and force me to bunk work for some experimental paharganj like exploration.

There is so much Delhi left to be seen with you. There is so much life left to be seen with you.
There are too many memories to be created and too many to be cherished.
Too many gossips and too many realizations.

Come home. Soon.

And since I have decided to quote you, look what I found...

A hundred interpretations later, a hundred auto rides later, a hundred (apparent) shared rajma chawal meals later, a hundred messy realisations later, a thousand broke days later, a hundred money oweing escapades later, a hundred cute, happy fetishes later, a hundred tears over significant and insignificant issues later, a hundred missed classes later, a hundred bollywood trivia questions, a hundred unsaid things later, a hundred, rude but not so much, situations later, 2 boyfriends later, many friends, a hundred acquaintances later, a hundred differences but a million weird similarities later....

we have become best friends in all senses. Needless to say I cant live without her, what I don’t have she completes for me and vice versa. We’ve moved past the getting to know each other phase, we’ve moved past the formality phase, we’ve lived through pretty much everything.

If it wasn't for you, I would never be who I am today.

Love

Winter Rant: The first of it's own Kind

2011-12-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

Remember This?

Well, for an entire week now, the universe has taken up the job with the KRA to prove me wrong. No seriously. Somewhere some crazy unacknowledged force is out there getting back on the world by tormenting the happiest winter person alive (me!).

Trust me it is so bad that someone like me has started blaming her astrological stars for the way things are turning out and the way they are completely (and violently) attacking my joy.

So it starts with a very simple off day when I drag my boyfriend to buy shoes using my parents' money. Sounds awesome? It did to me. But who knew what was going to follow. A week full of misery. Misery Misery Misery.

First to strike was the still-hurting-my-foot shoe bite. It was this huge, humongous, hurtful blotch on the back of my right ankle. Blotch by the way is just the way it looked. Wounded as I was physically, this shoe bite is the reason why I cannot wear a single pair of the two new set of pretty shoes I bought that day.

To make matters worse, the only time I wore one of them, despite being from an oh-so-expensive-apparently-trustworthy brand, the Velcro came off and the design tore. I mean all that pain for what?

Anyhoo, the shoes were returned. They are being sent to the company and I shall have another pair in a week. Meanwhile the shoe bite (yes it still exists, and itches) continues to annoy me day in and out.

But...

The mysterious force was not done yet.

Two days later, boyfriend makes me wait for three hours in a Gurgaon mall and taking advantage of the location, I decide to pamper myself. So I go to this hot looking salon. I take off my rings before I get the oh-so-bloody-expensive-but-I-deserve-it manicure.

Capricorn Boy and I leave for home and some one hour later I realize that I have forgotten to wear my rings post my manicure. Since the salon was new for me and they did not do a great job, I hadn't taken their phone number. Distress. Oh life! (For information, I wear an old ruby encrusted gold ring and a pearl silver ring, which are freakishly expensive!)

Next day I drive all the way to bloody Haryana land to find my rings. Capricorn Boy (the awesome-ness that he is) lets me ride his scooty (yes that's what I have access to) till the campus gate and I very nicely park it there as we continue our quest to retrieve my rings in my car (wanted to be in the same vehicle hello!).

Two hours of driving and fretting later, as we reach the godforsaken mall, I look for my phone (an 8 effin mega pixel camera, fantastic touchscreen) only to realize that I have left it in the scooty.

And that too in the front compartment that is open (to prying eyes).

This is even before the rings have been retrieved.

To cut a long story short, several calls to the guards on duty and the phone was retrieved half an hour later. Also a small fight with the salon receptionist and the rings were restored to their former glory.

Phew. Relief!
Or was it??

The mysterious force, the very next day decides to culminate the entire revenge (of i don't know what) in one sweet and swift Swish..

On the metro station (Gurgaon yet once more. Probably jinxed one would assume...), nature calls and I have no option but to use the Public Washroom. The Indian style loo looked more hygenic and clean. The decision is made.

The loo door does not have a latch. There is no way to hold the door.

This cannot be said in any other manner.
My phone, yes the same 8 mega pixel awesome touchscreen phone, slips from my hand into the pot. Into The Pot!!!
And since it is an Indian loo, it goes straight into the drain.

Just like that.
Not to return ever.
Just like Time.
Just like broken glass.
Just like fallen rain.
It just went.

I stood there, still holding the door, and not being able to comprehend.

I called for help but no safaiwala could reach it. The long wooden cleaning device was also of no avail.

I could hear the crazy, sadistic mysterious force laughing the devil's laugh. It stood there in it's secret hiding place, omnipresent in it's pursuit and it just pointed at me and laughed it's guts out.

I finally gave up all hope of getting my precious phone back. I finally left that wretched loo. I cursed and I cursed but what good could that do to the pre-written destiny.

Today is a new day. With a beaten down old Samsung and a horrible network connection. With a fancy coat but also with old and worn to shreds floaters rejected by my sister (shoebite remember?).

It is a new day.

I hope the forces of universe are finally in deep slumber, enjoying the weather with their victory....

I so Hope with all my heart.

About Bunking.

2011-11-28T23:56:00.000-08:00

Aah general awesome things.

Winter sun and all that breeze.
And the will to just bunk work and relax at a friend's place. To just bunk work and sit in a coffee shop. To bunk work and watch back to back Castle episodes.
To just Bunk Work.

And then have ceasar salad. Lots of it. With mayo and not healthy dressing.

To ask boyfriend to bunk work too.
To just ask for a over long never ending winter weekend.
To go shopping with awesome student sister with exams (lucky b****). To make her bunk studying.

And the works...

2011-11-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

So here I am.

At this junction once more. I don't know which road to take. I am headstrong but weak in my knees. I am smart and yet I am foolish enough to be standing here again. I am confident but also adequately shy to admit that.

Look.

I know I took a lot of turns. Not wrong turns but just turns.

And as it turns out that now it is the time to take the right decision. The correct path needs to be chosen right now. I don't know enough about this journey. I don't even know about the thorns on my way.

What I do know is that I need to Not lose hope.

So I am trying what one of my best friends very aptly suggested,

Dear Universe,

I know you are taking care of me. Looking out for my happiness. And I have always trusted that you will be there for me when the road is way more twisted than ever before.
This time I cannot decide for my own. I am willing to melt the hang-ups in my head. I am willing to let go of apprehensions.

Please give me strength enough to accept the decision that you put in front of me. Please let me hear my instincts and let me do what my heart really desires. Let me be right this time. Let the road be bend-free once more.

Dear Universe, let this time bear fruitful happiness. Let this second count. Let my life be full of greatness and let my joys be absolutely complete.

Om.

Crass? I know.

2011-11-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

So I have learnt a new lesson.

I have learnt that sometimes people are not that important. Sometimes your own feelings are a priority. Just because you never expect, people just assume that you never will.

So Hi people...

You assume always that you can unload your burdens on me and feel happy about it? Well you could.

But there is a small subjectivity to this.

You have to learn to care for me as well. Nothing more. Nothing less.

You hear me out and I will take my magic wand and use it whenever you need me. You fail to listen. Well, no brownie points for you love.

Do not consider this as a disclaimer. It is not a condition that is applicable to my love for you. It is not an expectation that you HAVE TO live up to.

It is a simple attribute to the personality of people that I can call my own.

You either have it or you don't.

I won't judge you for it...

Did I judge you when you fell off the tree?
Did I judge you when you climbed that very same tree to once again bruise your knee?

I did not.

And I won't judge you for caring less either.

I would simply cease to call you my own. My brain can't process such negligible character and I cannot welcome you to kick my shins at your pleasure.

Nostalgia and all that jazz can be used time and again to drive my spirits. I can live with years and years of happy memories and not care for this unnecessary nothings.

What I cannot live with is, self absorption that you practice and preach so overwhelmingly.

Beyond that.

Well it's beyond my control.

Love.

2011-11-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

A not too tall building.

Four floors. And a Basement.

Lots of Mirrors.
Lots of glass doors.
Lots and lots of Drama.

Music fading in and out.

Aaaah, Life!

*Dreams on*

Vroom??

2011-11-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

So You thought you could take me for a ride?

Zoom past the meadows, polluting the fine country air. Blurring the glimpses of the world outside and also blurring the lines of time.

You thought that you could whizz past the traffic and come out in the clear?

Just steer through the unending noise and conjestion. Blowing your horn and also your trumpet.

You actually thought you are capable of that?
You actually assumed I will follow you through.
Assumed that You will impress me?

Don't bother love.

Your car isnt the type. And neither are you.

Waiting for Brrrr...

2011-10-25T02:09:00.000-07:00

It is this weather.

I am telling you.
The minute this chill sets into the air, a crazy excitement sets in my heart. I can never be unhappy in winters. Summers are torrid. Rains are gray. But winters?
They are colourful.
They are a never ending fun filled carnival.

They creep into the nights and make my cheeks rosy in the mornings. They crawl out of their cocoon and become the butterfly of my days. They cloud the skies. The sun warms from a hazy translucent fog and feels like silk against the skin.

It brings joy.

Lots of it.

Almost Diwali

2011-10-24T04:39:00.000-07:00

So it is almost Diwali.
I like Diwali.
It means I get a holiday. A day when my sister and I will make Rangoli all around our house. It means we will have a nice Puja, post which we will decorate the entire place with diyas and candles.

I stopped bursting crackers in 8th grade. I had signed an Anti Firecrackers Petition and I took it way too seriously.
But then last year it was different. Capricorn Boy, (being the sexy bomb that he is) lit my Diwali with phooljhadi and anar. He was the reason why the loud sound of patakhas did not bother my ears. It felt complete. And colourful.

I did not forget my oath and kept it limited. But it was a lot of fun.
It was like being 10 again.

And I am eagerly waiting for Diwali this year.

It feels like it will be fun.
:)

2010, I don't hate you...

2011-09-22T01:39:00.001-07:00

Just realized that I had not written a word here in 2010.

I wonder why?

I think it was the whole I-will-be-an-entrepreneur phase.

I think it was also the I-am-creatively-and-emotionally-satisfied phase.

But that should never have meant that I stop writing. Nothing in this world should hamper expression. What we wish to express must always be let out, must always be said.

And there has to always be a clear demarcation between fantasy and reality. Very similar to what me and Best Fraaand discussed. Mix the two and we will be in soup. And that too clear soup where everything is visible.

Fantastic elements of my mind may never be understood by another mind. Because every mind is too caught up in it's own respective imagery. And why probe judgement when you can avoid one? It is always better to simplify things. That is the rule of nature. Complications are always unnecessary. And they hardly bear fruit.

Gladiator sandals are comfortable and trendy.

Dupattas are HOT. Especially bling ones.

Of hiding Metal Keys

2011-09-20T05:08:00.000-07:00

With due respect to adult hood. You Suck!

I want to capture the young me, the child me and store it in a big ornate box with extremely delicate and absolutely intricate carvings on the lid. I want to hide it in my wooden cupboard, lock it and hide the key. The small metal key which is easy to camouflage.

Then when I am sick of this horrible feeling of growing old, of years passing me by, of my innocence dying, of not being able to scream and cry when I want, of not being able to run bare feet, of money making, of horrid judgemental looks, of adult leeches using others like stepping stones, of people not being happy enough because of silly reasons....
... I will just reach for my hidden key and open the wooden cupboard. I will take my ornate box with delicate and intricate carvings on the lid and then I will simply dive into its velvet insides.
Purple and velvet.
Soft and comfortable.

I will imagine the insides of the box to be the insides of a genie bottle. The child in me will be the genie of the bottle and will fulfill my wishes. Three at a time...

I will ask for white snowflakes on the tip of my nose.
I will ask for a sparkling river beneath my feet.
I will ask for the last ray of the sun, right before it sets, in my hair.

*poof*

A Clean Blackoard

2011-09-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Markers.
And pencils.
Sharp edges of the Paper Cutter.
Paper cuts.

Erasers to erase. White Fluids to cover.
Dusters to wipe.

Ever noticed that a stain still remains?
a-stain
as-tain.
or

abstain.

Keyboard.
Keys.

Locks?
Bolts.

Nuts?

Screws. Screw ups!

Pens.
All kinds. Fountain, Ball point, Sketch, Roller.
Nibs.
Ink.
And stains.
Ink-Stains.

Inks-Tains.
Inks- tainTs.

Taint. Tainted.

Maintain.
Main-Tain...
Feign.
Free Reign.

Guiltfree.
Freeguilt.

Love.
Lots of it.

Pain. Less.
Painless.
And once again. Makers. Marked.
Markers. Marking. Markings.

Etchings.
Sketchings.

Stretchings. Of the sky.
Of Will.
Of rivers.

Clean Rivers. Running rivers.
Ran.

As I enter the money making lifestyle...

2011-09-07T09:27:00.001-07:00

Congratulations to me.

It is not sinking in yet. But it will eventually.

The broke days are over.

Hopefully.

But there is this sense of This not being It. As in I must have better things in store for me right? It has to get better than this. It will. I will make it.

I will strive hard, no doubt. And I have a knack for transforming things that start at nothing to them becoming super fabulous. You know they always told us in our Consumer Behavior classes that an underdog who makes it large will always make it to the heart of the audience. It is like a sure shot formula to success.

And I love being that underdog. And I always make sure I make it big. Whatever I do.

So what is so different this time? I need like heavy doses of motivation but no encouraging words. I can't take it when people motivate me verbally. Other small things work for me.

I know it will all be better when I start on Monday.

And once I am into it there will be no turning back.

But all these years i was always in control of what i wanted to do and suddenly it seems that I am not. I am sure that won't be the case starting Monday.

Till then I shall divert myself by shopping and socializing.

I like it.

And yet this numb-ness.

2011-08-25T07:24:00.000-07:00

i DISLIKE!!!

Everything.

So so so agitated right now.

Dear God,

This stopped being funny a while ago.

Chuck the practical joke for heaven's sake (no pun intended).

Abhi theek karo sab kuchh and I demand you to do it. Hunh!

Aarghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Little reds and greens...

2011-08-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

This place. It has too much history.

Whenever I walk down the tiled pathway, a large bottle brush plant overhead just gives out That smell. That smell which reminds me about the number of times I have walked down this very same path, with houses and gardens surrounding it. This path cemented with tiles, cemented by memories...

This is the path where a young boy noticed a young girl for her beauty and couldn't hide his admiration. It is where he slowly followed her every evening, sometimes with friends but mostly alone.

It paves way for innocent hide-outs where she had someone kiss her for the first time and she didn't understand what it meant. The same hide-outs where she finally understood what it means. This is where she played hop-scotch with her girls in a pretty pleated skirt and he gazed at her from his bedroom window. She knew he was watching and he knew that she knew. The rise in pulse, the chill down her spine every time she caught him watching.

This is where she learnt how to ride a bicycle. This is where he laughed on her when she fell. This is where he picked her and dropped her home when she started crying.

These cemented tiles have seen so much. They have borne the weight of so many. And each tile tells a tale. A Romance. This is where she slipped in the rain as he watched her from his balcony. This is where she walked in the sun while waiting for him to see her. This is where her young little heart learnt it's rhythm.

And today she just walked under the bottle brush again. All over again with the man she loves. Hand in hand. And no memory of the boy who in now lost in the brazen wind, lost to her brazen heart. No heart aches and no pain. Just pure innocence. And she wants to tell him, her beloved, of who she was when she ran along the trees and let her hair free. She wants him to know how she once learned to fall in love on this very path. She wants him to see that young girl blushing.

He might not know that girl, and yet so many times when he takes her in his arms she can smell the bottle brush and feel the rain and hear the wind. And then she sings.

Which Show are you talking about?? The Show?

2011-08-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

Slow it Down

Make it STOP...

Or else my heart is going to pop!

Just like the soda pop. Or the candy Pop. And all things that pop in general. Bodies pop and they lock and we dance. Faces pop, in and out and we talk. With or without the fun in life, or adventure, or even crazy behavior, we can learn how to POP! But there is no point of popping without the other three..

The sun is hot

in the sky...

Just like a giant spotlight!

I know That! I am center stage and I need to start the show right now. The pause is becoming more pregnant by the moment. People watching, people waiting for the performance to begin. But it's my stage. I will start when I wish to. I may or I may not. But then they don't think like that. They want to just enjoy the show...

...But that means I will have to start the show. Now That is going to happen at my convenience. Stay and watch or leave and gossip. I couldn't care less.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle,

Life is a maze and Love is a riddle.

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, I've tried

And I don't know why...

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared but I don't show it.

I cant figure it out

Its bringing me down I know

I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show...

Don' we all?? We definitely need to...

But we never do. We always engage in self pity. Let us at least watch the entire sequence to understand the context. Why jump to conclusions at all? But we never listen. We are all super impatient and super anxious. Let it take shape. Let form. Let it become something. No?

Optimism sure does come to very few of us. We presume and we decide. Too scared to take risks are we?? Too bad!

I want my money back...

NO WONDER!!

Breaks into a random dance sequence. Dum de dum dudum de dum ... it feels freestyle.

Ironically no style is free! Free enough... :)

PS- Watch this... :) <3 It is extremely cute!

Extremely hilarious video just for you!

2011-08-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

THIS is what you must watch if you are depressed.

Trust me... it worked on my best friend, who is absolutely cynical, and short tempered. Lovable but under stress. (If reading, you know you are loved!)

It made laugh till my sides started to hurt.

It is just something two girls went crazy watching in the night on a sleep-less sleepover. And what was even better?? They wanted to replicate it!

Just imagine.

We never quite valued Daler Mehndi's pop sensation days, now did we?

Anyway, Have a laugh.

Love <3

This little beaded bag that I carry...

2011-08-01T04:46:00.001-07:00

A big part of having nothing to do, is to catch up on things that you haven't been doing.

Like cleaning your room. Or maybe just arranging the cupboard. Shopping? Lunches? Catching up on Television. Surfing social networking sites.

And then you have this huge bag, full of all the things you gather during this time...

A disappointed day.

A happy reunion.

A sad song.

An overjoyed movie ending.

A long walk down the locality roads and simultaneously down the memory lane.

A sweaty pair of tracks that you have been wearing for 5 days straight.

An extremely tasty salami sandwich that your best friend made for you on a sleepover.

A sibling fight. A bad one at that.

A boyfriend fight. Easily resolved because thank god he understands!

An hour of moping over things that could have been. Days of mulling over things that will be.

Sleepless nights. Equally sleep-full days.

Respect for nature. Respect for natural things. Respect in general.

Patience.

Overgrown eyebrows...

A glass of an extremely great tasting Margarita. And other cocktails.

A drunken escapade.

A trip to your BFF who you missed like crazy. Pedicures and shopping and dinners and general crazy behavior.

A great pair of chappals that were a steal.

Endless number of mall trips and window shopping sprees.

Cribbing over lack of finances.

Guilt over spending money.

Momos. And cupcakes.

Lap of the most wonderful person to cry in. The most amazing advise given by her.

Pauses.

Movies. Good and bad. Once and Twice.

End of an era. Start of a new one.

Salads. And Pastas!

A new Kohl pencil.

Aspirations.

Expectations.

And all that Jazz...

A mud pit is The Best place... for it is so much fun!

2011-07-27T01:34:00.000-07:00

Arey abhi to hum chhotey bachche the???

Then what happened?

I don't know. What happened to You? I am the same. I laugh, I cry, I love and I hate with the same intensity as that of a child. Only now I don't go out to play kho-kho or chain in the evening. But that's purely because there is no one to play with. Everyone else is not caught up in a time warp like me and everyone has moved on. Most of them have bothered to grow up as well.

I wonder why though.

I love my time warp. Or I should say Time Wrap. You see it envelops me and warms me and keeps the cold out and helps me to not fall sick. It is what my mum tucks me into at night when its cold and alone. It is what I use to cover myself when cough has settled in my chest.

Abhi kya hua na...that I lost all sense of being a strong person. I lost all my super awesome confidence. I became sad. But my Time Wrap put me off to sleep. It gave me pretty dreams of days I cherish. it reminded me that there will be lots more. So if today I did not understand anything in my accountancy class, it is OK because tomorrow there is a double period. It explained that I may get too bored tomorrow and not make an effort to understand but then there will be another day, and the day after that, till final exams arrive and I will study through nights and will finally pass. Maybe with flying colors.

It reminded me that I don't wake up everyday Just for an accountancy class. It is Important, very important, and I know that. I know I will have to one day pick up my books and study very hard in order to get through. But it still is not the whole essence of my being. Not my entire day's worth. No it isn't. It is merely a paper I have to clear..

It made me dream about those who love me and believe in me.

And then I woke up, hugged my wrap and wanted to sleep again. But there was a long email waiting to be answered. An old friend waiting for lunch. A chore that needs me to finish it before I do the others. Some food to be eaten and some songs to dance on...

...a lot of mud to be played with and to be enjoyed. Lots of dirty fingernails, and a lot of light on my face.

Cool forward on my email...

2011-07-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

We all have some super irritating email forwards. This was one of the good ones.

Got me to laugh...

Some wonderful answers given by students of same class !!!!

* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

* The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

* When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

* Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

* Clouds are high flying fogs.

* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

* Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e,i, o and u."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana ."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa .."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

Confessions...

2011-07-23T04:10:00.000-07:00

NOT FAIR!!

My New blog got virus and stupid mails started flooding my inbox. Even though there was not much that I lost but still.

Anyway so I feel defeated. Yes yes that's the reason for me to be here. I USE writing as a let out. deal with it!!

So going back to being defeated. Well once upon a time we used worry about broken hearts and romances. But now, we need money to survive. We are out in the world, alone. And we don't want to be supported by others. If I want those ZARA heels, I want them from my own accomplishments. I want them FOR my own accomplishments.

But unfortunately I am Jobless these days. And it is my fault. Well actually the fault of being indecisive but mine nonetheless.

All those years I wanted to be a dancer. Dance was life. And then I was convinced otherwise. I was told that dancing won't fill my bank account.

So I went ahead and finished my P.G. And met the most amazing person in my life. I was convinced that being around him was all that I wanted. He wanted to be an entrepreneur and he convinced me that I will be happy being one too. And I was Happy being one. It gave me a sense of being. It defined my strengths. It was meant to be. I was happy to be building something to call my own.

And then some more lessons and wrong turns later I am back to square one. I am unemployed. All those years people convinced me that I was meant to be Big in my life. And now I don't have a penny to call my own. I am looking for a job which once I convinced myself was not meant to be for me. Working with the wrong kind of people made me doubt my capabilities to no end. And now I just feel like a big fat nobody. I want a job but I don't know what I want to be. Nothing drives my passion anymore. For the first time in my life, I have bigger problems than a sordid love affair. I feel small. I feel neglected. I feel 'not good enough'. And the more I admit the more I want to cry...

Congratulations blogosphere! You get to be the first one to hear me accept my true feelings. To witness the first time I am talking about how I really feel. This is probably the last time you will see me feel so weak but that's my story for now! I never have and I never will build a facade around my life and that's what I was trying to do for some time now. No wonder I am unhappy.

Guess what? It wasn't just the virus infected blog. It was my virus infected life!

Missing me?? Please say yes:)

2011-06-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Yes!

I decided to start writing again.

I am assuming people liked what I wrote. And I assume they would want to read more.

Please follow me here

http://chikchikah.blogspot.com/

Feel free to share your views. I am all ears.

Love

Crappy New Year

2009-12-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

Okay.

After a lot of contemplation..I write. And only because this is proving to be a very tough time. Emotionally. I am vulnerable to the extent of going crazy. I want to just sit in one corner and cry. I want Pugsie...right now. I want to hug her and blabber nonsensical stuff as i wet her shirt with my tears. I want Froggy to make me laugh. I want Best Fraand to scold me for letting myself go through this. If I were writing in a diary, it would have been wet with my fresh tears.

And the worst part is, that its nothing. Nothing I can express through words. Or put across to people in an articulate manner. And that's why I know I need you three. Because I know you would understand.

Its that horrible thing called realization. You guys know what that feels like right?

Deja vu?? Mujhe bhi. Its one of those miserable times when back in KNC i would sit in chaupal and sob and everyone who saw me would give me a tight hug and say nice things to me. Now no one does that. No one is close enough to make me believe that I have fantastic things in store for me and that I am amazing. That I have lost weight and my eyeliner look pretty. Nobody asks where I bought my kurta from or who gave me my bangles. No one to drag me to a movie, no one to take me for granted. No one who I can take for granted. No one to argue with, no one to ignore, no one to contemplate weird aspects of life with.

Its not just the sudden turn of emotions. Its also a lot of suppressed feelings. The lack of a proper let out. I thought I didn't really need one but now I think I do. Damn it!

It could also be intuition. A feeling that something bad is about to happen. I get that a lot. And it makes me really sad. It does. It gives me sense of helplessness.

I didn't want to write a sad post. In fact I had a brilliant idea for my next post. I remember telling Capricorn boy about it. But this what I end up writing. Hopefully next one will be the nice analytical entry that I had in mind.

PS- Its just a mood swing...hopefully.

the Latest...

2009-12-18T06:34:00.000-08:00

Old Songs are ....BEAUTIFUL!!

I miss Best Fraaand.

I miss dancing too...

Capricorn boy is as elusive as ever. But I am getting used to him.

The first boyfriend shows a LOT of interest these days. But I just ignore him and snub him in all the creative ways possible.

Ajeeb Insaan has apparently found a new girl. God bless her. Hopefully the poor thing will fare better than me. Or maybe she will teach him a lesson. Whatsoever that might be, I genuinely feel happy for them.

I attended class today.

I also went to a marketing meeting yesterday. It was awesome how cool that senior marketing executive was. Witty, smart, manipulative. He had me zapped out of words twice. And that doesn't happen often. He has my respect.

Capricorn boy.... He is just the right person to be with these days. This thing between us is perfect. * touch wood*

And what makes it better is the warmth. The way I am so comfortable with him. Its always like it was meant to be.

I miss Froggy and Pugsie.

I am going to hometown for 10 days. Reunion of sorts where extended family from all over the world is coming together. It will be nice...oh who am I kidding? It will be torturous.

Meh.

I am ok....right?

2009-12-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

Back from the wedding....

Having mood swings.

Tired+PMS= Irritation

Irritation+lack of attention= Super duper pissed

Urggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Just the person i want to be with is NOT cooperating.

Baaaaah!

College tomorrow.

2 Weeks and then another 10 day long family torture.

Thats not helping my mood darling.

Its this feeling of helpless-ness.

It takes over me when I am moody.

I want people to tell me how bloody fantastic I am....without me asking them to do it.

Sooooooooooooo pissing off!

I should sleep.

Bye!

We walk..... You and me.

2009-12-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

And here we are, walking through this busy street. Not holding hands but you grab mine each time I am about to fall. And the best part is that you leave it once I regain my balance, only proving that you understand that I need my independence as well. You take care of me when I need you and you never let me feel as if I am dependant on you. Perfect. No?

And when I get angry, you distract me with the search game that we play. I look for the word all around me while you smile at your own brilliance. And then we fight. We get angry at each other. And like you promised, it never lasts longer than five minutes. We both know that we cannot stay angry with each other for longer than that. Its very satisfying, what we share. Because its just perfect. I want it to be like this always.

Its so easy to tell you everything. So easy to explain things to you. Its amazing how simple it is to be around you. How simple it is to be me.

And the street is crowded, diverting your attention time and again. But you always come back. You are aware of me walking beside you. You look out for me. I wish you knew how important that is for me. I can do what I like because I know you are there to take care of me. I have never had that before. I am a child around you. A child who misbehaves, who doesn't care for the world because she knows that someone is there in case things go wrong.

You are special. Very special. And now, a very important part of my life. You are my partner in crime, my beloved, my support, my favourite boy, my Best friend and much much more than that.

I wish I could ask you to stay.

2009-12-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

The downfall is about to start. I know it is. Because the connecting thread is leaving. Life around here won't be the same without him. But I won't accept it ever. Accepting only brings forward the obvious making it more blatant.

But the deal is that I will miss this. The four clan friendship is so much my thing. First the 'Girl Gang' broke up and now the 'Cool Group' is disintegrating. I know that this will last. It will. But it is changing in the physical aspect of things. The so called 'fun' is going away. But that's not the point right. Friendships always are forever. And obviously after good comes bad. After sunshine, there is always a gray day. But whats important is that sunshine always comes back.

What scares me is that the 'connecting thread' was the one who held this together. The loose ends will find it hard to exist without him. Am I one of those loose ends? I don't know if I am. But I know the other two are. And that's scary. Its unimaginable. I know I will be the easiest to cut away only because I am the new-est. I don't see the both of them making an effort to keep it alive. They will sulk in their misery and not talk about it.

And the one moving away will be the most difficult to handle. He will not know each and every detail of each and every second of the other two's life. I am inconsequential because I always was and I like it like this. And I know how to deal with it too. The switch off button is always the most useful thing. The brick wall still exists.

But I can't stop hoping that defense mechanisms won't be required.

Here's a toast then, to the most genuine and the most caring guy I ever met. And who I intend to keep close for as long as I can. Here is a toast to all the wonderful times we spent together which may be less but were worth so much more. Here's to the long talks, the crazy jokes, the irresponsible drinking, the 'boys night out', the cooking and cleaning, the heart to hearts and soul to souls. Here is to the only boy who said that he will marry me if I am single after ten years just because I cook so well. Here is to the new but the very very special bond that I share with him. Here's to Amit.

Fleeting message....

2009-11-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

Off to Darjeeling......
Ha!

Goodbye all.
I shall be off for a week and then i will update...:)

Super excited. And very happy.

Love. Miss me Delhi. I will try to miss you. I can't guarantee... ;)

PS- Last post....not to be taken seriously. Was an emotional outburst.
PPS- the art of cooking is not alien to me anymore. Woo hooo!!

Of drunk nights or two!

2009-11-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

A drunk guy apologizing profusely, his messages talking of his lies in the night doesn't make up for a very happy morning. And especially when you know that the next few days are unavoidable and cannot be escaped. You can't go in your 'shell' and you can't even live with it...

It is nothing too drastic. There was nothing too severe in the messages, nothing worse than what has happened already. But when the guy loves you like never before and you know its because of the alcohol, it sucks. Waking up in the morning sucks. The words he whispered in your ears as he hugged you close which seemed so real then, now haunt the living daylights out of you. I didn't ever think I was capable of such a complex emotion but guess what, I was wrong.

And all this but I still want to be the same. The same with him. I still feel what I did before. I accept it as a part of him and THAT is weird. The memory of a walk in the cold night is still happy enough to make me forget all the absurdity. The good continues to overpower the ugly.

And after all its ugly only by the virtue of the conventional norms of the society.

The morning is then, not all that bad.

NOT knowing what 'love' is...

2009-11-22T06:37:00.000-08:00

Apparently I have never fallen in love till now.

Whatever has happened was merely an 'anticipation' of what I want love to be like.

I will know it when it happens. Thats what I have been told. So Ajeeb Insaan was just convenience? Or maybe a habit. I don't know what he was because I am absolutely disgusted even at the thought of him. And that cannot be love right? You don't get disgusted by people you love or you once loved. You accept them with their faults and you love them eternally. Right?

But that has clearly not happened.

And Capricorn Boy....

Well he is someone I really care about. And I have these feelings for him that I don't understand. I accept him and it feels right around him. I am myself around him and I don't need to fake my emotions ever.

I know its something. But I don't want to jump to a conclusion of calling it 'love'. Because I can't tell for sure. And if he doesn't feel it, I can't risk being in love with someone and knowing its futile. So even if it is love, I don't want to acknowledge it.

Basically I can't tell.

And maybe that's the right thing. :)

PS- Happy Birthday Best Fraand! I love you...

2009-11-20T08:32:00.000-08:00

I will ignore these feelings till I can...

If it is meant to be then it will happen no matter what.

And when I cannot ignore them any further, I don't know what I will do.

The Reason...

2009-11-18T06:12:00.001-08:00

Will someone please sing this song for me someday??

*sigh*

I like believing that someone someday will. And will really mean it.

Even if no one ever does.... I still love the song. Especially the melody.

I know its very cheesy but hey, I like cheesy romantic things!

Awwwww...

PS- Don't watch the video. Just hear the song.

When you asked me 'why?'

2009-11-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

You asked me 'why?'

And when I asked you 'why?', you said 'har why, kyu aur kaiku ka jawab nahi hota.' You know I seriously don't remember what movie this dialogue is from.

But to get back to your question... Why?

Why do I want to talk to you?

Why do I want to spend time with you?

You seriously want me to answer these questions? You and I both know that you don't want to hear the answer. We both know that you are not ready. Or maybe not willing.

Seriously... Are you not willing? Does it bother you that much that you can't face the truth?

But tell me, do you even know WHAT you feel deep within yourself?

Sometimes I think that I am looking into this way too much. That all these feelings that I presume don't even exist for you. But then I think of all those times when I looked into those expressive eyes of yours. You might be a great actor but what I saw in them was not something I imagined.Not being able to read your eyes doesn't mean that I am blind to what I see in them.

Is it so hard to actually say what you feel? Is it that hard to look into yourself and bring out those inner feelings which I know exist even if they are negligible.

Actually don't tell me what you feel. If you don't feel what I think you do, it will hurt really bad. Let me live in my happy world of belief and let me feel free to stare at those magnetic eyes whenever I can. I don't want to know what you don't want to tell me. It only makes sense when you will find it hard enough to keep it within yourself. When you will put your feelings into words, it should be your own will, your desire to see my reaction.

I can never forget that night when you told me the unthinkable in front of my house. I remember each and every thing that you ever said to me, each time you looked at me thinking that I am unaware, every little thing that you did for me and the way you were always there for me. I know you try real hard to not let me know but trust me I notice. I don't tell you because I am scared of you making better efforts to hide these small things.

You always bring a smile to my face. And whenever there is that tear in my eye, its because maybe deep down I have learnt that someone out there cares enough to wipe it for me.

And even after this long analysis, I don't have an answer to your question. That's because you already know my answer...

Maybe this is how it was meant to be.

2009-11-12T07:26:00.000-08:00

I am unusually content with the way things with Capricorn Boy are going. Its actually not going anywhere and that's what I like about this. Its slow now as opposed to how it started. He is the same. And I don't know how exactly he feels. But I know that he feels something. He acknowledges it. And that is surprisingly okay with me. I am in control of my emotions when it comes to him. There are no desperate calls, no arguments, no insecurities, nothing. And I like that.

I still wish I knew what he feels. But I have come to terms with the fact that he will never tell me. That's how he is. I hope that someday he will but I don't expect it. And finally I know what the difference between hoping and expecting is. Just because I like to think about him doesn't make it an obligation for him to do the same.

When this started out, I found a problem with so many things that he did or said. But now, I don't. I find them cute now. All these days when he wasn't around, I missed him. But there was no compulsive craving for his calls or his attention. That felt nice. I was happy missing him. Oho this romance never dies...does it?

Even his horrible jokes which should make me jealous are acceptable now. I can handle his occasional nasty mean behavior. And after a while, I find it amusing. Only God knows what this boy thinks. And I am happy that at least God does. I have no inclination to go out of my way to 'de-mystify' him. I want to learn as and when it's meant to be. The bottom line is that I know he is good at heart and he will never hurt me knowingly. And that's sufficient.

Anyway.

I am looking forward to the 'trip'. And just that. No imagining or day dreaming about what may or may not happen.

*sigh*

PS- I lost the Gleaming Accessory. I guess it was never meant to be mine. The sad part is that I couldn't sell it and get some cash in return. ;)

PPS- Read this.

Everytime!

2009-11-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

Men

are

I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E.

I will never understand them. I will never get what they feel. I will never make sense out of their logic. So i will just give up.

Eventually.

I ran!

2009-11-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

And I ran.

With the breeze, like the breeze.

I ran without a care in the world. I ran without thinking. I ran laughing, screaming,. I ran for the pure joy of running. No boundaries. No notion.

I even fell. On a huge pile of mud. Got my clothes dirty but I did't care. I got up and continued.

It felt amazing.

Teary eyed because of the chill in the air. Teary eyed because of the warmth of my heart. I ran as the child in me woke up. Probably she was looking for ways to come outside. She was sick and tired of being held back. She hated it.

I wanted to run even after my body gave in. I could have gone on. I wanted to go on. I miss those days when I didn't get tired. When Grassy fields and dusty roads were my playground. I miss those crazy friends. I miss that football and that cricket bat. That swing, that slide.

I Miss...

2009-11-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

Victory!

2009-10-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

ENIGMA WON!!
YAY

I couldn't be happier. My team. My hard work. My everything....

I know I am not there with them but I don't care.

I Love them all. I love each second I spent as a part of it. I cherish each memory, good or bad. And today, I feel proud, elated and so bloody happy.

I can't contain my joy.

That trophy, my team deserves it.

Wooohooo!

I love my team.

Mwah!

Cravings...

2009-10-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

I miss BITS Pilani. Enigma performed today in Razzmatazz. I hate the fact that I am here and not with them. I want to be with them, cheering, supporting, dancing.

Its like I am an old hag, retired from the glamorous life of being the president of Enigma. I miss the excitement, the adrenaline rush. It was just so bloody perfect, my life. I was with people I could fall back on, doing what I love and getting what I desired. Life was meaningful. I had the sense of motive, and satisfaction came each day. The zest never expired.

But now....Its just not there. Life has changed. People have changed. They new ones are not worth the pain and old ones are not around all the time.

Technically I should have been in Pilani. Celebrating a good performance with my team. Waiting eagerly for the results tomorrow. Clicking pictures. Running around. Eating chicken parantha. Not sleeping. Bitching about other teams. That is where my heart is.

This doesn't feel right. This place. People use you. And if you try to assert yourself, they leave you. People pretend. If you point that out to them, they find faults with you. I know thats what I will face in life, time and again. But after tasting perfection, nothing feels good enough.

PS- Popo I hope you are having fun there, and taking care of my team. I wish I could come along!

ill:(

2009-10-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

Body ache.

Terrible one.

Drained of energy. I don't even know why.

Now generally when people feel weak they prefer their beds to sprawl on. Me on the other hand, I have lost my sleep completely. Body aches more with every attempt to sleep. Damn this stupid whatever it is!

And I don't know if I have mentioned before that I avoid allopathic medicines till the time say I am dying and there is no way out. So no chance of quick recovery. Its me and my mom's home made herbal medicines that I rely on.

Plus tomorrow is college. My stupid college that I refuse to advertise doesn't listen to excuses as to why you were absent. Again, unless you are dying, you need to attend classes, which will kill you anyway.

And the stupid infection that I have isn't even respectable enough to be written about. Its almost as if I am being punished for scatological references in my Mac Flecknoe answers. Not happy!

I came on-line looking for Capricorn Boy who I couldn't talk to because it was Sunday. Duh! And he is not even on-line. As opposed to many nights when I snored away (not really!) to glory and he was up talking to 'people' (ahem) on-line. And today only he is not here. Great! Not jealous. Result of body ache=Irritation!

Mummy!:(

I hate this. This falling ill. And that too weird wala ill!

Rose tinted glass

2009-10-23T10:27:00.001-07:00

Arey life is beautiful again.

In fact it is outrageously fantastic.

I like this. This nice beautiful place where I am. I want to stay here only. Nothing more. Nothing less. I love it! Just like this.

And I never want to grow up. Never. Ever.

La la la la *breaks into a random bollywood song*

Come lets just dance together. Or maybe I dance and you watch. Watch me intently because my moves mean a lot more. I want to be in grassy fields stretched till the horizon while the sun is turning the sky into a palette full of colours. I want to run as fast as I can. And I want to scream. Loud enough so that the nearby mountains will echo my voice. I will scream my name. And yours. And then you can also try doing it. And we can then play hide and seek. Or maybe tag. We will be kids again.

Come with me na. Lets just go to a far away place and leave this world behind for some time. And then we will be young and restless and carefree or even careless and nobody will care. Except you and me.

*sigh*

I love life!

2009-10-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

Why the hell is it complicated???

So bloody ambiguous?

God when do you intend to find me that boy who will just want to be with me as much as I do? And I am not asking you to send back any old flames. Capricorn boy happens to be perfect. But no! I had to drag in these complications. And he also had to be so all over the place.

Friendship cannot happen now that I know what the other side feels like. Not until I am over him, no!

What is this? This super horrible lack of coordination in what we feel. Dancing is so much easier. You just need to coordinate but you still never leave your personal styles. You are different yet you dance together, as a whole.

Why can't a relationship be like that? Maybe they are supposed to be like that and I just don't know what that feels like. Why can't men just at least try to see what wonderful people we are. But no! a little emotion drives them crazy.

A friend of mine who heard the whole I-can't-be-vulnerable-to-him-because-he-can't-handle-it-and-he-isn't-vulnerable-to-me story said something that I completely agreed with. He said that if you love someone (even as a friend) you want to be vulnerable to them. You want to share your lives with them.

I am emotional. I am complicated. But so are you. If I am going that extra mile to try and figure you out, why can't you also just try? Why the hell is it so hard? Why do you have to attach so many complications to it?

PS- Capricorn boy i did not put up what you read in my notebook in the morning on this blog because I know you don't want me to. I know that is also too much for you to 'handle'.

End??

2009-10-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

So that's how it had to happen?

I can't believe it did.

I can't believe that I mistook your actions to be more than what they were. I can't believe that I misunderstood what you thought. I can't believe it!

You said it will work out in the beginning. I can't believe that you didn't even try. I can't believe that I never really got to know what you exactly felt.

Thank you for everything. It will always be special. But I won't make this mistake again. I won't repeat my faults.

I am not hurt. Just very very amused. And amazed. And disturbed.

I wish I made a difference to you. I wish...

Ha!

2009-10-20T11:09:00.001-07:00

They are all the same.

Selfish!

And blind...

But I still always let them read me. And then I feel bad. They can never be there for you. They can never love as much as we can. They can never realise what they are doing to us. They can never ever be sure. They just want their way and that's all they care about.

Poor us! But its our fault. Because we let them.

And the sooner we understand how we don't mean anything to them, the better. But we never do.

They are all the same. Them who don't value us for the way we accept them.

I can't believe I let them do this to me.

Wiring problem!

2009-10-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Matlab hadd hai!

I don't even know what I want!

And yes this in relation to Capricorn Boy. I don't know what I want with this relationship (thats what this is, right?) And the worst of all is that I don't know what he wants. He says something but what he does conveys something else. Which one to believe now?

This is so bloody confusing na. He is so adorable. And sort of irresistible. But at the same time he has this transparent glass around him which I can't get through. He feels like a stranger yet he is so close to me. It feels so right with him but still its all wrong. Brain has all sorts of wiring disorder when it comes to him. What yaar!

I am just going to leave it now. Let it be the way it is. Stop interfering with it. I am done with being vulnerable. But it is so hard when he is around. I just cannot help wanting to be with him. And cannot help wanting to hold his hand. And hug him. And...well a lot of things.

Damn it!

Why is it so hard to let go is something I will NEVER understand.

I need sleep.

Goodnight.

*sigh*

Listening anyone?

2009-10-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

Call me mad, call me sane

Or maybe just call me vain

Say I am pretty,

or ugly...

or just a face that you have been waiting for.

A face that you never saw before.

Call me nice

Call me bad

Call me crazy

Call me sad

Call me sweet

with a whisper in my ear

Call me out loud,

Call me near.

Just call me you my favourite boy

Just say my name in a different way

Make me different from the rest of the world

Just by what you say.

Call me mad, call me sane

Oh my beloved,

Just give me a name....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi0rivkNmQo

Mona Lisa Smile...

2009-10-16T02:59:00.000-07:00

'Why is she smiling?

Is she happy?

Well she looks happy so what does it matter.

I cry each time i watch it. And I don't even know why.

Someone who refuses to conform is hard to find. Yet we all want to say that we are non-conformists. We all want to pretend that we live by our own rules...

Trying to be different is almost like fashion. Everyone wants to do it. Nobody wants to be stereotyped into an image. But you see its impossible to avoid.

I am not different. I think, see, feel, behave in the same manner as a lot of other people do. I look up to a lot of things and I try to copy them. I day dream and I paint castles in the air. I want to sound indifferent even when I am not. I pretend to care even when I don't. I judge. I follow. I give up. I pretend to be strong. I crave attention. I cry when I don't get it.

So why bother proving otherwise. At least I am truthful. At least I am not a hypocrite.

She is smiling because she is aware. She is smiling to mock the world. She is smiling at her own misery...or maybe of others. She is not smiling to please others any more. Just herself...

Maybe its this age!

2009-10-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

Why does it happen that the minute you think that you have learnt your lesson in life, you make the same mistake again? They are not lying when they say that you are essentially alone in this world. Is it wrong to expect? Is it wrong to depend on people emotionally?

Perhaps it is.

Anyway, life goes on. And you learn to deal with things eventually. After all its just a stupid emotional turmoil. What harm can it do? Right??

But maybe its the influence of popular romantic culture that compels me to believe that somewhere out there someone is waiting for me. Someone whose world will revolve around me and mine will revolve around him. I keep thinking that maybe I have met him. Maybe I know him. Maybe he has a silent flame burning in his heart as well. Maybe he is also a silly romantic who wants to think about someone like me all the time. Maybe...

Silly i know.

I wish I could tell someone how much I loved him any time I wanted to. But its okay if I can't. After all you don't always get what you want.

PS- Best Fraaand back in town. Woohooo!!

2009-10-11T03:27:00.000-07:00

Unreasonable.

Very very vulnerable.

Irritated.

Needs to be pampered. And not getting it!!!

PMS...

Hate it!

Lots of things.

2009-10-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

Had a wonderful and an eventful week.

Missing Military Training Camp was worth it.

Capricorn boy was looking Super hot today. Stubble suits him. And the light pink shirt...never looked better on anyone else. I could just kiss him then and there. But busy boy couldnt be around for long.

Note to self- Ask him to wear the same shirt next time we go out. :) :)

Met Pugsie day before. The usual movie didn't happen but Big Chill did. Talking to her is one of the best things in the world. Might go to Sunder Nagar Diwali mela with her.

Went to see Ramleela last Sunday. The Indian Ballet has its own grace and charm. And the best part was that I met Nair sir there who was the choreographer of the performance and who also happens to be the first real teacher who taught me. The only word that may be close to defining what the performance was like is I think 'spectacular'. Transferred me into an alternate universe. The Indian form still takes the position of the most expressive form of dance in my opinion. What we call the 'bhava' (or expressions) is dealt with such an importance and grace, that it manages to deeply involve the audience with the action of the performance, especially me. I wanted to be up there dancing with them and yet I wanted to just sit there and watch without batting an eyelid.

Called up Maggie immediately after the performance and talked about how great dancing in school was. Our school had an annual ballet which was a huge deal. Being a part of these is perhaps the the thing that i miss the most about school. The stay backs for practices was probably what made us (Maggie and I) inseparable.

Tomorrow I am going to meet Enigma. Helping them with auditions for Pilani. Feels great to still be a part of it somewhere. I felt Elated when they called me for my opinion. Like Capricorn Boy says, everyone wants to be remembered after they leave. It feels fantastic that I still am a part of what is a part of me. Enigma shall always be one of the factors that changed me and made me the person I am today.

Like Weird Girl pointed out in one of those I-can't-ever-forget practice sessions in my first year, 'You give what you have to the stage, and the stage will return you a lot more.'

And it so did.

Enough!

2009-10-03T05:45:00.000-07:00

Thats it!

I have had enough...

Enough of this stupid nonsensical pseudo whatever it is. (Avoiding being specific are we? Any help? I think not)

Brick wall... I shall re-build you. You my favourite thing in the world because when someone kicks you, they get hurt and not me. Not implying anything here. Just as a precautionary measure I shall re-build you. Today. Right now. This moment...

I don't want to ask questions. Because I don't need answers. And I don't want to give anyone the pleasure of making me feel.... obliged maybe.

Whatever man.

I miss dancing. Like crazy.

I miss my friends. The real ones. I could have met them today but mommy called me home early. I dont want to be alone. Ever! Maybe I am not. But it doesn't feel like I have company.

Unfair. I know it. And so do you. You sitting up there poking your nose in everyone's business. You know you are being unfair. And I know you want me to think that this must have some hidden benefit in the long run. But that doesn't give you the right to be so god-damn unfair!

Anyway,

more work required in life.

Peace.

(added after much thought and this)

PS- Froggy, you are my favourite girl.... You always make me happy. You really do. I can totally date you full time. Much love.

Scared? Me? No!

2009-10-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Look at that!

That blatant Truth staring at me... unwilling to waver it's gaze.

I am scared. Am I?

Probably not. But its just a scary thought of this Truth coming closer to me. I can't help it though. It will eventually reach up to me with those glaring Red eyes which I dread. Damn it! Where is that pile of sand which i want to bury my head into? Or that time machine which can either take me back or forward 3 months right now (does that time period ring a bell anyone?) . I don't want to face what is coming my way.

It's curiosity mixed with anticipation. Its this parallel duality of what i romanticise and... well and the truth of the present circumstances. I don't mind either to be frank. But like all those who know me well enough can guess...I cant stand not knowing or not being able to help 'it'.

So what should i do?

The Plan Of Action (POA) as of now is to just deal with it. Distract myself till this feeling dies. (distraction=sand box???)

Stop staring you horrid beast with bloodshot eyes. You might not realise it but the effect of your appearance is freaky. Go away. Or maybe attack me from behind. I am good with handling surprise attacks. But this? Not happening!

*secretly meditates*

PS-

Pugsie baby. I love you. As if you didn't know! Ha!

Is it you? It cant be me!

2009-10-01T05:33:00.000-07:00

One hand on the steering wheel and other on the gear, as I drove back to home today, my mind raced from one vivid image to another. My brain was on 'auto pilot' as I concentrated unconsciously on the various things happening in and around my life.

The music was loud enough to block out the noise of the world outside. It was subtle enough to not invade my string of thoughts which were filling the hollow of my heart. And each time i would lose the thread, the lyrics filled my ears as if they were a part of me.

Ay hairath-e-ashiqui

Jagaaaaa mat!

Pairon se zameen, zameeeeen,

laga mat!

This is such a beautiful song. The man in love is asking the wonderful feeling to not wake him up from the dream of his rosy world. He wants to forget what lies ahead and just continue feeling what this trance of being in love is doing to him. He knows he is flying but still he wants to remain away from the ground. The ground which is the harsh reality. And hence his plea to stay airborne in this dreamlike state.

These songs affect me more when i hear them while driving alone. And they fill the gaps. Of my life and of my thoughts. I hate to admit but like everyone else, i also seek reality in art. And I always end up comparing the two. What makes it even more wonderful is the fact that because of art, one learns to appreciate the real.

The music adds to the view outside which passes me, just like a slide show of beautiful pictures, animated ones. I recollect these lines (which are the only lines i can remember) from some poem i read in fourth grade-'each a glimpse and gone forever'. That's how these scenes are. Dynamic. Ever changing.

I want to be like those school girls who are going back home, eating ice-cream, wearing their blue tunics and with that heavy bag on their back. I miss that heavy bag. It was better to carry the weight of books than carrying the weight of being an adult, the weight of lost innocence, the weight of my own thoughts. I remember craving for freedom when i was young but now I realize that I was probably never more free than i was then. I had the freedom from these mature, analytical thoughts.

Do chaar meheeno se lamho mein

umron ke hisaab bhi hote hain...

From the past few months, each second i live feels like an account of the life that i have lived and the life which will follow. The man singing the lines above talks about the beauty of growing up. He loves giving an account of his life to time which ticks without waiting for anyone. These lines remind me of a regret-less past which is the reason for me being where I am today. I don't wish to change anything about it, just like the poet.

PS-

-Happy Birthday Telepathic Bitch. We might not be as close as we once were but you will always be someone special in my life.

-Popo, you are adorable even when you are getting those mood swings. 20 messages in one day? You have defeated all my boyfriends with that. I love you.

-Capricorn boy... I am glad we met today. I wish I knew what you are thinking. And don't say you are emotion-less. You and I both know that its not true.

Gush

2009-09-30T04:47:00.000-07:00

Okay first thing first.

Capricorn boy...Awwwwwwww!!! No super duper awwwwwwww!!

Why? Because of the things he unknowingly does.

I promised myself that this blog will not become the living evidence of me gushing over my new found love but... You see its impossible not to.

But i shall still try...

Yesterday was Maggie's birthday. We spent the whole day acting (and getting) drunk. And the last minute hurry to hide the vodka quarter led to hiding of her smokes in my bag. Well it was discovered well before any harm that it could have caused. I can't imagine my mom's plight if she would have seen them in my bag. Anyway the day was Crazy. The variety of emotions continue to amuse me. Hopefully a better insight will be written by Maggie soon. And i promise to add it here when she does.

But what was better was the end to the day. I don't know if too much alcohol caused it or whatever, but I was just not getting any sleep. While desperately trying to find my lost sleep, I sent one message to Capricorn boy about something very random. And i wasn't even expecting a reply. I knew he was tired.

But, but, but...

....the unexpected!

Small things always always make me absolutely cheerful. The blushing ability proves its existence to me time and again because of these Small things.

To you-

You make me happy. Each time I talk to you i realise how important you are to me. Please don't fret about where this is going. But for once just let it go. Let it reach that place for which it started in the first place. Lets just not care and walk together, hand in hand. I don't mind if the sides we tread are different, as long as we are connected by our hands. You pave your road while i will find mine. All I am saying is that lets just remember each other when we do it...

Today was nothing great. I woke up at noon. Saw Chicago on TV (excellent movie by all means). And that's about it. The day dreams however were different. Small little instances replaced over-the-top-Bollywood-like things.

Moreover, the best-est part is that i am not obsessed with all of 'this'. Not even expectant. There are no days (yet) of 'I can't stop thinking about him'. I think that's because of the way Capricorn boy is and i give him that credit.

Oho this blog IS turning into a gushing site!!

Next post- about something else...if I can help it.

I am back...

2009-09-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

...and how?? (literally)

Well i missed writing for one.

And i have a so called 'new life' that needs to be talked about.

Also some really nice friends forced me to start again (Popo and Capricorn boy).

So this new life huh?

Well its called choosing studies over dance. Yes i did that. I chose to give in to the aspirations of a future that will pay my bills instead of a future that may or may not be my dream profession. I chose stability over ambiguity, security over passion. That is quite unlike me but right now I am not regretting it.

I like Advertising. Its creative enough to be not boring and is an approved (by family) field to be working in. I like my new college and i like being the 'geek' in class.

New friends? Not too many to be truthful. Oldest friend Manyu is in the adjacent block and his friend Sonam is someone i think I am close to. Close enough for me to call her my friend. Some girls in class are nice. Capricorn boy is also close. Well considering that we are dating he has to be. But is he really? I think he is. I don't know yet. It has just been 2 weeks.

So Capricorn boy? Well he is one cute thing in the department. Every girl goes ga ga over him. He is not super hot but he has that thing...that charm. You know the one where you cant help getting attracted to someone. I admit (for the first time) that i was secretly crushing on him since the minute i saw him. But then since he was way out of my 'league' ( so to say) i never tried to get close. We interacted but never enough to call each other friends. But then one fine evening while chatting on-line, he shows keen interest in choreography ventures and says he would like to talk about it more.

To cut a long story short-

Day1: Chat, Long drive, lunch with friends, drops me home.

Day2: movie, one loooooooooooong conversation in a famous coffee joint

Day3: India gate with friends, drops me home, stays over for dinner...asks me out in front of my house.

I was super shocked. Haunted by the ghosts of my sucky past relationship(s) i said some ambiguous thing about no tags and no expectations and i don't know what all. The next thing i remember is going for a night out with him (and other friends), getting close (enough) and now we spend as much time with each other as possible.

He is different. The most unimaginable kind. He is inexpressive when it comes to words but his actions are too cute. The hardcore romantic that I am, i never thought that I will date someone like him. But the little gestures, I see romance in those. He is unconventional in a lot of senses. Trying to understand him is one tough job. All my hard learned 'boy tactics' have failed me miserably when i tried them on him. I am surprised almost all the time by the way he behaves.

The tragic flaw of this oh-so-perfect-no-tags-i-am-smitten relationship is that he leaves college in 3 more months. I don't know what will happen then. It is good in a way but I think that he is holding himself back(way too much) because of this reason. And I don't like that.

Anyway as far as my feelings are concerned...they grow with each second i spend with him. I love the adorable-ness. I love figuring him out. I love waiting for him to say something that will give me a hint of what he feels. I love the fact that he is scared of saying anything that might raise my expectations. I love holding his hands. I love catching him off-guard. I love this unattached attachment and this undefined so called relationship.

So i guess that's enough of an update for one post. Rest shall follow.

Love.

2009-07-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

To whomsoever it may concern...

I am NOT concerned about anything in the world right now.

I truly believe that whatever has happened or might happen is and will be for the better.

I JUST DONT CARE!

The session for my PG begins on the 20Th.

Its my mom's birthday tomorrow.

And some people who were once important were also born in this month.

My grandparents are here and my house will be full of relatives by the end of next week. Occasion being- Nothing.

Like i said...details are for the people who care enough.

Rest can.... do what they like!

Dhinchak!

2009-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

TRAFFIC SUCKS!!!

So Bad!

And little kids are not always as cute as their parents assume them to be. They can be pretty irritating at times.

New resolution in life: Patience. Less anger. Major attempt to avoid getting irritated.

I miss the bling in life. But I think I am getting too much of glamour. Way too much. Totally over the top.

I know i love Delhi and everything but last night i was thinking that Bangalore wouldn't be that bad to live in either.

Like that matters.

"Arey oh jumma

meri jaaneman

bahar nikal

aaj jumma hai

aaj ka waada hai

dekh main aa gaya

tu bhi jaldi aa

mujhe mat aur tadpa...."

Sudden realisation. I miss Delhi University dance competitions. And all the crazy bollywood songs (like the one above). And the crowd which sang along.

I think i will watch a masala movie now.

Or balika vadhu??? (NOT)

Masala movie...here i come!

Mwaaaaaaaaaah!

chikchikchikah!

2009-06-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

I know i just hit 'sign in' after ages but well i didn't have much to write. Okay fine I did but I was too lazy to do it. I think I was just collecting a lot of things to write about. Fine that's also an excuse. I was being lazy...plain and simple.

Why should this blog be about my life at all??

Not that Things are changing or anything but still I was just wondering.

I miss Best Fraand like crazy and I cant do much about it. Well two of my most favourite people are not around. But the other two of my most favourite are so that should compensate for it but it just doesn't. My sister drives me mad each day and boredom is KILLING me.

The things i look forward to these days?? Dance classes. Belly Dance is Fantastic. And lyrical Jazz always was.

The occasional meeting with friends. Occasional because I am grounded. Not really but I am trying to make up for the long phone bill (which was long majorly because of my sis) and staying home pleases my parents.

okay so that's about it. There are other big things in life that i can write about but what the hell, I just don't want to!

Freakish Frenzy

2009-05-21T01:24:00.000-07:00

Am I compulsive??

I don't know why but off late I have been wanting things to happen in a certain way and if they don't I cant seem to handle it. I get this weird freakish feeling if things don't turn up the way wanted them to and sometimes it drives me mad. Why can't I get myself to accept the fact that certain things will remain the way they are. For example if i am looking forward to something, even a second's delay pisses me off. If I am expecting something whenever I am and it doesn't happen I just cant help crying.

Oho!

Kya hai ye?

Anyway, I also think its the lack of things to do.

God give me things to do.

But does that make me compulsive? Nahi na?

Lyrical Jazz!

2009-05-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered what being beautiful feels like. Lyrical Jazz taught me. It is the most wonderful, the most graceful, the most expressive dance form that I have ever experienced. I felt so beautiful doing it. There were trained people around me who were technically better but I had no eye for them in the huge mirror we were dancing in front of. Each move, each extension, each turn....everything just felt so...peaceful. It was like meditating. Every time the music would play, my body would move without me controlling it.

Off course learning the steps took a lot time and they were very tough. But the expression that I could portray through them, I have never felt anything like it before.

I understood once more why I love dancing so much. And today I felt gorgeous. I didn't care about my extra inches. Didn't care about the who was watching. No inhibitions. I was in a trance.

I thought I knew all about Jazz. But this form is so much more than Jazz. Its about reaching out...to yourself. Its about feeling a certain emotion. Its about alienating the world and immersing yourself in music. Its about giving in.

I want to learn more. I will learn more. I will start from the basics and will make myself technically sound as well. I want to look even more beautiful. Much more than what I felt today. "I could have danced all night." My body was tired and my feet were blistered but I didn't care. I wanted to keep doing it. I wanted to go on. I was actually upset when the class got over.

I love life once more. Much more than I did a few hours back. So much more.

Lyrical Jazz.... You are more lyrical than your name. So graceful and so expressive!

PS- Happy Birthday pugsie. I Love You!!! Mwaaaaaah!

From the top of my head...

2009-05-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

Obama is the 44Th President of USA. A democrat who says 'yes we can...' and promises to bring change. Will he? Wont he? That remains a matter of debate:)

Who will be the next Prime Minister of India? Manmohan after all the allegations by BJP and the Left? Even though Rahul Gandhi is SAYING that he is to inexperienced and naive to be one but who knows what Sonia has in mind? Sharad Pawar? A strong candidate according to some but is he stronger than Nitish? Narendra Modi? The last time I counted about ten candidates were willing and had a chance? Who is stronger this election- UPA or NDA?? A famous journalist said about two weeks back that its an 'issue-less election'...really???

What about LTTE? And Prachanda? And BDR? Taliban? All neighbouring countries are in a mess... Lucky us...not!

And the Global Meltdown?? For once I know why it happened and what it led to...Don't worry I am not going into the details.

The point is that this is what fills my mind these days. I feel smart-er than some. But much more than that I feel dumb for not knowing so much more.

And yeah other things too (on a micro level). The two Grand Birthdays of the year are here:). The far far away phenomenon of my life is giving me a hard time. Weight loss is still an issue (Yoga...I finally came back to you. Treat me well). Belly dancing and Lyrical Jazz are on the list after 18Th (that's the day of my IIMC entrances). Jamia went well. Abstract and ambiguous...loved it. Hoping the examiners will love it too. Best Fraand and macbook and shopping and formals..... the time is coming near. Don't go? Froggy discusses current affairs with me...awwww!! Pugsie is still the person I want to tell everything to. I cried to her today as well ( and trust me I feel so much better).

As for the distances in this life...they are driving me crazy. Mad! I am losing control and i cant seem to let go. Arey ho jayega! Evetually sab ho hi jata hai!

As for Obama...I don't think he is that great. Isn't he after all the propagator of his so called 'superpower' status as well? I think he is. Not that its his fault. Stop expecting great things from the poor guy...he is after all human! And a victim of his own position!

Struggling to lose weight anyone??? Join the club!

2009-04-10T23:58:00.001-07:00

So the days of 100 crunches are over!

Now I can barely do 50. That is half of what it used to be. That's what no-dancing-sitting-at-home does to you. Well I have final my exams so there is no other option. But whats with these increasing kilos?

Hello body fat! Its not a competition of who can get fuller faster. So do you mind staying off?

And the increasing waistline. What are we going to do about that?

Well I will tell you a few things I have tried which might work for you but for me they have failed miserably. And the reason is all the good food in the world. The kebabs, the pastas, the Mughlai Murg, the Rogan josh, the Tandoori Roti, the street food, Chinese... I have to stop!!! STOP! Right now. And oh by the way the biggest enemy...that pack of instant 2 minute noodles lying in your kitchen.

Okay so the cereal diet. The advertisement says 2 bowls, 2 weeks, 2 kilos! You can have one normal meal and two times you have to eat cereal. Well it worked the first day. But the second day my one normal meal comprised of a three course dinner at a famous kebab joint. Well what the hell! One day doesn't matter all that much (oh it does!!). But the next day the cereal box was empty because my sister likes to eat cereal as snack, without milk as a crunchy snack!!!

And oh then there was the only fruit diet. Well that requires one hell of a willpower and as I might have hinted earlier, I seriously lack it. But at least now I eat two fruits per day. Mom says that it helps in fat reduction. And so does nimbu paani without sugar!

Then there was Yoga. Well what the hell, lets watch TV! I need to sweat and yoga doesn't work. Nope it doesn't. It does if you do it regularly and I so can't. Its too boring.

Then there was lets-dance-for-one-hour-each-day plan. Well its hard to do it alone. And harder when you don't have a lot of space. And each time i try, I feel guilty for not studying. Why don't I feel guilty while watching TV is something I still need to figure out.

Now I try to help mom with the household chores. I actually get up to fill water bottles. Tip: Voluntarily get up each time someone asks for help. That means more movement and less time on the couch. And also you can walk while you read. That should help!

Jogging? Well i am still trying and it might just work. Along with the crunches which shall increase. Very soon!

Fiction... inspired by my own life.

2009-04-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

Note: Title edited on popular demand!!! ;). There are small elements that I have borrowed from my life, my past and my present. But its still mostly fictional.

With heavy eyelids as I sat in my veranda, I could not understand why my head felt so heavy. The wind was pleasant and so was the sunlight. But my heart felt heavy. Here I was feeling incomplete while somewhere he was busy with mundane things like laptop repair and satyanarayan pooja. He had gone back with the promise in his eyes of returning. But probably of not missing me. Well he did not miss me at all.

*Ding dong*

Koodawala. Or maybe the maid. I didn't care. I could not get myself to get out of the chair. I could not bear the weight of some one's company. Except his maybe. But I am not too sure. Last night also I thought I wanted to talk to him but when I did, I realised that I actually did not really want it. I kept pushing it, didn't I? Kept trying to tell him about the depth of my feelings. But the reaction just was not enough for me. Maybe because I knew that it was filtered through a football match. Or maybe because I knew that I had a few more minutes before he would want to fall asleep. But then I decided I wont let him sleep. Maybe it was the vodka earlier that encouraged my decision. I always try to let go but last night I decided to hold on for once. And maybe I deserved what I got.

When did sleeping become more important that my pleas? My tears?

I just want him to come back. Do I? This house feels like a burden. Maybe because I fear that he wont ever return. But wont it be worse if he does? I should run away right now when I can, from this absurd, maddening truth. Run away before we return to the same routine of daily work. That's not how I thought it would be when I came to live with him. I thought that it would be light and beautiful. That's what he had said. Marriage without bonds. Living for each other, with each other without any tags. But it wasn't as rosy as I thought it would be. Because of my constant presence around him, he started taking me for granted. And to the limit of hurting me and not realising it. Mom was right. Our intellectual levels don't match. He isn't even capable of feelings that You have in your heart.. But why??

The first time in my life I want to blame God. Never before did I believe in him? her? it? Maybe I still don't. But I want to blame God. Why cant it be this man I love? Why is he so shallow? Where is the goddamn depth?

When did laptops, football matches, rituals, sleep become more important than our relationship? When did it all start? Why did I even make this decision? Is this what regret feels like?

Now someone was literally banging the door. Natasha memsaab! darwaza kholo. Mujhe pata hai aap andar ho!! Why did this noise feel so far away? Why couldn't I get up? Why couldn't I leave my chair? I knew that if I didn't they would break the door and come in. But I was still motionless... Thoughtless now...

2009-04-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

You!
You someone far far away...
...please come back.
Please...*puppy face*

Although I know we won't be able to be with each other that often because of my exams but atleast you will be around.

But please come back na!

Or just call me twice a day and tell me how much you miss my company. That should work.
Or maybe not.
Actually it will make me miss your company more.
Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

Whatever.
Just come back.
I miss you.
A lot.

Personification eh??

2009-03-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

Feeling inadequate. Really incomplete.

Life...
...I know I am asking for a little more than what you are giving me but I think i deserve it after what has happened already. I demand romance....and you have to give it to me. Just because we are growing older and are getting used to each other does not mean that all the passion has to go, does not mean that small things are not required anymore. Don't kill the love of being mad within me, don't take away from me what I have always gained from being insane. I want to be crazy at times. Be my friend when I need one. Be my accomplice in my random moods. Be there for me whenever I need you. Make me happy, make me sad, make me feel joy, let me be excited. Don't kill my need to be madly in love once more. Because if I cant be mad, I cant love either. And if I cant love, YOU wont make a difference to me.

So life, Oh dear dear life....For your own sake let me be what I want to be, give me all that I demand, let me feel all that i want to, let me be naive once more.

Let me live.

I want to be alive... once more...

PMSing

2009-03-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

I want to talk. Just talk. As in like go on about something me-related.
I want someone to call me and i won't call anyone because I want attention and not them.
Ideally someone should call me and tell me how fantastic and amazing and important I am.
Or I should have some Chicken Seekh Kebabs and the fat should go to someone else's body who actually needs it.
Why is none of it happening??
Two blog entries in 15 mins.... at least its close to talking.... Is anyone listening???

Mood swings are unavoidable. And irritating. You know that you are being unreasonable but you cant help it. And that's what makes them even more irritating. Aaaaaaaaaargh.

PS- And again, Froggy all the very best.

2009-03-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

Man...
I want pampering.
RIGHT NOW!!
And the one i want it from is incapable of it...has always been!!!
I give up! Sheesh!!!

PS- All the best to froggy for her Law entrance.

Unfair!!!

2009-03-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

God.

Men should PMS and experience what it feels like.

But unfortunately....Thats not going to happen.

So we shall PMS and be moody and irritated and frustrated while they can whine about...oh i dont know....LONG LECTURES maybe!!!

Wish: Make men go through a woman's cycle for just one month. At least they'll know what we are talking about then.

And no.... every emotional outburst is not PMS!!!!

God I hate this unfair phenomenon!!!

Mobile needs repair!!!!

2009-03-02T07:41:00.000-08:00

I like putting nailpaint.

I miss days when I could copy homework without thinking of paraphrasing.

I want to go back to 5th standard when I could run around the campus in my favourite maroon umbrella-cut long skirt without thinking about how I looked.

I love pretty coloured eyeliners.

I love my new high definition eyeliner. Makes my eyes look pretty(ier) and it stays for long and is easy to apply.

I hate the fact that one has to live through school for 12 years and college where you have so much fun gets over in just three.

I LOVE the colour red. And ethenic jwellery.

I hate not having any aim in life. Okay so being rich can be an aim.... But then I hate not knowing how to.

I love it when old friends call or text.

I love people making an effort to meet me, or rather making an effort to be with me.

I wonder why I dont submit assignments throughout the year.....

Why don't men menstruate???

The colour pink is one fantastic thing to cheer you up....the second in line is purple.

Are fuzzy slippers comfortable??

Losing weight is so goddamn tough...and so slow a process!!!

Chocolate fantasy can never be too much chocolate!

Why is this note moving from 'I' to general things?

Photography needs skills which are suppsed to be "WOW"!!!

I like Sean Paul's Temperature... a lot!

Dancing is so much fun!!!

Writing nonsense can get borning after a while!!

Gleaming Accessory!!

2009-02-26T21:26:00.000-08:00

Okay so the advertisement on my facebook account reads: India's Best University.........AMITY UNIVERSITY!!!

Yes this is the first thing that i mention after not writing for ages. Deal with it!

Too much has happened....but i won't go into the details (i don't owe anyone!!)

I don't even know what to write in this post except that i am super elated. The Gleaming Accessory is catching my eye again and again, I cant help but gush. Every time I look at it, I smile. Without fail. Its like an auto-smile switch. I don't even know how this happened but it just did.

Early morning. Around 8 (which is early for a holiday). Phone rings.... or rather vibrates, BUzzzzzzzzzzz. Pugsie. Network bad so i call her from the land line. One super excited chat about well ahem ahem. And then one super smart opinionated discussion on the Oscar famous Slumdog Millionaire. Pugsie I love our conversations. And that is because u know what i want to say without me really saying it at all. And I love you. I don't know what I would have done without you.

Last night. Around 8. Driving back home. Nobody picking my call. Message to the two pretty girls. I call Froggy. "Heeeey whats up"...the usual Froggy greeting. I don't even say 'Hi' and I blurt out the happenings of the day. In detail. Don't know how she is reacting on the other side but i cant help it. I go on talking till I've told her everything. She sounds happy for me. Froggy you should know that being the first one to hear makes you the recipient of maximum excitement and the most genuine emotion. Love ya baby. So much.

Last night. After reaching home. On the phone with Best Fraand.

Me: So you know the basic right?

Her: No I don't know anything!!!

I told her the whole story. But you should know Best Fraand how much that "i don't know anything" weirded me out. I felt so light after narrating the whole thing to you. Better than ever. And that is why you were the first person I called and messaged because I wanted to hear your voice and your reaction. I don't care how you reacted but just the fact that I told you everything made all the difference in the world. I need not state the obvious but well I want to anyway.... I love you!

I don't even know why I wrote about you three. But I just did. Felt like it. The Gleaming Accessory agrees. And looks pretty when I type. Nice and glittery and pretty and shiny and.....just so beautiful!!!

Cant write...so making other people do it for me!

2009-02-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

GUEST POST....
By the Deluded Doctor!!

Top 8 excuses why Anukriti doesnt post regularly on her blog
8. She likes to keep us in suspense

so that when she comes back, we'll either be too confused,have a funky hairstyle, too in suspense or dead.

then she can finally blog about the things that matter to her, like dances, gossip, drooling and male pattern baldness

7. she has exams and she's working hard and studying for them.

yeah right.

6. she's not intellectual enough.

yeah right.

5. her astrologer friend has warned her not to.

saying that if she does try to blog in this ominous period of mars, she might develop boils on her chin......or worse, she may start liking her studies(*shudders*)

4. her parents have asked her to stop blogging, otherwise they'll marry her off to a rich gujrati snob.

3. she watches friends.

chandler bing doesnt blog. chandler bing is cool.

2. it takes too long to type that much.

what? try typing with your nose while using both your hands to eat chips. is it that easy now, huh, mr smartypants?

1. she waits until someone asks her why.

and then zap! using her higher intellectuality and sense of fashion, she makes the person write her a guest post.

Thanks???

:\

2009-01-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

HATE

EXAMS!!!

*frown*

2008-12-30T21:32:00.000-08:00

Okay Happy New Year's Eve.

But what's so happy about it??? All my plans of... *ahem*... 'partying' have been practically ruined by my dad. I have exams starting on the 9Th and I kind of don't know anything!! The beginning of this year is almost practically sucky.

But on the bright side, I don't feel that bad right now. Big plans for my birthday, actually one of the big plan for my birthday sounds nice. But I am not expecting too much because people who are making these plans are well... different! And off course there will be a sleepover with three best people on my birthday eve which is OBVIOUS!! And guess what, unlike last year I am very very excited. In fact so excited that I don't regret foiled New Year Plans anymore. My birthday is like at the perfect time. Exams will be over and Enigma practices will most probably be off. So I will be free the whole day... and that leaves me with a WHOLE DAY to do what I want. And what makes it even better is the weather. Its Winters...and I love Winters. My campus will be full of seasonal flowers which are planted every year for the IGNOU Convocation in the first week of February. And Delhi will be absolutely pretty too...And i know because it always is in January.

I am sure I want one long drive, one chocolate cake, some balloons, a visit to one huge mall, a not so non-fattening lunch, warm coffee, chicken tikka, lots and lots of warm hugs and lots and lots of birthday wishes. And I am going to make sure I get all of this... because hello its like the most beautiful day of the year.

Can't wait for these exams to get over and all the fun that will follow. I am just plain excited. I know its too early to start thinking but i don't care. I am sure i will feel much better about studying if I have something this nice to look forward to...

So HAPPY NEW YEAR. And here is hoping a very very happy 2009.

Love.

PS- Best Fraand, Pugsie and Froggy. Just wanted to mention you three as you guys have made my last two birthdays the best ones ever. Love you so much. Mwah!!

SNAP!!! and its done...

2008-12-21T04:43:00.000-08:00

When you are sitting in an examination hall waiting for the invigilator to sign your booklet and the bell to ring so that you can un-seal your question paper, you generally start thinking...

Now those who have studied day in and day out for the entrance, they want to clear their minds a little. Generally the de-tangling of facts takes place when you turn around to ask a total stranger (or wait did we take the same coaching classes??) about the various variables and the ugly trigonometric formulae.

Then there are those who are cent percent sure of themselves (do they really exist?) and who have been constantly assured by their teachers that they will top this entrance and various institutions will beg them to take admission.

But there are people like me as well who a day before the entrance decide that they will take the exam, and that they will actually sit in one place for two hours and randomly answer some questions which they are not even sure of. We (referring to the whole community of entrance exam haters and people not even remotely prepared for them), take a look around the room. We find our place and sit down only to analyse what is happening around. Thoughts revolve around why is that girl trying to study at the last moment to why those two boys are talking to each other so animatedly(the cheating pair of the class??) to why these seats are so small and how is that huge guy even managing to sit (or fit?) into these??

The bell finally rings and the paper commences. Two hours of testing my intelligence and my memory (considering I am not prepared otherwise and I have to depend only on my memory!). And 'SNAP' (or ZAP!) two hours are gone... I am out of the hall, smiling brightly as I think- 'It wasn't as disastrous as i thought it would be...'

Have you ever....??

2008-12-14T03:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever come across a situation when the only little ray of hope which might just change your whole life is snatched away from you mercilessly?

Have your parents ever pretended to be all nice and cool about what you want to do with your life and have suddenly said 'no' to taking the potential first step towards it?

Have you ever filled up an entrance exam form only to realise that you don't really want to sit in that exam?

Has your younger sibling ever told you that you need to do what you want and you have only refused to listen because your choices in the near future are going to be based on what is apparently 'right' or 'wrong' rather than what you really want??

Have you believed in destiny for a very long time and then suddenly have started hating the fact that you do actually really believe in the whole idea of whatever happens is for good?

Have you ever finally realised that Sour Punk is a just a CANDY and not a string with which you can pull yourself out of depression??

Have you ever been depressed and have tried to tell yourself (and the world) that you aren't??

Have you ever wanted to just give up everything and run away but you really don't know if that will help at all??

I dont know what to call this one!!! Good ideas for a heading are welcome!

2008-12-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

Its like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean and I have no clue where i want to go. Its not that I can't see land, its just that I don't know which landmass i want to go to. What if i reach Land A and realise that Land B was what I actually wanted? I really don't know where this life is going, or where this blog post is going!!!

The costume crisis is just not getting over. Tailor auntie refuses to meet deadlines. We have to perform in the same old shit in IP. And there goes the dream of oh-new-songs-and-new-costume and the 'grand comeback'. Technically I shouldn't care because well I am going to pass out of college in some time. But seriously I prefer thinking of these problems than those which I'll be facing when I am out of college.

Its my sister's birthday today and she is in that stupid hostel of her boarding school. She is coming back on the 13Th. We have stuff planned out for her but its execution is a little... well... I guess more work. Mom Dad are going to pick her up. They leave tomorrow for grandad's place and return on the 13Th with her. Now that means I live alone for two whole days. And I am not even excited. I planned the daru party with Enigma people but now I think I will just cancel it. I haven't called anyone to stay over. I am just too...bleh!

My room is a mess. My mom doesn't enter it anymore because she is scared something unwanted will bite her. I want to clean it and I want to organize my cupboard, but i can't find the time to do it. And i really NEED to clean my desk. But well I guess that's not really happening anytime soon.

I cannot find my pink shades. Just like I can't find where my life is going.

Ajeeb Insaan called to tell me how hot the sound system of his stupid fest is. As if that's all I needed to know in my life. When will he realise that I visit bigger and better fests like practically every alternate day?? I guess it was the feeling of accomplishment for him which he wanted to share or maybe it was a way of showing off. Actually I don't want to really bother myself with his thoughts right now.

Dude Who the fuck is going to replace me as the head of Enigma?? Kaun hoga wo?? Well I guess not the right time to think about that either. I love being the president and I don't really want to give that to someone else. Yeah yeah I need to move on and all that crap but hello... I don't want to means I don't want to, irrespective of what I HAVE to!!

My Things to Do list keeps increasing in size. I delegated the first one to juniors and now I have a newer and a longer list ready.

I think I need a vacation. To some place like Hawaii or something. But guess what?? I don't have the time to get that stupid passport form. I think I can do with Goa. Beaches, Hot guys, sunshine, shorts, swimsuits, Hot guys, water sports, luxurious resorts, Hot guys, HOT GUYS, good food, a lot of free time, books that i want to read and not the ones that I have to read, Hot guys.... Oh and yeah Hot guys!!!

But all I get is Delhi and so much work and the memories of an ex boyfriend to bother me and a lot of books to study and a messy room and an even messier life.

Miss you my dear brat...my dear little sister!!!

2008-11-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

Okay here is something my sister wrote for me in her letter (her boarding school is like jail and we communicate through snail mail!!)...

"I'll never know of all the things she's done for me

Just the little things

saving me a seat in the bus,

tying my shoelaces, taking the blame.

Now the years have passed. But when she's around I am still the girl without a care in the world.

She is my alibi. My punching bag. My DIDI."

And i had tears in my eyes. Although its an advertisement she copied from the newspaper, I know she means each and every word of it. Oho I miss her so much. At least when she was around I never had to sleep alone at night. We would laugh and cry together. She was always there to hug me, to scream at me, to fight with me. We watched TV together, went mad over Harry Potter books, went shopping to Sarojini market. She always took me to a movie whenever she would succeed in saving some cash. I always bought her trashy novels from whatever I saved.

She can go on talking about nonsensical stuff and she doesn't stop even if you ask her to. And she is the only person who can throw a tantrum when she thinks I am looking prettier than her. She can be very mean when she wants to be but she is SUPER intelligent. I think she is the smartest kid (or adolescent) i know.

I miss her so much. I remember once when we were younger and I had gone off for a school trip, she was watching Tom and Jerry and something funny happened so she turned around thinking I was sitting there and then she remembered I had gone. Poor baby cried for two hours straight. That's how inseparable we were. We spent our summer breaks taking turns on the bicycle, eating Maggi, reading books, going for swimming, watching movies... Or at our grandparent's place (which by the way is almost intolerable without her). I still remember our first big fight when we abused each other and I was surprised to know that she knew the 'F' word.

Our parents are really against physical violence so generally our fights used to be verbal. But whenever I would lose control and slap her, she always hid it from mom because she did not want me to get punished. I always kept her boyfriend secrets and the fact that she has had many more of them compared to mine.

She is coming back on the 13Th and I cant wait see her. I miss her SO much. I wish she'd never gone to that stupid boarding school. I know I don't say it to her but she IS the most precious part of my life. I love her more than anybody in this world and I always will. She is the best-est sister in the entire universe and I am so glad she is mine:)

Goodbye....I am through with you!!

2008-11-27T05:40:00.000-08:00

Okay so this is the final decision. I want to be happy. And he is not making me happy. Not even close. So I am through with him. Like the final time now. Irrespective of what happens. Even if he is the last man on the planet!! To all of you who care for me....DON'T LET ME CHANGE MY MIND EVER.... and for those who are near me, stop me the moment I show even a little inclination towards him again. Even if that requires keeping me locked up or taking my phone away from me. I am not going back to him or accepting him again.

This feels like the moment of Revelation. Last night I told him that I don't think he is putting any efforts to make this work, basically not wooing me enough, and that my patience is getting over. I told him that I need to see some amount of effort from his side to bring back the so called 'romance'. I didn't think he understood but at the back of my head I still hoped that he will make some effort. But guess what he did...I just saw that he uploaded his pictures with this girl who I think is his ex girlfriend (the horrible bitch) and he knows that I hate those pictures. So instead of showing me that he actually 'loves' me and all that crap, he did something to repel me. And my god that has worked. I don't understand why he keeps coming back?? But now, I am not going to let him charm me again. Ever. People stop me for my own good if you see me doing that ever again...
God I so not deserve shit like him.

To Ajeeb Insaan- You can go ahead and keep trying to become something that you are not. Go ahead and lose all your small town boy innocence and become a complete laughing stock of everyone around you. From now on, you won't have me backing you either dude. And if you ever really ever happen to read this, take it from me as a warning, don't try to come back...You will fall flat on your face. Trust me you don't want me to humiliate you...

Goodbye.

Whatever!

2008-11-24T06:12:00.002-08:00

Okay really lagging behind on assignments. Its driving me mad, this pressure. I don't know what I need to do to get myself to work. And its not only studies. I cannot seem to be able to concentrate in dance either. All I want to do is day-dream, watch TV and sleep. I didn't feel like driving to college in the morning, and that's something to worry about because i love to drive. I don't know where life is taking me. I have these phases when I am happy and ones when I am extremely frustrated. Its irritating because... well I don't really know why.
I feel this hollow inside me these days. Best Fraand says that she doesn't want college to get over because according to her she has not made the most of it yet. I feel it too but I don't know if that is the reason for me being so spaced out these days. It could be the pressure to perform well this year (academically!) but I can't get myself to start studying. I know its also about Ajeeb Insaan somewhere but I don't want to complicate my thoughts right now.

So what is it?
I have stopped working out. I don't enjoy food these days. I got bored during the choreography session yesterday. I slept when I should have been studying. This is not done yaar! I feel that the colours of life are fading away. Nothing is serious enough for me anymore. I am so chilled out about everything. And I know that is because I am scared. I want to believe that I dont care because I am unaware of the future and I am scared of defeat. I cannot imagine where life is taking me. Be it the career or my so called love life. I want to do well in both but I am just not interested enough. Or rather I am just very scared!

I want this phase to get over RIGHT NOW!! I want to be happy again. This could be PMS (post) and I so hope it is... Bleh!!

To you, Ajeeb Insaan. You the weirdest part of my life!!

2008-11-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

Okay so what the eff do you want from me?

Why do you keep coming back? And if you cannot live without me and if you love me all that much then why do you go away in the first place?

Let me tell you thing straight. I know I deserve someone better. I know I do. All my friends think so too. You really want to hear their responses? Well you won't be able to take that because it will burst that little bubble around your head.

So here you are again asking me to take you back? And don't we all know I will? But you know what...One day this patience will get over, this 'connection' that overpowers everything right now will fade away, and my so called 'love' for you will dissolve.

Its hard. Trusting you now. But I still cannot say no to you. You know why? Because I really care for you. Oh or is it because you are a ready-made, doggy-trained boyfriend till I find another one (I don't really mean it but yes this thought has crossed my mind)? You said you want to marry me right? Well Best friend will kill you even if you try...Ha! But before that I don't even know if you would want it tomorrow as well...and the day after that. Are my friends correct when they say that you boys can go to any extent to woo a girl? Are you one of those?

Is it true that all that I know of you from the past five years is decieving me? Am I that blind that I still think that you are a nice person at heart? Are all my perceptions about you wrong? Do I suck that bad at judging people?

Or am I right?

You know what? Your indecisiveness now shows on your face. Dance People think that you don't even have a personality compared to mine. And that's only because you don't know anything about yourself yet. You are ignorant and immature. You are still living in those false assumptions of life and depending way too much on others.

I thought I will enjoy this superiority but guess what....all the negatives that I have heard about you since yesterday, have made me very upset. It doesn't make me want to reject you, but it just hurts me because well, I guess I still care for you. I am so used to everyone telling me that we look great together that this time these opinions are killing me.

Will you just make it clear for me. Either make me absolutely fall in love with you again so that these things stop bothering me. Or simply just go. I was happy without you. Yes i have missed you like mad but at least I wasn't confused in my mind. I cannot give you up. but I cannot listen to all these people 'tch'-ing at me either. I don't know what I want, but I definitely need some clarity.

You will have to wait till I make up my mind. You will have to wait...

Disclaimer- Result of an emotional upheaval. I might not mean some of the things that i said. After effect of a rough feedback!

YAY!

2008-11-13T04:48:00.000-08:00

Okaay so i realise i cant sit and cry over trivial things !!!

After winning the competition in IIPM last night and hearing all that great stuff (about me) has made it clear to me that NOBODY can take away from me what i have...

I have two years of perspiration and hard work. I have the right to perform on stage and make others dance on my tunes. I have the high of being on stage. I have all those awestruck glances of people in the audience. I have people close to me (and who matter) acknowledging me and my achievements.

I dont care about others anymore because I already have those great friends, who came to rescue the moment they heard what had happened. And after a very nice bitching session, made me feel fantastic about myself. Thanks Pugsie... I will never forget that 12am conversation ever!! And I love the three of you and I know I have you irrespective of what.

Also, Awesome dancer messaged me such nice things after i told her which made me think that I am 'great at what i do' (in her words) and there is no point cribbing over things that two years down the line won't even matter. I learnt a lesson 2 years back and forgot it. This obviously happened because I really needed to be reminded. And I am so glad it happened now.

Concerned people don't even see a fault so I know that there is no point trying to make them understand anyway. I was absolutely normal with them and I didnt care. Initially it was hard but then I got used to it and the best part was that it stopped making a difference to me.

I am fabulous. And those who dont realise it can seriously go and .....

love!

Dont bother...You wont understand!!

2008-11-11T07:35:00.000-08:00

Today I have learnt the greatest lesson of life.....
Only Trust Yourself!

Everything that I thought was mine has always been taken away from me, but i have never cringed. Everything that I presumed was true has aways turned out to be false. What stayed with me was my own self. Friends came and went, Love came and went, Respect came and went... but I never left Me!

Randomly surfing through facebook i come across these set of pictures which well...I had no clue existed. I in fact did not even know the day on which they were taken ever happened. What hurts me is my Ignorance. People concerned (and yeah they are in those pictures) were those who I thought liked me and respected me and cared for me. But only now do i realise that they were with me because they had no option. They prefer others (who always doubted my abilities) over me. I thought that it was in their heart, that love, which they did not want to demonstrate but now I know it just was not there. The fact that they did not tell me about this so called 'outing' only proves that I have merely been a part of their lives which they could not avoid. A mere convenience. Not being invited is something that i have never bothered about, its their personal life and they can do what they feel like. What hurts me is the fact that they refused to be present when I invited. And then not tell me about their ventures at all. Am I that far from reality? Was all this a mere delusion?

I thought that I had won this battle and had proved my metal but well guess what, They still won, those who didnt think I was worth it. They took away from me what i treasured the most, my relationship with the ones I cared about. It cant be same after all this. I know I wont keep this grudge. but i will always feel hollow from inside. My mom says that I haven't lost as yet and they are trying to break me and I shouldnt let them. But she doesn't know that they dont need to do much of an effort. They don't care about my existence and I am the one who keeps obsessing. I curse the day when I thought people looked upto me. The fear at the back of my mind has taken shape. It dances in front of my eyes and I cannot escape it.

Second time in these two and a half years I realise that trying to make friends in a professional environment is always a mistake. Not because it hampers your working, but because these friends always manage to hurt you. Thank you for opening my eyes you people concerned. I had forgotten this lesson after the first time I learnt it. I cannot imagine what I did wrong. But I know that it hurts!

I think I am just going to... well not care. That has always helped. The initial shock is over and I think I am through with all this. I know I am over reacting but well i cannot deny the pain.

2008-11-05T07:05:00.000-08:00

Serious mind-block.
Especially because of confusion. I think i'm going to explode. I want to fast forward life and want to be 23 and earning good bucks. Or want to pause it to this third year of graduation. I don't want to leave dance yet I cant wait to see the other side of life as well. I want to find someone who cares yet I can't seem to get over the 'hangover' of my past relationship.

I repeat: Serious Mindblock!

BUSY!!!!

2008-11-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

Too busy to write. I have two assignments to submit within this week one of which is due tomorrow. And I haven't even started doing it. I havent even read the book so that is going to be a little tough. Sparknotes here i come....

I also met up with Soul Sis and asked her about RO and she doesnt have a very good opinion of him. Atleast one thing is clear that i am only interested in friendship with him because I love talking to him. Here's hoping that he (with his girlfriend) stays happy forever. I won't fool around because a) I am not that kind of a person, and b) I am not that desperate even though I seriously lack men in life.

Today I went to watch Fashion with Pugsie. Typical Madhur Bhandarkar stuff. A little over-rated. But definitely worth a one time watch. A little long but not dragg-y (at least not for me).

LSR (dance competition) is on the 9th. Thats a Sunday. And we need to do quite a bit there as well. A lot of preparation required in fact. I promise a good post once I am through with these two assignments.

So later I guess!!!

Rantings of an unoccupied mind!!!

2008-10-29T04:31:00.000-07:00

Early morning. Sleepy and groggy. With eyes half open, i check the cell phone. No missed call, no messages. Disappointed. Pulling the blanket up close i try to sleep or rather i try to remember the dream that I'd left incomplete before i woke up. Hmmm... Strong arms, sweet smell of cologne, husky voice.....

*Trrrrrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggg*

Drat those horrible doorbells. I don't care who opened the door but I hate being woken up to reality. Especially when I have all the time in the world. Although its good only. I shouldn't think of 'all this'. I should get up and do something constructive rather that fantasising about things which aren't coming my way anytime soon.

Crunches. 1... 2... 3...

I have to lose weight. I need to look goddamn gorgeous and unbelieving-ly irresistible.

10... 11... 12...

I wonder what mom has made for breakfast. I hope its something nice. I wont eat it right away though. I will go drink a lot of water. Yup loads and loads of it.

28... 29... 30

God are these crunches even helping considering I wasn't even warm before I started? I think they should be. But I don't control my diet at all nowadays. At least they wont let me put on more fat. God they better be helping.

39... 40...41...

I am a dancer. I should be stretching also. And i should be doing split warm ups and all those difficult fancy things i know. But I am on a holiday. I can skip those for a while. Right now I will concentrate on finishing these 100 crunches.

71... 72... 73...

*phew* *puff*.... At least i can do more crunches than a lot of people. But I need them also more than a lot of people. Will a flat stomach make my ex come back and beg me for apologies. I wont care now. I have to stop thinking about him. I am not taking him back again. Never. God that sounds so bad. Or probably not. I don't know. 94... 95... 96... almost there....99... 100!! *collapses*

Television. Nothing entertaining on air. No English channels at grandparent's place. Not even Disney channel. Suddenly I realise that I was plucking hair strands again. God I need to stop doing that. I will become bald at this rate. And I've got such pretty hair. I should seriously consider that before mercilessly plucking them out.

Chatting on Gmail. According to this net friend of mine, I am highly predictable. And he thinks its not a very good thing. I don't know about that. I cant change the way i am just because i don't want to be predictable. According to this other net friend, I can be a very good writer. Okay when i heard that i admit i did feel flattered. But I know its kind of not possible because I am a very moody writer and i can only write when i feel like.

DVD. Chak De India. One of my favourite movies. But the picture quality sucks. I will go back to Delhi and buy the original DVD. But then who has the time? Anyway its entertainment right now.

Oho. Electricity gone. Load shedding in these areas. I want to watch the movie. But I cant. I think i will message RO. But I was messaging him till late last night. He must be fast asleep. I shouldn't disturb him. Is he interested in me 'that' way? According to Best Fraand all guys are. But according to her she is also a 'cynic'. But why would he be so nice to me otherwise. You know it can be general friendship also. Maybe he IS like that. Very close to people he calls his friends. Maybe he likes talking to me on a daily basis. I should seriously ask him about his (girl)friend S. But I don't have the guts to do that. I don't want to ruin what we have. I really like talking to him. The major point here is also that do I like him 'that' way? To be truthful I am still very uncomfortable thinking of anybody else apart from Ajeeb Insaan in 'that' way. I hate to admit but that's the truth.

Call to Weird Girl. Always the most entertaining thing on the planet. God I don't need a boyfriend. Its just lack of things to do right now. My next week is already booked with lectures, practices, meeting weird girl and shopping with PP. I just need to get past these two days.

And I also need to start studying. Promise to self- I shall catch up on everything that i have missed during these days and make sure that i am not lagging behind.... Amen!

God I hate it when i have nothing to do.:(

:)

2008-10-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

I feel happy.

Is it because my attempts and efforts are finally bearing fruit and are visibly leading to an almost successful journey? Or is it because I am satisfied with my hardwork and my dedication and the general outcome of events?

I feel relaxed.

Is it because I am in the company of people who love me without conditions and clauses and will continue to do so all their lives? Or is it the general peaceful atmosphere of my hometown after an eventful trip full of highs and lows?

I feel lonely.

Is it because I know that the only guy i ever loved isn't there and wont ever be there and even if he is i wont ever forgive my insults the way i did in the past? Or is it merely the aftereffects of a Mills and Boons (trashy) novel?

I feel beautiful.

Is it because after a long time, a guy has put it in words for me and has genuinely meant it (I think!)?? Or is it just beacuse he was someone of the opposite sex who i was once attracted to?

I feel dissapointed.

Is it because I know the guy who said i am beautiful is dating someone else? Or is it just the lack of men wooing me in my life?

I feel happy.

And i know it because i realise that I am in the most amazing phase of life where i have everything one could ever ask for. And I know it because I feel it more than everything else...

Being on a Roller Coaster!!!

2008-10-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

Okay so for those wondering where I have been all this while and if my break up has led me to depression, let me tell you... My life has been a Roller Coaster ride for these past two weeks!!

Okay first thing first. Ajeeb Insaan chapter is closed once more. It took me exactly one day to get over him. And i knew i could do it with ease because i have done it before. 'Ab to aadat si hai mujhko...' I mean come on, I cannot cry over someone who has practically no regard for my feelings and who conveniently messes with my life and emotions whenever he wants to. I am not saying that i don't love him or I hate him or that i am bitter. Now i just don't care. I am sick of sulking over him and i decided that i wont do it now. Ho gaya yaar bas!! And in fact I am so happy because he chose the right time to break up with me, right before i was to leave for the annual cultural festival of BITS, Pilani.

Okay so BITS, Pilani. We came second. Wooohoooo!! My first National level certificate for dancing. This is what i worked so hard for. Although it is not the first prize but well then BITS, Goa won. I hope you see the connection... BITS, Pilani- BITS, Goa... So technically we won only....My god such an amazing end to such a chaotic trip. And trust me i am being subtle when i say 'chaotic'. God everything was so unorganised this year. Although the student union guys were very nice and were very supportive (thanks Rushikesh and Dhruv) but from the moment we entered the campus something or the other kept going wrong. First we were to share an accommodation with 50 other girls (that means 27+50=77 in one flat)!! When that confusion cleared and we were given another place, the volunteers lost our accommodation papers. I couldn't sleep properly that night because i was so tensed. Without those papers you face problems while coming back. And I had to leave like a day before the festival was getting over before everyone else because of family pressure (that's another long story) so being the Group Leader (GL) i had to take care of all this. Anyway wont go into the details but eventually this problem was solved. Then to top it all, this weird loser of a guy who said he was from the authority was practically drooling all over me. And THAT was very irritating.

Then our event got majorly delayed. Its started at 3am in the morning (would you believe that?) and got over at 6.30am. We were so tired by this time and I had to leave at 11.30am. Our Daru party got ruined because of this delay and so did my plans to get 'talli'. Uff so much confusion!! Anyway I was terribly tensed about our event and I had all this to worry about. By the end of it i had conveniently pressed the STOP button on the right side of my brain (dont ask me how i know its there, but I just know that its on the right side) and i was successful in being absolutely spaced out. But I guess that helped because we WON!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaay!

Anyway I had to come back with KMC and the trip back was even better. RO and i bonded like never before. Although I know RO from the past two years but i was always so busy with Soul Sis that I never found the time to talk to him. And I regret that so much now. By the end of the trip we were laughing our guts out at anything and everything. Be it the lame song game (where u skip some words from the lyrics and it sounds pervert), or the long chat we had in the bus or the auto ride back home. My god the auto ride back home... It was the most hilarious thing ever. ' The funniest in the history of funny things'. Poor Autowala bhaiyya thought we were dating and he kept waiting for mushy moments but poor guy was denied all the hopeful romance (i want to call it soft porn but i wont) as we both kept laughing on his face. God it was just out of this world. Like RO messaged me later, even I don't remember the last time i clicked with someone so well and that too in such a short span of time.

Hmmm... anyway now I am at my grandparent's place for Diwali with my family and cousins. Its going to be a lot of fun. Still I cant wait to go back to Delhi and get back into the grind. I am such a happy person.

PS- Dance is my real love which wont desert me ever.

PPS- Our fashion team came first in Pilani for the second time in a row. God They have no competition. They are Fantastic. So proud!!

Break-up Blues!!!!

2008-10-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

He said what he had to say today. How can people just suddenly stop caring?? He broke up with me....again. I don't understand what I've done to deserve all this.... Ajeeb Insaan doesn't care anymore. Comparing my situation to this right now.

I am not as depressed as i was the first time. In fact I am kind of okay. The initial upset-ness was only because of the sense of rejection. But within an hour I understood that there is nothing wrong with me. Its him.

Can't write more on this topic right now. Hopefully a little later I'll feel better enough to analyse the situation and put it in words. But as for now, I'll just leave it here.

PS- Don't judge him. He is like that and I knew it. I knew what I was getting into. It is my own fault!!!

PPS- Sarojini market is the best place in the entire universe....:)

Not so miserable anymore...

2008-10-09T00:19:00.000-07:00

Okay the miracle of miracles has happened. I did not feel like calling Ajeeb Insaan last night. I did feel like messaging him but stopped myself. I didn't call him last to last night either (that took a lot of my self-control). Although I did call him for about a minute in the evening where he told me how busy he is etc. and then i just sulked a little and went and read Frankenstein and finished it,thank you very much. Excellent text by the way. I also talked to Soul sis and I told her everything and she told me to do what i already knew. She told me to wait for some time and just let things pass. And also told me very firmly to not call him. That's being clingy as we all know. God I love her so much. Although she is in Pune but not even once has she made her absence pinch me. I do miss her terribly but I know she is there for me always. I felt so much better after talking to her and so much more sure of myself. She herself is going through an emotional turmoil (and exams!!) but she didn't want to talk about it. I can understand. I don't feel like talking about so many things because either i have no energy to explain or no will to hear criticism/ sympathetic words.

Okay Soul sis and I. We met last year in November for the first time. In fact 21st November, I remember because it was the day when we had the dance competition in my college- Ol That Jazz. Enigma also went for LIC (Lady Irvin College) in the morning and there I met Soul Sis for the first time. We came second in both the competitions while her team Sensation came third in LIC and first in my college. Although that was the first day of us meeting each other, we'd existed in each other's lives since times immemorial. Both of us were dating the same guy for a long time. Actually Mr Ex was double timing us (yes that too has happened to me...and yet you wonder why I am so bitter). We both broke up with the jerk and met online exactly after two years. And slowly we came closer. Apart from the boyfriend (that jerk!!), we have so many other things in common. Both are students of English literature and both are the presidents of our respective dance teams. Such similar interests that it ain't funny. This definitely is a small world and life is so crazy. And I don't remember when we got closer and when she became my soul sister. The best part about all this is that she is at present pursuing the course that I want to after my graduation from the institute that I want to get through. Hopefully I will be with her in Pune next academic year.

I am not so miserable anymore. Parents are better now. Dad allowed me for BITS Pilani without any argument. No talk about getting me married soon (thank god!!). No taunts about anything. All I need to do is to stay in my room and not talk much and study (i stopped pretending and actually started reading). Tomorrow we start practices again and I will be better. Less time to think about my problems will at least keep me away from worrying about them.

Last night at 12.30 am I felt a weird sensation in my throat and had a nose block. I now have cough and cold. Couldn't eat anything because of the same since morning and therefor I am having soup that tastes like raw potatoes. Best Fraand lost five kgs because she was ill but I cannot afford to fall ill and use it to my benefit because i need to get Enigma ready for BITS, Pilani. Pugsie has left for Bankok and will be back on Monday(missing you babe). I promised her I will send her an e-mail every time I miss her so that she feels 'special' when she comes home (we like indulging in weird yet cute activities;)...). Haven't talked to Froggy for quite some time but her message last night made me feel so much calmer about everything. It just made me realise what great friends I have.

I hate falling sick!!!

Miserable me:(

2008-10-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

Okay I haven't felt so miserable in a long time. And the only reason why i am so miserable is because i feel helpless. There is just nothing that i can do to alter my present situation except letting it pass. And I cannot stand not being able to 'help it'.

Parents going mad. They are freaked out about my career an my future and me not going anywhere, and the only reason they can find for all this is because i am still dancing. They do not understand that if i stop dancing, i wont be able to concentrate on whatever 'little' i am doing right now ('little' according to them). I am going to stop dancing after December anyway, and I am spending a lot of time studying. Okay probably not as much as I should be but enough to at least get a decent score in internals. The only reason my aggregate sucks is because of my internals and that's because i have never bothered about them much *slaps self*. But now i have realised my mistake and its a Herculean task explaining this to my parents. They just don't understand. So i have adopted the ignore-them-but-pretend-to-study policy. They need to 'see' me studying to believe that i actually am. Otherwise i generally am a library person. And my Dad' favourite past time these days is talking about how they are going to get me married soon. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? So freaky. That's why I want to go away for my PG (hopefully to Pune. But if this is the scene, anywhere will do). I love my house and love my parents but I just cannot help hating them right now. I need to go out and miss my home in order to re-affirm it's value in my life. Also to have fun but trust me that is secondary.

Ajeeb Insaan is proving to be the most difficult being to handle. He just refuses to become normal. He makes sure he talks to me when I call but it sounds like a formality. No teasing, no mush, nothing about me except the formality of asking me about my day. He didn't go for classes yesterday and went for shopping with his friends G and P and P's girlfriend (from Mumbai). And no missing me, no calling me, no asking me even though he knew that i was free the whole day. Day before yesterday (Sunday- *ahem*, the day we generally meet) he didn't even talk about meeting me and went to amusement park with G, P, Neera and her friend. I never object to him ignoring me when he is studying but at least he can tell me that he missed me when he was having fun. Personally I didn't want to go with him or anything but at least he could've asked!! Chalo even if I don't mind all this (at least he could've asked!!), I do mind the fact that he is just not talking properly. He is always sleepy or tired at night and always busy during the day. Sunday night he told me he is too tired to talk and wanted to sleep and the next day he tells me that he was up till five talking to G and his cousin. I am so sick of all this. And what makes it worse is that i cannot stop myself from calling him. Every morning I get up and think that today I wont call him but the moment the clock strikes 23.45, I just cannot help myself. God I don't know WTF is wrong with me. He is right, I am way too used to talking to him, way too dependant on him. And i thought it was the other way round. Well i can just hope this gets better. Either he will become alright again or I will learn to stop myself.

All these problems are internally killing me while I am smiling outside. I cannot do anything else. I am acting normal only so no depression. But a lot of frustration inside. I cant just let go this time. I am generally very good at not caring but this time I just cant stop worrying. UFF!

I am a Romantic, Deal with it!!!

2008-10-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well after the so called 'fight' with Ajeeb Insaan (Click here for an analysis of the situation by Pugsie) and getting back to square one and hating self for expecting stuff yet once more *kicks self*, I have realised that I do NOT need anyone to make me feel happy. Happiness is a state of mind that I need to achieve on my own. Ajeeb Insaan is right when he tells me that if i am upset about something, nothing he says will cheer me up. And today, irrespective of how upset i was in the morning and how uncertain i was about the futility of my 'relationship', I am happy right now because i want to be. Spending the day with Pugsie, and loving each second of it, i realised how happy i actually am. Shopping for 'stuff, clothes' (he he) makes me feel so much better. I realised what a hard core romantic I am at heart (said that to pugsie '75000 times' today). I love listening to old hindi songs and every time i hear them, my face lights up. Today in the City walk mall, there was this piano guy playing old songs. He played 'pehla nasha' and i felt so nice. I couldn't stop gushing after that. I love looking at huge buildings, posh malls, modern infrastructure. Even though my emotions were (are?) in a turmoil, i felt on top of the world today. I romanticise driving home at night. The well lit roads, fast cars passing by (when there is no traffic off course), their beaming lights, the flyovers and the red lights, listening to the radio. Everything about driving home at night. I love the bright colours an the dull colours (well colours in general), and i love black and white too. I love Dilli Haat stuff, the bangles, the paintings, the ethnic jewellery. I love looking at couples as they walk hand in hand. I love looking at my friends blush as they talk to their someone special. I love long E-mails, and longer telephone conversations.
And no haven't lost my mind (as a lot of you males must be thinking, no offence) but i acknowledge the fact that i am filmy, and romantic. And i accept it and i don't think there is anything wrong in that (as opposed to what my boyfriend thinks). But today as realisation creeps in, i know that everyone may not agree with that and may not enjoy so much Romanticism. So I don't need to share it with anyone. I want to believe in that Utopia of the perfect world and i like day-dreaming. And at the same time i know what reality is. So from now on i will keep that romantic world to myself and wont expect people to fulfill my dreams because frankly they can't. Only I can do that because I know what these dreams mean to me. If Ajeeb Insaan doesn't believe in so much romance, its not his fault. I will stop telling him all that i feel. After all i feel it for myself and i willingly want to live in this utopia. Its my choice and i wont force it on others.
In fact I still long for that dream man who will adore me for being so 'insane' and will call me in the early hours of morning to hear my groggy sleepy voice, who will message me some nonsensical stuff everyday, who will buy me roses, who will not get tired of looking at me, who will share all his joys with me and not just the sorrows, who would listen to me endlessly when i talk stupid things and actually take interest in them just because they are important to me. I know guys like that don't exist (reality check) but i would like to believe that they do because i feel the romance as I wait for him (please add 'waiting' in my list!!)....

*sigh*

Ps- I want things to be less complicated from now on. So i will just stop demanding stuff from Ajeeb Insaan. Its not worth the effort. And also, I will not think of the future bacause thats something I cannot control. And I will just take a backseat for once instead of trying so hard because that doesnt always work, especially with this weird guy!!!

Writing makes things easier to follow!!!

2008-09-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

I am not going to settle for anything less than perfect. As long as i can help it, i will go to any extent, push myself the hardest to reach what i think is perfect and the rest i will leave to that supernatural power i strongly believe in. If i cannot help it, i will do everything in my power to make it the way i want it to be. The bottom line is that i will not settle for anything less than perfect irrespective of what part of my life it is and where it stands in priority list. I will make sure that i take desperate measures to make things happen the way i want them to be. I know that's impossible but i know the extent of possibility and i will make sure it reaches that extent.

In a certain part of my life, i cannot seem to figure out the definition of 'perfect' but i do know what kind of attitude i require from 'people'. I know it is possible because i have experienced it before. The level of involvement that i have, if 'people' reach even half of that, I will be happy. Right now, in order to get that, I need to hold back my feelings, not say everything i want to, hold myself back. This method has two benefits. a) It may lead to 'people' realising my worth and start treating me and my feelings with more consideration. b) If none of that happens then i will need to get over certain habits and controlling my feelings from now on will help me more.

Problem is that this whole controlling my feelings (and myself) is proving to be a very tough job. I know i can do it because I've done it once before but i am just way too disoriented to make it happen. But I will from now on.

Cant understand a word? I don't blame you. I just had to write it for myself.... Writing makes things easier to follow.

I want to...

2008-09-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Listening to a weird laughter show on TV that my parents find very funny, I am contemplating so many things tonight. Random thoughts just keep cropping up. I just created an imaginary boyfriend for myself in my head who is all that i want. No, I am not saying that i am unhappy with what i have but yes i miss the romance. Stuff is clear with Telepathic bitch, and i am so glad it is. I cannot stop worrying about dance because its not going anywhere. Too many things happening in college, as in a lot of departmental fests and all and therefore practice is at an all time low. And this is like just 20 days before we leave for BITS, Pilani. Studies for a change are fine. Not great but fine.

Its just very hard to put down stuff in words. Probably because i am not great with words anyway. But yeah I am not feeling any strong emotion. Only a lot of small feelings that are confusing me in a way. I want a let out. I want to talk to someone. I want someone to talk to me. And someone who will remind me of the good life that i have, who will appreciate me and will tell me how pretty i am. I want it to rain, and i want to get wet in the rain. I want the breeze to blow my hair off my face. I want to stand in an open hall with that someone special watching me as i slowly start dancing. I want to sit on a Giantwheel and i want to see the lights below me. I want to eat cotton candy. I want to run as fast as i can. I want to get into a crowded bus. I want someone to tell me that i am different from the rest of the world. I want to feel mushy on the phone, I want to wear a sari, I want to scream my name out loud from my terrace... I just want to...

If you think its not all that difficult to do and i should go ahead and pick one of the things like running, screaming or wearing a sari to at least make me feel better... you certainly have not understood my problem. Even if I can do any of this, why don't i see myself doing it??? Why?

Good day, dissapointing evening!!!

2008-09-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Today was a nice day. I got my attendance marked as in whatever i missed because of practice. Not all teachers but its still so satisfying to know that i am not short on attendance abhi tak:). Also I wrote a class assignment for Achebe's Things Fall Apart. Although I did not know a lot of things but i still managed to fill 4 sides. And again i am very content. I need to do an assigment on Yeats now and another one on Sons and Lovers by Lawrence and I am through with the before vacation work. And that feels so amazing. This time i am totally going to submit the maximum assignments and get 'kick ass' marks in my internals. Yeah baby, KICK ASS!!!

Oh yesterday Pugsie wrote a very nice thing for me...YAY!! Its 'The Ode to Anu'

The Ode to Anu

like a wild deer

gone berserk in the rain

you leap with

inexplicable grace

throwing open your arm

to welcome an embrace

chattering excitedly

as feelings your

mood dictates

when happy or glum

an energy around

you hums

with shrieks and sounds

an aura loud

That's how you'll be

forever in my

Memory

-Pugsie

Awwww... I love you for it. Especially because nobody before this has ever written a poem about me. And that too so amazing. I love the way you write.

Its evening. I am talking to Weird Girl right now. And I had forgotten her SPB show and she was very upset. She just told me how pissed she was. She says she is over it now but i feel so guilty. And i messaged her around that time that i am telling my parents that I'm going to meet her when i was meeting Ajeeb Insaan. She is talking normally now. In fact giving me advice on certain unmentionable topic. But i feel horrible for not being there when she wanted me to be. And those are rare times when she acknowledges that she wants you around.

One good day and a disappointing evening. Hmmm whatever... Assignments done but friends upset. Vaise i should be mentioning the argument with Telepathic Bitch as well but its too much to mention. She is so oversensitive. OVERSENSITIVE!!! Uff i cant reason with her at times. I just cannot. But Anyway...I guess i should just move on!

Sunday Morning!!! hmmmm

2008-09-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

I hate rigged competitions. IIT sucks man. Although we didn't deserve the first prize (SRCC deserved it), but we were definitely among the top three. And would you believe the results?? IIT-D came third, SRCC came second and the brilliant (i repeat 'BRILLIANT') IIT- Kanpur came first. They didn't even wear a proper costume for heaven's sake. They were taken into the finals after looking at their video as opposed to all of us performing in the prelims. You know what i strongly feel... I feel IIT got intimidated by us and ruined our CD and misled us into the theme thing. The coordinator was a sly guy!! hmmmm....I am over it now.

Going today to meet Ajeeb Insaan for a relaxing break. Meeting after two weeks and after today wont be meeting for another two. I hate to admit but i am already missing him. I want to make the most of today to last me for the next two weeks. Thinking of some *ahem* naughty things but don't know if I'll have the guts to carry out my elaborate 'in my mind' plans. He was very sweet on the phone last night. Affectionate to be precise. Poor guy is missing 'ghar ka khana' so i am taking some aloo ke paranthe for him today. Awwww!!! Yeah only I 'awww' at my so called relationship. And so does Awesome Dancer but her relationship is more 'awww' than mine.

Next week is going to be TOUGH!!! I need to catch up on everything i missed because of this stupid IIT. First and foremost i need to get my attendance marked. And then the assignments. Then i will need to worry about all the class work i have missed. FEELS LIKE SCHOOL!!!

Also i need to pull the strings where my first year dancers are concerned. They need to work very very very hard. And i barely have time to clean their moves individually. But I will manage somehow. Positive approach always works.

Mr. Ex called yesterday and i picked up because i did not recognise the number. The moment i recognised his voice i wanted to bang the phone on his face. Well i didn't. Although I told him that i have the urge to do it and i think my tone was horrible. But serves him right. Anyway so the call was all about how this problem in his academic life made him believe in God and karma and he wanted to apologise and blah blah blah (the same old story)... reminded me of the latest Yash Raj movie 'Bachna Aye Haseeno' ( Pugsie are you listening?). I don't think i hate anyone in this world except him. I could not believe a word he said, probably because I have done that mistake so many times before. I actually made fun of him after keeping the phone and that too without guilt. He might be telling the truth this time but I just cannot trust him ever. He just wanted me to hear him out and at the end i told him clearly that i don't believe him and that in case whatever he said is true, its good for him and i don't feel anything whatsoever. And the best part was that I actually didn't feel anything, not even sorry or sympathetic!

I love the rain. And it has been raining for quite some time in Delhi now. I hate the sticky weather that follows but I am totally in love with rain. Cant ever get enough of it. The raindrops, the green trees, the smell of earth when rain falls on it, the umbrellas, the thunder and lightening.... God its just too amazing. Fills me with joy, every time.

2008-09-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

Cleared IIT prelims...HOOORRRAY!!!
The only girls team in the top 8. My god i am so freaked out. Oh god the other teams have so many people on stage at all times while we are just seven. I want to win badly. Okay if not win but at least leave a very strong impact!! uff! The theme round is soooo tough to execute. Its something totally different for us, this story depiction! But yeah we are trying our best. HMMMM
Lets hope we do well!

PS- Ajeeb Insaan has not found the time to talk to me properly from the past two days. Nice way to support, hai na??? Not that i need it but atleast u can show some concern! khhhhhh!!

Cannot find a title suitable enough... like i said, 'Not Intellectual Enough'!

2008-09-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

OH my god after centuries i talked to Best Fraand today. SO Happy! Although we talked about Gulab but it was fun:).. I have missed this so much that i cant even begin to explain. oh by the way...'gulab'!!! ho ha ha ha! But yeah *drool* also!

Anyway. Today Enigma 2ND years and i decided to throw a party for Sood's birthday surprize. Its an AMMMMAAZING plan. We shall kidnap her in college and drive straight to my place and then will drink till we drop. I know its kind of risky, booze at my place. But Dad isn't in town, and I've asked my mom to go to her friend's place. And the funniest part is that all this will happen in broad daylight. Actually most of them aren't allowed sleepovers and are most probable to get very high and lose control so we cannot go out either.... So broad daylight it is! Oh my god me is super duper happy and excited. And have been booze deprived for quite some time so even more excited!

I just realised that I've never got high ever. I have some capacity man! I can drink 5 shots of vodka and still not feel tipsy. I hate those girls who 'pretend' to get all high and keep falling on guys in a SINGLE SHOT. Oh for Pete's sake, stop trying to get attention. And these stupid girls actually think that guys will buy their shit crap drunk 'naatak'!! I actually know a girl who started pretending to be all high after eating rum cake. I mean even if she had said liqueur chocolates, i would have bought it, but rum cake? And the best part of all this was that she actually was getting a lot of attention but that wasn't because she was apparently 'high'. It was because of her low cut neck and her glitter smeared boobs! HAR HAR!

Soooooo. Booze party is totally on. And tomorrow is IIT's preliminary round. Freaked out. Just imagine not clearing the prelims. That will be humiliating! I know we are good but the point is that it has been long. We will performing Full On after a long time. Anyway I shall not think about it. I am just going to go there and give it all. Hmmmm..... Anxious. Apprehensive. Hopeful?? Trying to be positive...

NOT intellectual enough!!

Skinny fit You!

Dew drops...

You.

Winter Rant: The first of it's own Kind

About Bunking.

Crass? I know.

Vroom??

Waiting for Brrrr...

Almost Diwali

2010, I don't hate you...

Of hiding Metal Keys

A Clean Blackoard

As I enter the money making lifestyle...

Little reds and greens...

Which Show are you talking about?? The Show?

Extremely hilarious video just for you!

This little beaded bag that I carry...

A mud pit is The Best place... for it is so much fun!

Cool forward on my email...

Confessions...

Missing me?? Please say yes:)

Crappy New Year

the Latest...

I am ok....right?

We walk..... You and me.

I wish I could ask you to stay.

Fleeting message....

Of drunk nights or two!

NOT knowing what 'love' is...

The Reason...

When you asked me 'why?'

Maybe this is how it was meant to be.

Everytime!

I ran!

I Miss...

Victory!

Cravings...

ill:(

Rose tinted glass

End??

Ha!

Wiring problem!

Listening anyone?

Mona Lisa Smile...

Maybe its this age!

Lots of things.

Enough!

Scared? Me? No!

Is it you? It cant be me!

*Gush*

I am back...

Dhinchak!

chikchikchikah!

Freakish Frenzy

Lyrical Jazz!

From the top of my head...

Struggling to lose weight anyone??? Join the club!

Fiction... inspired by my own life.

Personification eh??

PMSing

Unfair!!!

Mobile needs repair!!!!

Gleaming Accessory!!

Cant write...so making other people do it for me!

:\

SNAP!!! and its done...

Have you ever....??

I dont know what to call this one!!! Good ideas for a heading are welcome!

Miss you my dear brat...my dear little sister!!!

Goodbye....I am through with you!!

Whatever!

To you, Ajeeb Insaan. You the weirdest part of my life!!

YAY!

Dont bother...You wont understand!!

BUSY!!!!

Rantings of an unoccupied mind!!!

:)

Being on a Roller Coaster!!!

Break-up Blues!!!!

Gush